March is here already.

And I'm behind on my blogging. I didn't start the year out too well where that is concerned. There is so much to write about these days that I'm overwhelmed, and I end up not writing anything at all. Mostly, I want to improve upon my medical blog and genealogy blog, but I keep dragging my heels. I will eventually tackle the tasks.

I've been extremely tired and in a lot of pain, and pushing myself to the point of physically crashing. I'm struggling with achieving a reasonable balance in nearly every facet of my life, and while balance is something I will always strive for, what I only want to do at the moment is sleep.

I returned to counseling today, and it amounted to a rant session about my limitations and my inability to deal with peers who've crawled out of the woodwork to support the terrible current events that have taken place over the last two years. People I've grown up with, or are related to, or have been friends with for years are suddenly bigoted, and in some cases, cruel. That has been a difficult adjustment, and it has made me question how I ended up in their realm. Most of the answers are obvious: was born into the family, grew up in that town and went to such and such school, and share certain general interests. In other words, we were compatible by blood or proximity. In a few rare cases, people simply changed, or they always carried such views, but hid them until now because they feel more comfortable letting their ugly flag fly. As for what to do with them, there's no real answer. I've already cut my Facebook down by hundreds, and I've ditched the majority of the family. I've learned through studying minimalism that it's not just about stuff. It's about people too, and how they affect your quality of life. In math terms, you can ask yourself the question "Is this person adding, subtracting, multiplying, or dividing?" I've seen some people even make a written list. Remember the old slam books from junior high? They were terrible, but not completely unuseful. When struggling with someone's presence, weigh their pros and cons. It sounds like solid advice, but it's a whole lot easier said than done.

Back to my limitations, I've been doing what I always do, and that's push myself until my body crashes over and over again. I live in HUD housing, which has to be kept in acceptable condition, and there's nobody here to do that except me. Even if there was someone else living here, I wouldn't be sitting around expecting them to do everything. I have to be able to operate my body. I have standards for my living conditions in addition to that, and I try my best to achieve it for the sake of my own sanity. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, and I don't think I qualify, but if the diagnosis ever arose, I would do nothing more than shrug my shoulders and say "Fine with me. At least my body isn't gross and my apartment doesn't look like garbage." And that would most likely be the end of the conversation, because it's my body and my apartment, so thank you, that is all.

My counselor suggested I find a local service for people with disabilities that offers to help me with cleaning and shopping. Except there isn't one. I live rural. None of the grocery stores that I shop at deliver here. There's also no restaurant delivery (not even Pizza Hut for heaven's sake), and the only people who offer to clean are locals who are unlicensed and looking for extra money. I'm not desperate enough to let a stranger in here around my medications and inherited collectibles (the latter will eventually find new homes, but that's another story for another time). I can't afford maid service. Family is not an option.

So there's little 'ol frustrated me with the frustrated muscles. I'm doing what I can, and overdoing it often, and paying the price. There's nothing normal about living with systemic disease, and it could be a lot worse, but it's not something that I can bring myself to accept, and that's where my head comes into this. I know how to acknowledge that this is my life. I don't have a choice. But to accept it is a step that I can't seem to reach. I don't know if I ever will.

I have no solutions, but I will keep trying to make it day by day, and continue to do the best I can with what I've been given.

The wild west is not in the west.

It's apparently here in the deep south.

The new neighbors are frequently fighting. Not just yelling; actually beating one another against the wall. I heard "help me" once, and called the police. The police suggest I tell the office. The office has stated in their monthly condescending newsletter that any problem is not their problem after office hours. Call the police. So nobody cares but me. And the truth is, I wouldn't care if they weren't disturbing me, because she keeps letting him back into the apartment knowing they're going to fight. She kicks him out, then lets him right back in a few hours or a day or two later. Over and over and over.

