Christmas 2019 In Pictures

Family,

a few selfies,

a new doggie,

the best kitty,

road trips,

lots of sweets,

and silly girls.

I’m thankful to have survived another Christmas.

We’ll have at least one new baby to dote on next time.

Aunt Kelli will keep you posted. :)

Life Lately, Part Three

This disease sucks.

I'm having episodes, and opted to take the flu shot for the first time, which triggered HKPP even more. I can't really describe the level of pain I've experienced over the last two weeks, in addition to the usual frustrating muscle weakness, balance problems, migraines, and digestive perils. I'm surviving, though. Some days, I manage to be a little bit productive, but not in comparison to the average person. Just productive for me. If I can wash my hair, drive to the grocery store, prepare a simple meal, and clean the kitchen all in the same day, it's a productive day.

I'm forever trying to deal with stuff in my apartment, as I am still attempting to minimize my possessions. I have no assets of value, just "stuff", and I've learned over the years that I dislike being surrounded by "stuff". Here's my progress:

Kitchen Owl is helping me organize cookbooks. :-)

I'm keeping a stack, and giving the rest to my sister-in-law.

Last year, I intended to shred a box of paperwork, but couldn't find it.

I finally found it in my storage room closet, haha. Glad that's done!

I'm still not happy with the bathroom, but this picture is nice.

It doesn't look nearly as cozy in real life. It's kind of ugly.

I'll eventually figure out what to do to make it look better.

The bathroom closet.

That's still too much stuff, but it's being used.

It will eventually look a lot less busy as things run out.

The kitchen is hanging in there.

Sadly, I was forced to get rid of the dishwasher.

They said it was a lease violation. :(

The recycling center is 35 minutes away, but I go twice a month.

I feel better about using plastics, especially, since I started doing this.

I sorted through my old paintings and decided to give some of them away.

These two big ones, painted in 2010, were shipped to California last week.

AskFM is a hot mess, y'all, but it is booming with activity

and I have surprisingly reached 2500 answers already.

Ask me anything, but keep the questions clean and don't troll me.

We're having some spectacular sunsets!

This photo is only a drop in the bucket.

Last, but not least, I finally opened my charity store! It's on eBay and can be found under username ugottafriend4charity.

That's all for now. Talk to you soon.

I'm Coming Back

Hi everyone! I'm writing to let you know that I plan to play catch-up in December and January.

I've done a horrible job with my blog this year, for many reasons. One of those reasons is losing two of my laptop devices to old age. One of them completely died, abruptly with no warning. The other is barely hanging on, but frequently gives me the gray screen of death, refuses to load outside of safe mode, and daily powers off for no reason. The poor Macbook, which I have called Bessie, is without a doubt on its last leg. I'm probably going to reformat it and sell it for parts in 2020. It was an incredible investment, being a 2009 model, purchasing it at 50% off, and seeing it last so many years in spite of its clumsy owner (that would be me). I couldn't possibly complain about it.

I do have a small Acer Aspire One, the prequel to modern tablets. It's the flip phone of the tablet world, and it's adorable. I still use it to listen to music, but it's not fast or comfortable enough to run a website, so anything you've seen from me lately has been done from my phone. And anyone who knows me knows phones and I don't get along. I simply put the blog on the back burner because it was the most convenient thing to do.

There are other reasons, of course, including my health which has been a whirlwind - tornado is probably a more accurate word - of pain and problems. With the family issues and the housing issues and the doctor issues on top of that, and all of the stress and grieving that comes with all of it, I've been a mess. Worse than a mess. I've been a catastrophe.

But I'm still here. And I will continue to be, at least, I think I will. I received a letter from social security a few days ago letting me know they've canceled my disability review. It's a great relief, as I'm not supposed to be under any stress, and my doctor is too busy to handle tasks in a timely manner most of the time, much less to talk to them about how impossible I am by a deadline. So it's a burden off of my back to know that SSA believes I'm the least of their problems. They're correct, after all. I received a letter a couple of days later informing me of my 2020 income, of which I am grateful for in spite of how hard it is to live this way.

