I'm always analyzing. I feel like I spend the majority of every day trying to find ways to do good and be good. Death is on my mind often, and I worry about not making a worthy impact before I go. I have existed what seems like too long, yet I fear my life has been lived in vain. I say frequently that it doesn't mean anything. I'm just another face in the crowd, and when I leave, nothing will change, and I probably shouldn't be here in the first place because it's just...pointless.
But lately, I've been thinking more about what I can do to help others while also saving myself. I carry the weight of the world even though I already know I'll never be able to do enough. I've concluded that I should probably find one thing to devote to. However, when I try to focus on one thing, other things present themselves and I feel like I need to start focusing on those things, thus my endless list of overwhelming to-dos and worries that may very well be contributing to my mental and physical decline.
I have low-functioning anxiety, I think. I become so undone that I crash and burn, resulting in being an ineffective human altogether. I'm not referring to my physical disability entirely, but generally speaking, my inability to cope with circumstances around me which I am unable to improve. Serious things like kids in cages, animal abuse, poverty, domestic violence, etc.
I believe my reactions to terrible acts, words, and situations are absolutely justified, and I don't think it's wrong to get angry or challenge and question those who are apathetic or supportive of the crises we see in front of us. I simply need to find a way to manage my despair so that I can remain collected enough to be effective, somehow.
That's why I'm in therapy. One of the reasons, anyway. There is a great deal to address, from childhood to present day, so it's not easy and this isn't going to be resolved overnight. I wish there was something - a conversation, a mission, or even a person - that exists in my heart as the key to positive and permanent change. I just can't figure out how to unlock that door or flip the switch in my head that makes me believe that I belong here, have a purpose, and possess the ability and wisdom to achieve a life worth living in a world worth being a part of. I'm stuck floating in mid-air with a failing engine and bad gears and no place to safely land.
In observing people who are seemingly successful, it appears they have found one big important thing to pour their lives into. I have failed to do that, because I look around me and it's all important. And all of these things are not just important, but urgent. And I derail and shut down.
What's the solution?
How do I clear the wreckage in my soul?
How do I build a human who functions, matters, and makes a difference?