After a long night of hearing their fighting from my bedroom, I left to go sit at the only place open in my town, Waffle House. I made the mistake of placing an order, which I paid for and had to wait for as a fight began a few feet away from me. An obviously-impaired woman started yelling at the top of her lungs and harassing people. The cook, who was also yelled at, eventually told her to leave him alone so he could cook for "this nice lady", who was me. That wasn't helpful, as that only directed her attention to me. I was so fed up at that point, I snapped "Yes, I would like my food so I can leave!" So naturally, the woman started threatening me. "You done f'ed up bitch", etc etc. Her boyfriend told her to stop, and said to me "I'm trying to save you but she's right, you done f'ed up." Everyone in the restaurant was at attention at that point, looking pretty concerned. " I announced calmly that she was the one acting like a fool, that I was armed, and that I wasn't going to let her hurt anybody in there. At that, she walked out and took her loud, obnoxious mouth into the parking lot where she continued to yell and threaten nobody in particular, while her friends assured the waitress that they would take care of her bill.

First of all, let me state that I should have left immediately when the woman started in spite of having placed an order. The company would have lived with losing that seven bucks, and they are entirely at fault for allowing that woman to stay and make customers feel unsafe.

Secondly, I don't own a gun and never will. Being "armed" means I have mace in my pocket and a stun gun in my car. The stun gun took me a year to talk myself into, only after my life was directly threatened in the grocery store parking lot, and it was free. If I ever have to use it, I will be traumatized for life. I've never hurt anyone, and don't plan to.

But you can't let the idiots in this town know that. You only get respect when you make yourself clear that you have the upper hand. Otherwise, their "bad ass" is going to "f you up". That is the mentality in this town. Aggression wins.

I hate every minute of it, and I hate almost everyone here. Literal Nazis, who simultaneously claim to serve Jesus, run the local pizza shop. Good luck going to the store without an addict asking for money or trying to carjack you. I once carried groceries into my apartment from the car and a man high on drugs jumped in front of me in my own breezeway and asked if I was "ready to do it". He only backed down because the women he was with yelled at him to leave me alone. Everybody wants to beat the hell out of everybody for no good reason. The cops might as well set up a station in this neighborhood to save some time.

My French ancestors founded this city, and it is documented history that they were good, respectable people. When the Spanish took over the area, they granted this land to the family because they liked them. And now it has become this. It's disheartening, and I am drained in every way.

Rant over. I just wanted to make clear what happened the other night, since I mentioned it on Twitter. I'll obviously never step foot in WH again, but the fact that I have to make that kind of decision at all is a disgrace. I hate aggression, and I'll do whatever I can to halt or at least avoid it, but a public defender I am not. So don't be surprised if I'm murdered someday for simply trying to protect myself or someone else in this god-forsaken town.

February So Far

Hello folks, I'm back. :-) Thanks for coming back, too.

I went on hiatus for reasons I will not state, but it was needed and I will say that February has gone a little better this year than last. If you've been here long enough, you know that last February involved the myotonic episode of doom which had me yelling in pain, throwing up, and unable to move. Bad times.

I have been feeling on the verge of these episodes once again, but so far I've been able to prevent them with Magnesium. That mineral comes with its own set of problems, but I've found it to be absolutely necessary to my function. Of course, I'm still on a tremendous amount of potassium, as well as kidney and heart drugs. I'll update the medical blog in the near future. I've been dragging my heels where that's concerned.

I remained on Facebook and Twitter most of the month, and didn't take a break from Instagram at all. IG seems easiest to deal with these days, and I'm learning how to tolerate the occasional buffoonery that I run into there (fun fact: Instagram is NOT A DATING SITE. Leave me alone! Rawr!), ha! It has been fine for the most part, and I appreciate the likes and nice comments I receive.

The biggest news is that I started counseling. What should have been an hour and a half intro consult turned into three hours. We both agreed there is a lot to address. I maintained my composure with the exception of mentioning kids in cages on the border, and dealing with ableism. Those subjects brought me to tears, but I managed to unload a lot of my life story without a problem in that short period of time. There's plenty more to talk about. While I am still having dark moments, and it was hard to bring up a lot of the things I've been through, I'm glad I decided to start this journey. My counselor seems kind, she's my age, and we agree on a lot of things politically-speaking, so she can relate to my frustration concerning that. We'll see how she handles the rest of my turbulent life, but so far, this has been a good decision. I have complete freedom in choosing if and when to return, and I plan to do that in March.