I also recertified my public housing status and signed a lease. I'll be here at the same apartment in 2020. As I stated previously, I do plan to continue to put myself on waiting lists for smoke-free housing, but I will remain here until a better opportunity arises.

I don't normally condone lawbreaking, of course, but thanks to whoever wrote this in the handicapped restroom at the park. Shame on you, but also, you're a real gem. Ha! Bless you. :-)

(I also never open my camera in a restroom. I made sure I was completely alone before I did.)

I'll be back soon. I have a new-to-me device (Merry Xmas to me?), which is allowing me to write much easier and faster as of today. I think it'll give me the motivation to get my crap together and write a blog worth reading again. I'm going to see what I can do.

Thanks for sticking around. xoxo

Life Lately, Part Two

I've got a lot to talk about.

The neighbor situation:

Domestic violence sucks. Things got so bad, the cops were frequently showing up to stop the fights, the tenant was taken away in an ambulance at some point, and nobody felt safe here anymore. I called the police four times myself, and they even asked me to come down to the station to give a written statement at 1:00 in the morning. It has been extremely stressful. I informed management that I now had recordings and written documentation of the fights, and that I planned to move as soon as I found another apartment. That changed everything. The last couple of weeks have been quiet. It appears a relative has moved in with the tenant, a lady with kids, and the violent boyfriend is no longer there. So that's a huge improvement, obviously, and hopefully it's going to stay this way. Both the manager and co-manager asked me not to move. They like me for some reason. I'll eventually move anyway, because I am still in need of smoke-free housing.

NaNoWriMo:

It's National Novel Writing Month already. This was my 7th NaNo. I do want to work on my novel, The Children of Mossy Hollow, and I was going to work on it this month. However, I have decided to back out. I'm overwhelmed, and not in good health, and I am choosing to focus solely on my wellness. Writing 50,000 words in one month is a heck of a task, and it's not reasonable at this time to take that on. Every day is a challenge, and at the moment I am aggressively pursuing better mental health, which leads me to the next bit of news.

The Circle:

I have invested in a new online community that specifically focuses on healing from trauma. As I mentioned in a previous blog, I have anxiety, PTSD, and suicidal ideation. I found a psych online who was sharing things on her page that were incredibly revealing and helpful. I have learned much from her in only a week of being connected. She launched a private community on November 1st, and I am now one of the founding members. The investment is very small. What one would normally pay for two hours of therapy locally, I will only be paying annually to her to be a part of this journey. It's already worth it, and due to the cost being so low, I can also continue to see my local therapist. There is little I can do to fix my wrecked body, but I think there's still hope for my mind, and I intend to improve it. Healing is not going to happen overnight, but I feel that I've already taken a giant step in the right direction.

Reading Goals:

I'm almost at the end of my reading challenge on Goodreads, but I have to tell you, I haven't liked many of the books. There are a few that I do want to recommend, and I will do that at the end of the year.

Inktober:

If you follow me on Twitter, you know I started Inktober. I tend to get in way over my head with art ideas, and this was no exception. I didn't abandon it, but the project is going to take far longer than a month. I wanted to let readers know that it will be completed and posted eventually.

This Blog:

RAWR! I am inundated with spam and Russian porn. I am not a fan of such things, as you know, so I am considering changing my blog host after being on Blogger for over a decade. The blog is going to continue in some form, somewhere. I just need to figure out what to do to deal with my frustration behind the scenes. I'll keep you posted!

Holiday Charity Campaign:

I want to adopt elephants. :-) If you would like to help me raise $100 over the holidays to benefit The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee, please give here. As always, I tell people not to sacrifice to the point that you can't eat or something. Always make sure your bills are paid, etc. But if you do have a few bucks to care for a rescued elephant, that would be awesome. Thanks. :-)

Primarily Pescetarian:

I started a Facebook page to document my food. It's not very active, as it is mostly only a photo album, and I plan to keep it that way. Feel free to follow it anyway, if you want to see what I'm cooking. The current photos on there are from over a period of ten years, so be aware of that. I cook far less these days, due to gastroparesis, but I still share food pics occasionally.

That's enough for now. Talk to you soon!

Halloween 2019, and a tiny cosplay tutorial.

