Want to help 100 kids for 19 bucks?

Seeing as my own father barely survived Polio in infancy, this is a pretty significant thing for me personally. I'm really glad I saw it on Twitter.

https://www.market.unicefusa.org/inspired-gifts/polio-vaccines-to-protect-100-children/S359190/

What a small sacrifice to potentially save 100 lives. We can thank Jonas Salk for choosing not to patent the vaccine, making it affordable and accessible. We owe it to him that Poliomyelitis is nearing worldwide eradication today. Let's keep it going.

Almost 1500 Questions Answered

AskFM is a crazy site, but I enjoy it most of the time. It has been a nice distraction, and I've received far more questions than I ever thought I would. Disclaimer: they allow users to ask themselves questions, but I have NEVER done that. That's too weird even for me.

Many of the questions I receive are anonymous, which is fine. I answer most of them. Here are a few that I think are worth sharing:

What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152165444719

What movies inspire you?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152259803503

What can you promise to your friends?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152680628847

What is your ideal girlfriend/boyfriend? In general, what are your preferences?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152691877743

What makes you different from others?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152774284143

This one is worth sharing for a different reason. Do us both a favor and never do this to me again:
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152877107823
I would like to think they meant well, which is why I didn't rip them apart, but their statement was ableist and lacked empathy. Not only did they say my suffering could be my own fault for not living the right religion, when I explained why I was rejecting their statement, they unfriended me and left like a coward. That proves they had no intention of actually being a friend; they only saw an opportunity to be self-righteous, and took it at my expense.

I grew up in a realm of obsessive charismatic Christianity that accused, blamed, neglected, and abused me for being chronically ill. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with it, and it has taken me a long time to stand up for myself and remove those people from my life. I am not about to allow it back in. I don't think too highly of myself, but I do believe I deserve better than that. Thanks in advance for respecting my boundaries.

This one made me laugh: The entire world stands still for one day, but not you. What do you do?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152991738223
If the world suddenly stood still, we would be flung into space. There's your science lesson of the day. LOL

Such a cool question; I enjoyed this one:
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152994437743

What are some things in life (can include your future wants/needs) that you will not compromise on and why?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/153035259503


Thanks for the questions!
Ask me anything, but keep it appropriate. I block creeps and trolls.

Thanksgiving Foodness

Kitchen Owl guards the turkey. :-)

It was the first time I've tackled a turkey since I was a clueless 22-year-old. It was so good.
Thank you, Penzey's Spices, for the Bavarian seasoning and the wonderful Bay Leaves.

Testing the mashed potatoes like a good chef. ;-)

My vegetable of choice: green beans cooked to absolute death, so I could safely digest them.

The garlic herb bread rose all day. I was about to put it in the oven here. It turned out incredible.

When I cook a bird, I use the whole thing.
After carving, all non-meat parts go into the slow cooker to make stock!
I let it cool overnight, then turned right around and used it to make soup.
This is one of the few times I like leftovers!

Turkey Ramen!

There are a couple of videos on Instagram in addition to these pictures. I didn't sleep for over 24 hours, and I really struggled, but I survived. I'm relieved that everything turned out so well.

I'm currently watching the Iron Bowl (Roll Tide) and eating soup. I hope everyone in the States had a nice holiday, and happy weekend to everyone else.

Talk to you soon.

Systemic Disease, Depression, and Holiday Plans

My Amazon wish list is pretty boring this year. I honestly just need (really, really, really need) a dishwasher. My chronic pain level makes me want to die sometimes, and, I admit, far more often lately than usual. I'm trying to find any way that I can to make my life a little easier. I'm setting up a Jet.com (edit: make that Target.com instead) account soon to start ordering basic needs from them (toilet paper, etc). Since flu season is upon us, I'll have to start staying home more often, which means preparing meals daily. I've started ordering from Schwan's Home Service again, so I have food in the freezer on days I am able to eat solid food. I have soup broths in the pantry and protein drinks in the fridge for days when I'm stuck on liquids.

Ironically, I'm in charge of most of Thanksgiving luncheon this year. Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, and homemade bread are what I've committed to. My sister in law is making dressing and buying desserts and drinks. I've recruited my stepfather to come over that morning to transport the turkey for me since I am unlikely to be able to carry it myself. Hopefully everything will turn out fine, and maybe I'll be able to eat.

I've lost 23 pounds this year due to digestive paralysis, but never fear, I'm still as plump as the turkey currently residing in my freezer. I have another 20 pounds to go before weight becomes a noticeable issue, and I'm optimistic that I'll never truly become underweight. Frozen coffee is making sure of that.