I hope if anyone is hesitating to seek counsel that you will choose to take that first step. I am on a low-income sliding scale that is reasonable even for someone with as little money as I have. Friends have been helpful too, and I appreciate them so much. It's good to know I don't have to deal with my brain alone anymore. I don't regret speaking out about how I was feeling, even if some people are judging me (who cares what they think, really)!

My photos are horrible, but I'm going to share anyway, as I do.

I tackled the storage room (this is a 2nd bedroom...I am overhoused as I've stated in the past). I can see the floor again, I swept, mopped, organized...yay.

Which wiped me out with muscle weakness. Boo.

I'm having more episodes lately for a variety of reasons.

Weather fluctuations are always a factor, if nothing else.

I discovered Murphy Oil Soap and it is my new BFF.

(You should have seen that range hood beforehand. Yuck.)

Due to Gastroparesis, I have decided to switch back to a mostly pescetarian diet. I didn't tolerate the other meats well at all, and things began going downhill again. I'm a plump woman, but nobody needs to be losing 23 pounds in 21 days like I did last year, including me. I do want to lose weight, but it will be done the right way or not at all. That's how I roll. The haters can deal with it.

(I was unfriended over this on Facebook by someone with body image issues. Sorry I'm not extreme enough for you. But actually not sorry. Peace.)

Anyway, I've stocked up on seafood, which is thankfully affordable here.

And I made my way to World Market to pick up a Clearly Canadian mineral water. Almost an hour later, I left with all of this. I usually hate shopping, but I can't resist World Market's food section. Thanks to my stepdad for covering the cost of all of this loveliness. My only lamentation was they had no Inca Kola.

Those chocolate bars are 100% slave-free, and I'm glad they had them in stock. I've followed Tony's on social media and know they're doing good. The bars are huge and will take me weeks to eat because I only consume 2-3 squares per day. It's totally worth it. I'll consider it an early birthday gift, I guess.

Pics of my occasional cooking shenanigans are on Instagram.

That's all for now, I suppose, but I'll be back by the end of the month.

Love to all.

What I Did In January

I read:

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

The Myth of Equality by Ken Wytsma

The Moral Basis of Democracy by Eleanor Roosevelt

No Greater Love by Mother Teresa

Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman

(In Progress)

Beauty For Ashes by Joyce Meyer

Complementary Approaches To Pain by NIH and NCCIH

I drew:

"Art Saves Lives"
4 x 6 Colored Pencil on Bristol

This is my contribution to the 2019 Twitter Art Exhibit, which will be held in Scotland this year. The charity that will benefit is called Art In Healthcare, and anyone who knows me knows how close to my heart art therapy is. I'm happy to be a part of this effort. I'll post about the reception when I know the details.

I cooked:

Not much. I was contagiously ill for over a week. I've been eating a lot of freezer meals (that I made in December...that turned out to be a great idea), local dishes, too much coffee, and processed junk. I'm feeling the effects of this via Gastroparesis, HKPP, and severe acid reflux, and will be getting back on track in February. I expect to finish what's in my freezer, then I'd like to switch back to a mostly-pescetarian diet. I plan to try salad more regularly again, with limited greens since I have to avoid fiber and oxalate. And I have to get off of coffee. I should have never taken it up to begin with, but I got stuck on it during the 2018 Gastroparesis nightmare of doom when I was unable to keep anything solid down. I do credit it for halting the rapid weight loss I was experiencing, but now that I've gained again, I know I have to kick it to the curb.

I did make this beautiful seafood stew. I'm lucky to live in a community where I can drive 20 seconds down the road to buy snapper fillets on the Bayou. I buy shrimp at Rouses Market and Patagonian scallops at Publix. Everything is reasonably-priced since I am able to stretch the portions so far. Cooking for one has its advantages.

I did also cook for a local soccer coach who is going through chemo, but I'm not sharing pics. He is very young, and my heart really goes out to him. I wish him the best.

Other stuff:

I downloaded a biology textbook from a STEM university because I am a giant nerd who refuses to stop learning. I'll read it sometime this year.

I participated in that silly 10-Year Photo Challenge.

