My (step)dad, who was the person I was closest to, has disowned me over a young woman who is scamming him to obtain all of his assets. I went to authorities, and they sympathized heavily but cannot proceed without him having a mental evaluation, which nobody can force him to do. So the investigation is at a standstill until he proves vulnerability or she proves herself to be a crook. On top of that, he has cancer and doesn’t seem to be seeking the support he needs for that, although he could be now. We haven’t spoken since May. This has felt very much like a death, and it has been difficult to move past. I feel officially alone now, if that makes sense.
I’m a roller coaster of emotions from worry and exhaustion to anger and despair. Being sick and in severe pain with no hope of escape only adds fuel to the fire. I know I need to get out of my own head, but I need to get out of this body and this apartment and these circumstances as well. There’s no way to do that, so I simply wish for this to be over. I’m tired of existing this way.
My soc security is under review, and even though it is blatantly obvious that I remain disabled, and have gotten worse in some ways since my declaration, my stress level is maximized because I don’t trust most people. Most people are ableist. Most people don’t give a damn about me or what happens to me. I have no reason to rest easy, especially under the current prejudiced and incompetent administration.
I can only rely on my doctors to have hopefully documented within the last 24 months that I am pathetic. As you know if you’ve been reading long enough, my experience with doctors doing what they’re supposed to do has been abysmal since my youth. The few exceptions are who saved me, but they are out of my life now, so I don’t know what my medical records look like. I can only hope and pray the current documentation is satisfactory. My body is unstable and losing SS/Medicaid would end my life. My life isn’t much worth living - nobody knows that more than I do - but this isn’t the way I want to go. I’m still trying to carry on.
And I will keep trying, until someone or something else stops me.