As for my turmoil, I reached out to a few friends in Mississippi to let them know how I was feeling. We had dinner and talked. It was nice, and I appreciate that they listened. I am a tremendous introvert, but I'm learning to recognize when it's time to interact. Finding the right people in which to do that is usually the main issue, other than my physical limitations (I'm not always able to sit up and drive, for example). I hate living rural, and I feel like I would have more options for making friends if I was at least in the nearest city. It's complicated, but I'm trying.

I'll start counseling early next year, if I can. It depends solely on my available funds. Existing on minimal social security disability is very challenging. I recommend avoiding it as long as reasonably possible. I didn't have a choice. It was life or death for me.

I'm closing in on the NaNoWriMo finish line, and will reach the goal by Thanksgiving as long as I don't stop writing. Talk to you soon. xo

A Grumpy November Update

NaNoWriMo was a mistake. I've been writing about my life, and it couldn't be more dreadful. I hate everything. I want to end NaNo now (wanted to by the 8th, truth be told), but I'm going to push through to the end. Some of the content is worth keeping. Some of it sucks. Either way, I'm bored out of my mind, and often depressed. Blogging usually helps, but lately, I don't even want to do that.

Exhaustion and chronic pain are the underlying issue, I realize. It brings me to tears lately, and I'm not usually a crier where that is concerned. I also went to the doc last week, and I'm so frustrated with their negligence I want to throw all of my medication in the trash and say to hell with staying alive. I know I need to stop letting them get to me that badly, but I'm forced to rely on people who are unreachable and unconcerned with the fact that my condition declines every time they ignore and/or screw up my medication paperwork. I end up temporarily losing an expensive medication from my regimen because insurance denies coverage, and I have to wait a week or two or five for it to be corrected. So I'm on a med, then off of it, then on it again, then off of it again, etc. every few months. It's not safe, but I'm made to feel bad for getting mad and making them address it because they're busy. I know that, and I've never once implied that I'm their only patient. I just need people to get this right because they are directly affecting my muscle strength. The alternative is to stop the medication altogether and suffer. That's obviously the wrong answer.

But I don't have the right answer, either. And I'm so freaking tired of this.

I am physically stronger on the medication, but the frequent stress on my body and mind over consistently obtaining it is making me wish all of this would be over. I'm as calm as always on the outside, but internally, I'm not coping. I think about dying too much; both wanting and not wanting to do it.

I watched more footage of the HKPP conference in Dublin, and couldn't wrap my brain around all of the new info. My cognition isn't in the best shape. I am no good at this, or to anyone anymore. I would probably benefit from a companion to help me sort out things sometimes, but who would want to deal with all of this, or with me at all? I don't even want to deal with me, and it angers and upsets me that I feel like wanting anybody to do anything for me. I'm a mess.

There is not enough sleep on this planet, but I'm going to try to achieve some. I've reached out to some friends in Mississippi, and I'm going to drive over there for a get-together tomorrow night. May it be a remedy for my dying sanity, or at least a band-aid. I'll take anything.

A couple of links to help folks affected by the California wildfires

I could research for days and not do any better than NYT did on this list. Check it out.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/11/reader-center/california-fires-how-to-help.html

Sean Astin is also raising funds, and giving some of his own. He's a trustworthy source and will make sure money does directly into the hands of people in his region who've been affected. He and his family evacuated, but thankfully did not lose their home.

https://www.gofundme.com/woolsey-fire-support

As I'm sure you're aware, there have been so many losses. This is the largest wildfire disaster in California history. I've lost a great deal in hurricanes, but I can't imagine a fire loss. It is one of my worst nightmares, and it breaks my heart to see what's happening.

Let's help people if we can.

Wordless Wednesday 11/14/18

Excelsior

You were the best of humans, Stan Lee.

Thanks for all you did for young people all over the world.

Your long, successful life was well-deserved.

Rest in peace.

1922-2018

I want to talk about someone who died ten years ago.

http://blog.al.com/live/2008/12/dentists_no_need_to_fear.html

My stepfather's biological son, Ryan, age 29 and a single father, had a toothache that he was too scared to address. He had a fear of needles and refused to go to the dentist, even when his tooth was noticeably infected and his relatives begged him to deal with it. He came home from work one day with a swollen jaw, said he couldn't hear out of his ear, and went to the bathroom. He didn't come out. The infection had reached his brain, and he was diagnosed with a massive stroke. A week later, he was removed from life support, and his 5 year old son was orphaned.