I lamented over the government shutdown, which has temporarily resolved. He who shall not be named has said that he'll shut it down again in February, so we'll have to see what happens. I really appreciate those who have reached out to me concerning this scare. I look forward to 2021, when I hope and pray the tables will turn and we will have someone relatively sane in charge again.

I went to see Mary Poppins Returns. Emily Blunt is super. Lin-Manuel Miranda is adorable. Dick Van Dyke put a big smile on my face. Dame Angela Lansbury produced instant tears. It was the most Mary Poppins movie ever, which makes no sense, which means it makes perfect sense. :)

I changed my mind about considering a relationship. Then I changed my mind again. Then I changed it back again. I can't decide, so it's probably for the best that I not think about it right now. If I've learned one thing about consent, it's that it should be enthusiastic and unhesitating. The fact is, I'm not healthy. And while I know many people who are ill who are making partnerships work, I can't seem to fully wrap my brain around it. I'm either too self-loathing, or it really is a bad idea. I don't know which, but I hope counseling will help me figure this out eventually. So I've decided that at this moment, with the exception of one person (don't ask because I'm not telling), I will respectfully decline a date if asked.

I got too mad on Twitter. I anticipate my counselor suggesting that I give up social media, since it is triggering me. I already restricted my Facebook quite a lot (back in 2017, I think) and barely read the news feed anymore. It was a good decision. I have mixed feelings about doing this on Twitter, but it is such a poor reflection of who I am that I know I have to make a change. I feel that it's important to stay informed, so it's not going to be easy, but I have to stop letting terrible people get to me. I end up stooping to an - I won't say unacceptable - uncomfortable level. I keep asking myself why I get so angry, but the only answer I come up with is why isn't everyone this angry. The only way we're going to stop injustice is to get angry and fight for change. But I know lashing out with cursing and name-calling is unhelpful, and it's not me - it's truly not. The people who have lived with me or spent any reasonable amount of time with me live in person would vouch for that 100%. Twitter folks (the ones I've never met) would undoubtedly be surprised by my shy and lethargic nature. Anyway, it's time to regroup. I'll get my counselor's advice on limiting my triggers without disconnecting from the world completely, and then go from there.

Things will get better somehow. I will be better, too.

Coffee and Love

A little ironic for me, I realize, but I thought it was cute.
I found it at Mack n DD's Emporium on Dauphin Island.

Wordless Wednesday: DV/Abuse Awareness

safehorizon.org

Wordless Wednesday: How To Love An Introvert

These books are important.

This has been my life since childhood.

I was neglected, falsely accused, mocked, shunned, misdiagnosed, abused, and refused treatment because I was a woman who hadn't achieved my doctors' sexist ideals.

I suffered greatly. The damage was done and is now irreversible.

This is my story and countless others'.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/13/books/review-doing-harm-maya-dusenbery-ask-me-about-my-uterus-abby-norman-invisible-michele-lent-hirsch.html

People love to victim-blame and make ableist statements in an attempt to discount someone's injustice, especially in regards to their health, safety, and quality of life. The fact of the matter is, this is my truth, and nothing you say will make it not true. My one life, the only one I will ever have, has been permanently impaired by a patriarchal society.

You don't get to tell me how to feel about that, no matter who you are.

I hope women will continue to speak out. It may be too late for many of us, but, God willing, future generations of women will benefit from our horror stories as some doctors learn how to treat them with the respect and care they deserve.

The usual end-of-the-year overthinking: a goal review, new goals, and other thoughts

We are finally at the end of this crazy year. I, for one, am hoping to reset my mind and heart to embrace a new start. But first, it's time to review my 2018 goals to see how I fared.

1. Stick to the diet most ideal for my systemic disease.

Gastroparesis threw off my diet in the worst way. I had to switch from high protein and fat (muscular dystrophy diet) to a liquid and soft food diet that involved the least possible amount of fiber. I am still having to medicate, which produces harsh side effects, and every day is a challenge, but I am attempting to resume a solid diet. I have to fast fairly often, and I still stay far away from fiber in most cases. I'm taking things one day at a time.