Costuming is simply wearing a costume, but cosplaying is wearing a costume AND roleplaying the character, no matter where you are.

As follows:

"What a marvelous evening at the World's Fair!
I'm delighted my co-pilot and I decided to attend."

"Hmm, there certainly are a lot of people interested in our tethered airship!"

"Just a moment! What are those fiends doing to my co-pilot?"

"Ohhh no you don't, you nasty pirates!"

"Someone is stealing the airship! I must rescue my co-pilot. TIME to go!"

I only had four trick-or-treaters, sadly, but I enjoyed dressing up this year and making an attempt in spite of my ailing. I've had soup and crackers, and I'm ready for pajamas! I'll take the unclaimed snacks over to the homeless shelter tomorrow.

"To the airship! Destination: My Bed."

Life Lately, Part One

Medium Chunky describes me pretty well, but you didn’t hear that from me.

I guess I’m going to attempt to bring the blog up to date with a few photos and thoughts.

I attended a health fair by my apartment. Former Surgeon General Regina Benjamin, Senator Doug Jones, and others were on site and held a panel to talk about several things that affect our rural, impoverished town. I’m thankful to know Senator Jones cares about the situations that real, regular people face. He advocates for equality and human rights above all else, and that’s pretty hard to come by in Alabama. I’m glad I voted for him, and I hope he stays. I managed to speak up during the panel and ask Dr. Benjamin two questions, so maybe I’m not dead yet. I just need to get out more. Of course, that’s difficult to do when I can barely leave my bed or bathroom some days.

The gastroparesis is being managed, albeit, not that well. I never know from one day to the next if I’m going to be able to tolerate and successfully digest a food. I’m not willing to exist on soup broth and pudding forever, and my muscles let me know regularly that they’re dying for real food (mainly protein), so I keep trying. It’s a rocky road, and some days are better than others. I'm always in pain.

I’m well-stocked on fluids, thanks to friends who tackled my Amazon wish list. This month, I stocked my freezer with seafood again. It looks like I may be pescetarian for the long haul, at least partially. The stuffed crab and catfish filets in the above photo are out - both were so bad they produced a gag reflex. I’m doing ok with the rest in moderation. I’m still living primarily on soft foods and liquids. Alas, I remain “Medium Chunky” in spite of it all. My current goal is to lose 15 lbs, but that seems to always be my goal. We’ll see what the scale says when I go to the doctor in November.

I began looking for free foreign language classes online, and ended up signing up for a philosophy course, open online through Coursera. It was Intro to Philosophy via University of Edinburgh. It was the typical video lectures and tests, until the last module. Time Travel! And not just time travel, time travel taught by a Steampunk Professor named Alasdair. I smiled the whole time.

It was the only memorable part of the course, to be honest. The app is a bit wonky and the quizzes don't always load right. It was a little frustrating. I finished the course early, and deleted the app from my phone.

My positive distraction of the year has been Pokemon GO. I started it at the end of March, and I'm already level 38 (of the last level, 40). I didn't used to play games on my phone, but this has been an adventure. I'm in a group with thousands of players, all adults, of all ages, who live in my region. I don't get to participate like others do, due to my health, but when I can make a go (pun intended) of it, I seem to do ok. My niece Jo and a couple of siblings are playing as well, so it's fun to send gifts to each other. And it's free, which is the important part. I am hoping to achieve level 40 at the one-year mark, by March 2020.

I have more to blog about, and I'll do that soon. I need sleep.

World Mental Health Day 2019

It’s World Mental Health Day, and I want to help reduce stigma by bringing awareness.

I have PTSD, Anxiety, and Suicidal Ideation. I didn’t cause or ask for it. Nobody is immune to these conditions.

I’m seeking care through counseling, education, medication, and positive distractions. It’s still hard, and every day is a challenge.

I’m not here for sympathy or to be “fixed”, although I hope to continue to beat these monsters. What I equally want to beat is ignorance. We need to judge less and learn more. These are medical conditions, and patients should be treated as such - with dignity and empathy.

Hope is everything. Be a part of it. Mental health is as valid and vital as physical health, and it affects all of us.