I am telling you this to bring awareness that these things really happen, and they happen more often than you think. I don't like going to the dentist either, or any other physician for that matter, but listen: you have to take care of the damn holes in your head. They can kill you, and don't think for a second that it can't happen to you, because my 29 year old stepbrother certainly didn't think he would die a horrible death and leave his child parentless. Ryan's death was a front page headline, and dentists in the area made a plea to the public to let them help. There are ways to deal with this kind of situation, including sedation with prescription drugs, which could have allowed Ryan to get the care he needed. If he had been willing to talk to a dentist about his fear, he'd still be here. Bottom line.

It has been a little while since I've made this public service announcement, but I assure you I had not forgotten. Seeing him unresponsive, connected to tubes, with a hose coming out of his brain and a horrifying intracranial pressure of 84 is something I will never be able to erase from my memory.

If you have an infection, please take it seriously. I know the dentist is expensive, but many of them accept monthly payments, especially for potentially harmful scenarios like this. Beg, borrow, whatever you have to do to get the money. Cry on the dentist's doorstep. The worst they'll say is no, and there are others out there who will say yes. Communicate, or find someone who will speak on your behalf. Just go, please.

Thanks for reading.

My giant face voted. Yours should too.

My 6th NaNoWriMo, and why I'm not working on my children's novel

It's that time again.

I didn't know if I would participate this year. I seriously considered skipping it, but I joined a couple of forums, started talking to others on Twitter, and signed up. I'm a NaNo Rebel, as I often am, which means I'm working on something other than a brand new fiction novel. If you're new here, I have a rough first draft called The Children of Mossy Hollow, and I absolutely intend to complete it and self-publish. It's a mess, though, and needs a lot of revision. I will eventually focus on doing that.

Why not revise during NaNo since I'm a rebel anyway? I could, but my stress level and emotions are heightened at the moment by what has happened and continues to happen on our southern border. My book is based on a true event that occurred in my own family tree involving children who were separated from their parents and each other and adopted out into various questionable situations. It's an emotionally-charged story on its own, and I've shed plenty of tears over these kids. But needless to say, it's even more painful to think about now. It's on the back burner for the sake of my health.

I am working on other projects, including a memoir and my family history. Nothing will be published here, but when I have comprehensive text concerning my genealogy, it will be over on that blog.

Talk to you later - NaNoWriMo awaits. (Send caffeine!)

Hurricane and Tsunami Relief 2018

I apologize for the delay in regards to the recent natural disasters. I've had a turbulent time in my head lately. I did some mild prep for Hurricane Michael, but it missed me completely, and I do not take that for granted whatsoever. I'm devastated for the Florida gulf coast and parts of Georgia in their immense loss and suffering. All of the memories of Hurricane Katrina came back, and I'm sad to know that others are now living the nightmare that my neighbors and I once did.

While my site was offline, a tsunami occurred in Indonesia, and Hurricane Florence caused terrible flooding in the Carolinas. All of these folks still need a lot of help. I can tell you first-hand that disaster recovery is a terribly long and stressful process.

I felt like the best thing to do was consult Charity Navigator for a list of organizations aiding the areas in need. Following are the links to those lists:

Hurricane Michael: https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=6806

Hurricane Florence: https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=6709

Indonesian Tsunami: https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=6781

As always, Operation BBQ Relief has deployed to both hurricane-affected areas in the U.S. to cook and serve free hot meals. I've followed them for years, and they are as legitimate as it gets. Strictly volunteer-driven, these folks have served over two million BBQ dinners since their launch in 2011. They often need volunteers and always need monetary donations.

Let's keep everyone in our thoughts.

Since I haven't mentioned it yet - Hurricane Michael

The barometric pressure is trying its best to wipe me out, and it's not even here yet. The lower the pressure, the worse the symptoms, and Michael is a catastrophic category 4 storm. As you can see in this boring, short video, I'll be on the far west side, so I'm ok. I think my biggest challenge will be my muscles and my head (which is screaming...my ears are killing me) while the storm is doing its thing on the coastline. Once it passes, I'll recover and share information on helping our neighbors to the east who will undoubtedly see their lives change.

The best place for hurricane updates is of course the NHC. They're also on FB and Twitter.

Talk to you soon.

Health Assessment 10/7/18

I took a health assessment on one of those blood pressure, heart rate, body mass index machines in August of last year, and I remember being pretty upset over the results.

Today, I went to the same machine and did it again. The results are better now.

My weight and BMI were lower, my blood pressure was great, and my heart rate was a little better than usual. I still need improvement, obviously, but I'll never be "normal". Anyone who expects that of me is not living in reality. I frequently have to remind myself of that fact, and I will remind others if necessary. My doctors haven't really brought up my weight other than general documentation stating that I'm "slightly overweight". That's fine. The assessment's #1 tip on the right side of the screen is the same as it was last time - mental health should be addressed. Since I'm honest in answering their questions, that was no surprise. I have PTSD, anxiety, sleep disorders galore, and dealing with my failed physical health has been no easy task. Nor has being forced to exist for the rest of my life in gov't housing on SSI.