2. Read more and write more, with frequent updates.

Wow, did I ever. I have read many more books this year than I have in years past. Hoopla and Overdrive have been a gift. My Goodreads tells me my count for 2018 is 62 books, but I did abandon 6 or 8, so I am somewhere in the 50s. I plan to continue this pace in 2019.

3. Study minimalism and document my ongoing effort.

I certainly did. I read several books and articles, I'm following minimalists on social media to stay motivated, and I've documented my progress here on the blog and on Facebook. My kitchen, dining room, and living room are fully decluttered. My problem areas are my bedroom closets and drawers. My storage room (the second bedroom) is just that - storage - but I still tidy it up sometimes to make sure things don't get too out of hand. I'll deal with the remainder of my apartment early in 2019, in fact, I'll be cleaning out my closet very soon.

4. Sort all paperwork for storing or shredding.

I did this, but oddly enough, I didn't find the big box of paperwork that I thought I still had lying around. All I can figure is that I already dealt with it at some point and I just don't remember doing so. The way my brain is these days, this is not too surprising.

5. Spend less idle time on the cray-cray interwebs.

Observers may disagree, but I did spend less time online. I was reading, listening to audio books and lectures, and sorting the apartment. So I know for a fact that I spent less time sitting on the internet. I've noticed that my Facebook has especially been quieter, as I use to post many times a day, and now I post around once or twice, if that. So progress! As for my Twitter: no comment. *runs away*

6. Either utilize art supplies, or get rid of them (yikes).

I let go of a whopping 27 stretched canvases from my teaching days, but I did use some of my supplies for a few projects. As always, I have more projects planned, and I'll share about them soon. I'm also still following that free online drawing course I've been talking about, and will be doing so for quite a while, as it is equivalent to a year of college. Thankfully I can lie on the couch and watch the professor draw, and work on my own drawings at my own pace as my condition allows. That is way different from going to college, which nearly killed me. People don't understand how much labor is involved in an art studio unless they subject themselves to it. It's hard. As my former instructor used to say, "if it was easy, everybody would be doing it".

7. Find effective methods for managing stress episodes.

This has been another challenging year. I'm on a low dose of medication now in an attempt to reduce my anxiety. I downloaded the Calm app on my phone. I attended a drum circle (something I failed to mention here). I'm currently looking for a counselor to discuss PTSD, and I have a couple of workbooks. I know I have issues, and I've held them in too long. I decided to start talking about it and reaching out to a few specific people who I felt were safe enough to tell how I was feeling without being misjudged. I knew I had to, because I had reached the point of implosion, and my mind was spiraling into thoughts of death. I won't let a single person shame me for it. I don't know anyone who could successfully live in this much pain with no relief for as long as I have and keep their cool. When I met with psychiatrists in 2014, that is exactly what they said also. I'm trying to learn to accept my brokenness so I can move forward in pursuing whatever wellness I can find.

If I'm not mistaken, this is the most successful list of annual goals I've ever tried to tackle.

I do have some new goals. Here they are in no particular order of importance:

1. Relearn basic conversational (Canadian) French

2. Relearn Chess and attempt to start a local group

3. Spend less idle time on my social media accounts

4. Pursue therapy, coping, and pain/stress management

5. Reopen art and craft sales strictly for charitable purposes

6. Catch up on all things Periodic Paralysis and update the blog
7. Work on my family tree, updating my blog and Ancestry account

That's about all I can handle. If French goes well, I would like to switch to Spanish.

Someone asked me how I've changed over the past year. My response and additional thoughts:

- I am slightly more educated. Even though I have trouble retaining information these days due to sleep deprivation and brain fog, I try to never stop learning.

- I've talked myself into pursuing various forms of therapy. If you must know the TMI: PTSD/anxiety cognitive therapy, pelvic floor therapy to deal with bladder and other pelvic issues, and eventually sex therapy if I find myself comfortable enough to benefit from it someday (today is not that day, thank you).

- I've opened my mind to the possibility of companionship. I'm not overly-excited, but I changed from a resounding "hell no" for the last fifteen years to a "well, maybe I'll think about it" after my 40th birthday. I don't know why turning forty did that to me. Frankly, I have no expectations. I have no intention of actively pursuing a romantic relationship, and it's probably not going to happen either way. I'm independent-minded. I can't allow anything but total respect for who I am and utmost patience with my limited abilities. I exist in chronic pain. And, I believe I'm too intense for most men to begin with.