Heartbreak, Refocus, and More

Indy 500 the rolling walker
photobombs me in the car.

Hey folks. How ya doing?

I’m spending less time these days reading social media news feeds and more time learning about how my body works so I can keep trying to fight all of the conditions that are wrecking me. I’m tired, but I don’t give up easily. I’m looking for books about channelopathies, neurology, and nephrology, if anyone can point me in a good direction on that. Preferably, I need reading material that I don’t have to pay for, since I’m poor. I've sadly had to give up on going to renal and muscular dystrophy clinics because I can't afford it any longer. Much of this issue involves my dad's abandonment of his promise to my mother on her deathbed, which, according to him, was to make sure I continued to seek medical care. She did tell me she regretted not doing so herself as she was dying. He in turn told her he would set money aside for my out-of-state medical care, and he instructed me to keep scheduling appointments in Jackson, which he planned to cover. All of that changed when he met the young bank teller/wannabe musician. I digress. It's his money and his life. I'm staying out of it.

I appreciate how kind my doctors were to me, and I will miss Dr. C especially. He inspired me, and I hope we can be friends someday in another life or something (preferably this one, if I get a choice). I'm devastated about losing more doctors, and it's also pretty scary. I've got one left, at the low-income clinic by my apartment. Thankfully, Dr. B is still on this crazy train, for now.

Speaking of the apartment, I am still attempting to minimize it. I donated collectibles and clothing to the local Make-A-Wish thrift store, including my kick scooter (which I can no longer balance on, of course), so I hope it finds a great home. I'm sorting through my closets and finally dealing with a lot of things I had stored away. Some of it hurts my heart, but I’m determined to own a lot less when I move out of this apartment someday. I’ll post photos soon of some things I’ve found that are fun or interesting or free for a local to claim.

I haven’t found the stamina yet, but I am planning to sort the pantry and freezer by expiration date, so that should be fun. The fridge is still nothing but liquids, applesauce, and pudding, so it’s already good to go. My digestive system and my diet are still a mess to deal with, and it looks like a permanent issue.

I’m very sick, but I’m going to become a capable, organized domestic queen if it kills me, ha. It very well might, but I need to do this. For me alone.

I've been given a lot of love and well wishes through all of this drama, and I am grateful. I do want to resume blogging on a more regular basis. Eventually, I’d like to give Facebook Live a go. We'll see what happens.

How do I clear the wreckage?

I'm always analyzing. I feel like I spend the majority of every day trying to find ways to do good and be good. Death is on my mind often, and I worry about not making a worthy impact before I go. I have existed what seems like too long, yet I fear my life has been lived in vain. I say frequently that it doesn't mean anything. I'm just another face in the crowd, and when I leave, nothing will change, and I probably shouldn't be here in the first place because it's just...pointless.

But lately, I've been thinking more about what I can do to help others while also saving myself. I carry the weight of the world even though I already know I'll never be able to do enough. I've concluded that I should probably find one thing to devote to. However, when I try to focus on one thing, other things present themselves and I feel like I need to start focusing on those things, thus my endless list of overwhelming to-dos and worries that may very well be contributing to my mental and physical decline.

I have low-functioning anxiety, I think. I become so undone that I crash and burn, resulting in being an ineffective human altogether. I'm not referring to my physical disability entirely, but generally speaking, my inability to cope with circumstances around me which I am unable to improve. Serious things like kids in cages, animal abuse, poverty, domestic violence, etc.

I believe my reactions to terrible acts, words, and situations are absolutely justified, and I don't think it's wrong to get angry or challenge and question those who are apathetic or supportive of the crises we see in front of us. I simply need to find a way to manage my despair so that I can remain collected enough to be effective, somehow.

That's why I'm in therapy. One of the reasons, anyway. There is a great deal to address, from childhood to present day, so it's not easy and this isn't going to be resolved overnight. I wish there was something - a conversation, a mission, or even a person - that exists in my heart as the key to positive and permanent change. I just can't figure out how to unlock that door or flip the switch in my head that makes me believe that I belong here, have a purpose, and possess the ability and wisdom to achieve a life worth living in a world worth being a part of. I'm stuck floating in mid-air with a failing engine and bad gears and no place to safely land.