I found a low-income counseling center, and I plan to apply for financial aid next year. I don't have any money whatsoever to invest in it right now, and probably won't for a while. I know I need to take care of my mental health, and I will do what I can when I can.

As for my wrecked body, I'm at a loss at this point. I'm battling systemic disease every day, but I'm weak, exhausted, and in terrible pain. I feel like I'm losing the war, so I guess I'm going to fight until I drop dead. I don't know. What's the alternative?

"Keep Calm and Carry On" is a lot easier said than done, but I'm trying.

Housing update, a little bit of artwork, and a lot of family

I'm back in my apartment full-time again, but I'm still having problems. I've put myself on a waiting list for smoke-free housing not very far from my nieces. Moving will be a logistical nightmare, considering my major medical needs and lack of medical care in Louisiana, but I don't know what choice I have at this point. I haven't been able to find housing where I really need to be, which is Mississippi. If I could figure out how to move back there, my doctors in Jackson would be my primary physicians, and life would possibly be a little less difficult. Unfortunately, Mississippi doesn't want more poor people moving there, so they make relocation from out-of-state almost impossible. I was on a waiting list on the Mississippi coast for years, and they continued to push me down the list until the chances of ever getting into housing there were nearly zero. In-state residents needing housing take priority, and there's no arguing with that. It may be a year or longer before there is an opening in Louisiana, so I'm stuck in my current apartment for a pretty long while. In the meantime, I hope something significantly changes for the better. It's the only hope I have.

I've continued my non-credit drawing course, and worked on a few independent projects as well. Here are a couple of them:

Full contrast ink design of Satine from Moulin Rouge

It was about a nine hour project.

Here's the beautiful video reference!!

30 minute gestural study of a Francisco de Goya

etching from his bullfighting series

More art will be shared soon on the other blog.

My older brother got married, and the wedding was perfect. This is the only photo I have of myself with my sibling tribe and their spouses and kids. Just missing my nephew Asher, and of course our deceased brother Max. Look how big the girls (Sadie, Zoey, and Jo) have gotten! Valerie too, who is graduating from U of Alabama soon. Funny that my cane is photobombing at the bottom of the pic.

I'm still waiting for a copy of the wedding pictures, so here's some stupid selfie nonsense. :P

I could barely move by the end of the night, but I survived.

I've spent a lot of time in bed since then.

MDA clinic in Jackson is Tuesday, so I'll blog again soon.

September 2018 (with pictures)

Welcome back, readers.

The drawing course is going well, I guess. I'm learning some things.

Sitting up in a desk chair hasn't been working out (muscle weakness)

so here's my current setup in the living room. Lots of pillows involved.

I'm considering just moving it all to my bed, but I'm trying not to.

As I mentioned last month, drawings will be posted on the art blog.

(Edit Note: This was uploaded before problems with my apartment arose,

and I decided to leave it on the blog. I'll resume drawing when I am able.)

My minimalism efforts have continued in September.

I finally tackled my worst (scary!) closet.

Trust me, it was absolutely embarrassing.

I feel much better now that it looks like this.

I use a disturbing amount of plastic,

but it goes to the recycling center.

I spent some time back at the apartment

deep cleaning the kitchen and dining room.

It was painful, and didn't improve the issue with

the neighbor's cigarette smoke, but I'm glad I did it.

(HKPP was also an issue. My butt was kicked for days.)

This made me laugh out loud.

I've been living on soup, chocolate milk, frozen coffee, and noodle dishes for quite a while now, but sometimes I still try to tolerate solid food. I stayed at my brother and sister in law's house a lot since I couldn't breathe well at home, and I ate far too much real food there. It was good, but I paid the price for sure. I can't stay on the Gastroparesis diet forever and be able to use my muscles to their potential (they are much weaker than average already), so I have to keep trying.

I've made some Asian and South American dishes recently, but this month, I returned to my obsession with Italy. Years ago, I studied Italian cuisine using online courses and blogs written by regular people in Italy that I used a translator to read. If you really want to learn the way people cook in other countries, that's the best way to do it (as opposed to American TV cooks who pretend they're from another country...don't even get me started). Anyway, you know by now that I'm neither a Chef nor a Photographer, but I'm going to share a few pics.

Caprese is normally a salad, but I turned it into a sandwich. :-)

Squee! This was my best shrimp scampi yet!