I think I'm decent friend material in spite of my rocky life, so at least I've got that going for me. I know my tribe is out there somewhere. *waves hello* Have I mentioned how much I like living by myself? By all means, come over for dinner! Then go home. :-P

I've been on both Blogger and Facebook for ten years now. It's hard to believe either one has lasted this long, but here they are still occupying space in my head. That's not a complaint. I am lucky to have people all over the world reading my mess, and some of them genuinely care. I'm grateful to you for choosing to be a part of my turbulent world.

May I meet the new year with bravery and hope in my heart.

Have a safe and blessed 2019, friends.

The very Dollar General I choose to go to...

...and God knows there are plenty to choose from since there is one on every corner, I end up in the one with the visibly contagiously ill cashier.

And now I've got what he had.

Not amused, Dollar General. Not amused.

I had a rough night, but my fever has broken

so maybe I won't have to bother my doctor.

I pre-scheduled my annual NYE post the other day,

so it'll show up in the A.M. whether I'm online or not.

Talk to you soon. Be well, everyone.

Minimalist Apartment Update - December 2018

I love a clean and organized refrigerator.

I'm glad to say my kitchen is 100% decluttered.

My closet shelving is coming along.

And now, a special appearance by my Eeyore pajamas. :-)

Remember this post?

It's the end of the year,

so I tackled the closet!

This is going to the shelter.

I have empty hangers now, but still have plenty of clothing.

Thrift store shopping is my thing, and it is worth it.

I'll continue my efforts in 2019.

Thanks for following my progress!

Minimalist Budgeting (In Pictures)

I use cash in envelopes for bills that are paid in person. Other bills are paid online.

I have one basic bank account for the purpose of direct deposit.

I use Evernote to make a summary divided into "fixed" and "variable" expenses.
I realized later that OneDrive is fixed and moved it into the appropriate category.
Once the bill is paid, I type in the amount, then put a * when it clears the bank.

I use Evernote to make a list of groceries in the pantry, freezer, and fridge.
Taking inventory helps me to spend wisely.
It also helps with meal planning.
For example, I currently have a lot of carbs on-hand, but not enough solid protein.
This is due to the gastroparesis diet I've been on, but this month,
I have switched back to a low-fiber high protein diet.
So looking at inventory, I know not to buy any carbs or condiments,
but to put butter and soft meats on my shopping list.

I use Evernote to make a list of itemized expenses.
This is why I hoard receipts for a month at a time.
The expenses vary from time-to-time.
This time it was fabric softener. Next time it'll be shampoo. Etc.

I tried using other software, tables, and fancy templates, but they felt cluttered and unnecessary. My system looks basic and boring, but it works. I know what happens to my money, which is the point of budgeting. Since I review where each dollar goes, I am able to assess (and reassess to absolute death) my spending to see if and where I can make adjustments. The hard reality of budgeting social security income is seeing month after month that overspending is not really the issue. Most days, there just isn't enough money to cover everything to begin with.

I used to budget people's incomes for a living when I was a federal paralegal. I was required to take their paycheck stubs and force their take home pay into a spending plan. I had dealt with hundreds of clients by the time I was laid off. Between that experience and my parents' extreme penny pinching, I learned how to do this in my youth, and have been doing it ever since.

Minimalism isn't for everyone, but surely there's a system out there for everyone. This is the one that happens to work for me. Do whatever works for you!

My Big Fat 3 A.M Deliriously Sleep-Deprived Mental Health Video Blog

On Sexuality

Hi. This post is going to be a bit different, and very personal, and very long, but I do hope you'll hang in there to the end if you want to learn more about me, and perhaps others.

One of my good friends announced that she was asexual about 12 years ago. I wanted to learn more about it, so I joined her support group, AVEN, to ask questions. My last relationship had ended in 2003, and I had no desire at all to attempt any further romantic relationships. After speaking with her network, we all agreed that I was hetero-non-sexual, meaning straight and abstinent. I have remained so to this day.

