A Grumpy November Update

NaNoWriMo was a mistake. I've been writing about my life, and it couldn't be more dreadful. I hate everything. I want to end NaNo now (wanted to by the 8th, truth be told), but I'm going to push through to the end. Some of the content is worth keeping. Some of it sucks. Either way, I'm bored out of my mind, and often depressed. Blogging usually helps, but lately, I don't even want to do that.

Exhaustion and chronic pain are the underlying issue, I realize. It brings me to tears lately, and I'm not usually a crier where that is concerned. I also went to the doc last week, and I'm so frustrated with their negligence I want to throw all of my medication in the trash and say to hell with staying alive. I know I need to stop letting them get to me that badly, but I'm forced to rely on people who are unreachable and unconcerned with the fact that my condition declines every time they ignore and/or screw up my medication paperwork. I end up temporarily losing an expensive medication from my regimen because insurance denies coverage, and I have to wait a week or two or five for it to be corrected. So I'm on a med, then off of it, then on it again, then off of it again, etc. every few months. It's not safe, but I'm made to feel bad for getting mad and making them address it because they're busy. I know that, and I've never once implied that I'm their only patient. I just need people to get this right because they are directly affecting my muscle strength. The alternative is to stop the medication altogether and suffer. That's obviously the wrong answer.

But I don't have the right answer, either. And I'm so freaking tired of this.

I am physically stronger on the medication, but the frequent stress on my body and mind over consistently obtaining it is making me wish all of this would be over. I'm as calm as always on the outside, but internally, I'm not coping. I think about dying too much; both wanting and not wanting to do it.

I watched more footage of the HKPP conference in Dublin, and couldn't wrap my brain around all of the new info. My cognition isn't in the best shape. I am no good at this, or to anyone anymore. I would probably benefit from a companion to help me sort out things sometimes, but who would want to deal with all of this, or with me at all? I don't even want to deal with me, and it angers and upsets me that I feel like wanting anybody to do anything for me. I'm a mess.

There is not enough sleep on this planet, but I'm going to try to achieve some. I've reached out to some friends in Mississippi, and I'm going to drive over there for a get-together tomorrow night. May it be a remedy for my dying sanity, or at least a band-aid. I'll take anything.

My 6th NaNoWriMo, and why I'm not working on my children's novel

It's that time again.

I didn't know if I would participate this year. I seriously considered skipping it, but I joined a couple of forums, started talking to others on Twitter, and signed up. I'm a NaNo Rebel, as I often am, which means I'm working on something other than a brand new fiction novel. If you're new here, I have a rough first draft called The Children of Mossy Hollow, and I absolutely intend to complete it and self-publish. It's a mess, though, and needs a lot of revision. I will eventually focus on doing that.

Why not revise during NaNo since I'm a rebel anyway? I could, but my stress level and emotions are heightened at the moment by what has happened and continues to happen on our southern border. My book is based on a true event that occurred in my own family tree involving children who were separated from their parents and each other and adopted out into various questionable situations. It's an emotionally-charged story on its own, and I've shed plenty of tears over these kids. But needless to say, it's even more painful to think about now. It's on the back burner for the sake of my health.

I am working on other projects, including a memoir and my family history. Nothing will be published here, but when I have comprehensive text concerning my genealogy, it will be over on that blog.

Talk to you later - NaNoWriMo awaits. (Send caffeine!)

A few pics from the last five weeks

This is Shady Acres Village located in Seminary, MS.
I always pass it on the way to clinic (and back).
Sometimes, I stop and buy a snack. It's a cute place.

I was depressed and tired of the condition of my storage room,
so I finally dove into the mess and organized it.

I got rid of most of the cardboard boxes, threw out some things,
and sorted some things to eventually give away.

I removed these tables from my living room and put them in the
storage room. It's looking a little bit like an art studio, which is nostalgic.
(I am "overhoused" and will be moved to a smaller apartment someday.)

GREATEST. TEA. EVER.

I have been really down and out with pain, muscle weakness,
and depression, but I wore my Henchwoman outfit and played
board games on Halloween. It was exhausting, but I had a good time.
(It's from Batman '66...The Penguin's Henchmen/Henchwomen)

Crimson Invasion launched on Pokemon TCG.

My pulls were pitiful, but I did end up with two Alolan Golem GX
so it could have been worse. I've become far too invested in this thing.

I almost hated cutting into this beautiful little Italian onion.
So pretty. I can't even remember what I did with it, to be honest.

My neighbors are nice and occasionally give me duck spring rolls.
They are very tasty. I like having Asian neighbors. Zero drama.

November will be consumed with NaNoWriMo, as usual, but I am also hoping to attend a couple of cheap events in the area that I've never been to. If I do, I'll share pics. My head is screaming, and my arms and legs are really tired and crampy, so I'm unsure about any plans. I mostly need to sleep.

NaNo is going great thanks to Google Docs' voice typing feature. I hope to reach 50K by Thanksgiving.

Talk to you soon.