Wow at the work that went into this Amatriciana,

but it turned out perfectly. I only wish all of those

tomatoes had resulted in more than 1 2/3 cups of it.

As I said, none of the solid food is going that well. I'm doubled over with my stomach daily when I consume more than soft, liquidy things. Occasionally, it's bad enough to bring out the phenergan. I don't take it often (in addition to its usual side effects, it wipes me out with HKPP). My conditions are downright unbearable at times, and I don't think I'll ever accept my limitations. I'm trying to stay afloat both physically and mentally, but it's not easy. Some days are better than others.

I wish I could run a food charity...a soup kitchen or food truck or something. It's a completely irrational and impossible idea for someone with my disability, but I think about it all the time. I'm depressed that I don't do enough to make a difference. As the office manager recently told me, I can't stand people but I love humanity. Funny, but he's absolutely right. I struggle greatly with the state of the world and the people in it. I get so angry, but then I just feel sad because there's nothing I can do to change things for the better - for myself or anyone else.

I'll always wonder what I could have accomplished had my conditions been properly treated in my younger years. I'll never know, and I realize there is no sense in mulling over it.

Another Periodic Paralysis Patient Lost

Kendra Rowan has died at age 33. She was a highly gifted artist. This is such an unfair disease and the loss of this young woman is more devastating than I can express.

I can only hope my obituary is half as nice as this one when it's my turn to go. As it states, Kendra was a volunteer at Common Art for the Homeless. In lieu of flowers, the family suggests donations be made in Kendra's name to Common Art for the Homeless. Send checks to: Common Cathedral, 15 Newbury Street, Boston MA 02116 (write "Common Art" in the note section). You may also donate online at http://commoncathedral.org/donations. Where it says "Add special instructions to the seller", write: "Direct to Common Art".

I'm so angry I can't stop crying.

I'm taking a break. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

August 2018, In Pictures

I went to see Dr. B, who decided to test a new med.

It's going somewhat ok, but I am just...blah. So tired.

It spite of that, I managed to accomplish some things this month.

I recycled a back seat full of glass, plastic, and paper.

The nearest recycling center is pretty nice.

Another artist happened to be there at the same time.

She claimed my still life props, so that worked out nicely.

I have a clean and organized living room again. Woohoo!

I have a difficult time sitting up at a desk, but I'm trying.

I'm mostly still propped up on pillows in bed or on the couch.

Next up, the kitchen! I've been working on it all week.
I have more things going to the recycling center next month.

I'm saying goodbye to old glassware and other random items.

I'm pretty happy with the result. Minimalism is happening!

How adorable is my Christmas owl mug?! See you soon, little cutie!

This is still a lot of stuff, but a few of these items were gifts, so I'll never part with them.

The pantry is coming along. That pretty box holds open containers of noodles.

The Thai neighbors gave me more habaneros from their garden!

I vacuum-sealed them for the freezer, since it'll take a while to use them all.

I returned to the park on Portersville Bay for a few photos.

I scored a fresh red snapper filet, so I made fish stew and ceviche!

And last weekend, I made enough Ramen for an army, ha! It was for my vegan gaming group.

Pandemic Legacy (Season 2)

I mostly watched, as I was tired and couldn't really sit up long enough to participate. I'm glad I was able to at least be there for a little while and share the veggie ramen I had wanted to make. I had to avoid the beans and legumes myself, but it turned out pretty tasty! Hopefully in the future, I'll feel like hanging out with my friends a little longer.

I've been watching drawing lectures, and I'll sit up and draw along with the professor as my muscles allow. I will update my art blog as I go along. I received a lot of feedback from friends about my mild concern with figure drawing (long story, just know that very little about my life has been normal), and I appreciated it very much. It turned out to not be a big deal at all, and in a rare moment of bravery, I even drew myself in the nude (work I will neeeevvver share, so don't worry about that). I feel like I have learned a lot with this professor in a short period of time, and I look forward to more drawing practice. On an unrelated note, I have an acrylic painting in progress also.

In between all of that? Meltdowns, thanks to Periodic Paralysis, chronic pain, digestive disease, and sleep deprivation, but I'm managing it all as best as I can one day at a time.

Hurricane Katrina changed my life 13 years ago today. I've spent some time reminiscing, but it's not something I've wanted to dwell on. Keep rebuilding, Gulf Coast. We may have a love-hate relationship, but I'm proud of ya.

There have been a ton of hits on the blog this year. Thanks for reading my mess, y'all. Enjoy the rest of your summer. Or winter, if you're on the southern side of this spinning ball of insanity.

XO