In observing people who are seemingly successful, it appears they have found one big important thing to pour their lives into. I have failed to do that, because I look around me and it's all important. And all of these things are not just important, but urgent. And I derail and shut down.

What's the solution?

How do I clear the wreckage in my soul?

How do I build a human who functions, matters, and makes a difference?

Very Bad Week In The Gastro Department

The Gastroparesis episode of doom fell upon me Saturday morning. It was my worst bout yet, having briefly lost consciousness while violently vomiting. I came to, cleaned myself and the floor, changed clothes, called 911, and gagged into a bag throughout the entire half-hour ride to the hospital. I was treated for dehydration and nausea, and monitored for 8 hours. Everyone from the paramedics to the ER physician were fantastic. My cousin picked me up, took me to get scripts filled, and got me home.

I’m on a liquid diet indefinitely, and Zofran all week. I’m still having severe stomach cramps and bowel problems. It has been almost a week, and I haven’t been able to progress past clear liquids. I’ve lost six pounds since Saturday. I followed up at the local clinic, and I am to continue the clear fluids until my digestive tract stops trying to purge everything I put in it. Broths, gelatin, Saltines, and electrolyte drinks are all I’m taking in. I am optimistic that I will be able to upgrade to applesauce, pudding, and tomato soup soon. As you can see in the photo, I already had those stocked. The rest of my diet needs are currently arriving or en route from Amazon thanks to some wonderful friends who sent everything I asked for on my recovery wish list (it’s in the sidebar if that matters). I’m so grateful for the help.

This is a terrible way to learn one’s limitations, but I’m learning. This is all happening because I had the audacity to eat three meals in a 25-hour period. How dare I, right? I must accept that I cannot do what normal people do, even if I think I feel up to the challenge. My broken body is not designed to operate by the world’s standards. I’m required to create my own to survive.

I’m glad I didn’t die barfing in my bathroom. I know I could have, in fact, I grew up with someone who died exactly like this. It is a scary thought, and not at all how I intend to exit this world. I’ll keep learning and fighting as best as I can.

Hurricane Dorian Relief

Credit: Forbes

My friend Kelly over at Live Life Logically has compiled a list of ways to help those affected by Hurricane Dorian. You can find it here. Thanks Kelly!

I’ve been wanting to blog.

But I’ve been too overwhelmed to type it all out.

My (step)dad, who was the person I was closest to, has disowned me over a young woman who is scamming him to obtain all of his assets. I went to authorities, and they sympathized heavily but cannot proceed without him having a mental evaluation, which nobody can force him to do. So the investigation is at a standstill until he proves vulnerability or she proves herself to be a crook. On top of that, he has cancer and doesn’t seem to be seeking the support he needs for that, although he could be now. We haven’t spoken since May. This has felt very much like a death, and it has been difficult to move past. I feel officially alone now, if that makes sense.

I’m a roller coaster of emotions from worry and exhaustion to anger and despair. Being sick and in severe pain with no hope of escape only adds fuel to the fire. I know I need to get out of my own head, but I need to get out of this body and this apartment and these circumstances as well. There’s no way to do that, so I simply wish for this to be over. I’m tired of existing this way.

My soc security is under review, and even though it is blatantly obvious that I remain disabled, and have gotten worse in some ways since my declaration, my stress level is maximized because I don’t trust most people. Most people are ableist. Most people don’t give a damn about me or what happens to me. I have no reason to rest easy, especially under the current prejudiced and incompetent administration. 

I can only rely on my doctors to have hopefully documented within the last 24 months that I am pathetic. As you know if you’ve been reading long enough, my experience with doctors doing what they’re supposed to do has been abysmal since my youth. The few exceptions are who saved me, but they are out of my life now, so I don’t know what my medical records look like. I can only hope and pray the current documentation is satisfactory. My body is unstable and losing SS/Medicaid would end my life. My life isn’t much worth living - nobody knows that more than I do - but this isn’t the way I want to go. I’m still trying to carry on.

And I will keep trying, until someone or something else stops me.