I have a TON of reasons why I'm abstinent, none of which I will be getting into here. That's a choice I've made that I am allowed to change anytime I choose.

Sexuality is not a choice. It's the body's physiological response to sensory cues (visual, touch, smell, etc). That response produces feelings in the mind and physical body. When a sexual person sees, hears, feels, etc. someone that they find attractive, whether they know them or not, they feel things in their body and mind. That's a normal, involuntary response for the average sexual person.

I already knew I wasn't one of those people. When all of my 6th grade female classmates were crazy over NKOTB, my 25 year old coworkers were going on about Matthew McConaughey, concert buddies were swooning over nearly-naked Adam Levine, and my friends in their 30s and 40s were having parties to watch Magic Mike and Fifty Shades, I deadpanned every time. I had no interest whatsoever. I've always felt that this world is far too sexual and one of several reasons I don't belong in it. I still feel that way, but over the past week, I've educated myself and gained some understanding.

I ran across an article by accident the other day. It turns out that it has been decided (by scientists who study these things for a living) that there is a mid-range between asexual and sexual called demisexual. The term has existed since 2008, but I had never heard of it. This site explains it well. (It's a short summary. Please consider reading.) I can say for sure that I am hetero, but based on this and other websites, many demisexual traits strongly apply to me as well.

I wrote a private blog recently, and I've decided to go ahead and share it here:

-----begin

"bestlifeonline.com/demisexual

I'm definitely hetero. I do know that much. But I thought emotional attachment was just a normal part of this. Not truly caring about someone you have sex with has always seemed like some cold-hearted bullshit in my mind. I was raised on hellfire and brimstone, "foosball's the devil" style. It wasn't my default mindset, but it was pounded into me by my mother and church people, and it has taken a long time to rid myself of their paranoia, blame, fear, and loathing. Now that those people are removed, and I've gained some real knowledge and have total freedom to think and live for myself, I've made great strides to change the way I understand and interact with others. (So don't feel attacked, readers, because I'm not attacking other sexual orientations. I have friends all across the sexual spectrum now. I'm only explaining myself.)

#15 is not me for sure (dislike erotica/porn), but I can relate to many of the other facts in the article. I've said since my early teens that I'm not a sexual person. Also not asexual, and AVEN agrees. Hate the term "friendzoned" because you should be their friend first and foremost. Always thought of most people as too sexual. I have never considered that requiring an emotional connection with someone to feel sexually attracted to them as anything other than the correct way to operate, which is why I don't understand much of the population, and one of several reasons why I don't believe I belong here and frequently view the world as dismal and dangerous. I would honestly be horrified to be as sexual as some people I've encountered. They'll have sex with anyone, including people they can't stand, and I want to scream "What the hell is wrong with you?!" And now, the world is telling me that this is "normal" sexuality and mine is not? I admit I'm on the fence about that.

Maybe I'll bring this up to a counselor, but it's certainly not a problem to be solved. I'm so glad I don't want sex with people I don't love, and I don't envy those who do. The very thought baffles me/terrifies me/grosses me out. If that puts me in a gray area, I guess I'll accept that. It sounds ridiculous for it to not be the norm, though. Anything else doesn't make sense to me.

That's how all people feel, right? Whatever sexuality they are, they can't imagine being anything else because it feels right.

Huh."

-----end

Now that said, I'm no longer on the fence about it. Things that I questioned:

- my religious upbringing/sense of morality

- my serious medical conditions and chronic pain

- the psychological and sexual trauma I've experienced

But this article that I shared in the beginning answered those questions. The paragraph that drove it home for me was:

"Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction regardless of whether or not they have a close emotional bond with someone. They may have sexual feelings for attractive people on the street, classmates or coworkers they’ve barely spoken to, or celebrities. However, they may choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons: it might not be feasible or appropriate, they want to make sure the person is respectful and kind, it’s against their religious beliefs, they only want to have sex in a romantic relationship, etc. The difference is that demisexuals don’t start out with these sexual feelings at all."

Correct. I don't have those feelings at all. And much of what I've read so far is me without any hesitation whatsoever.

When I first talked to AVEN, the term demisexual didn't exist. They felt that I was hetero but abstinent, which I am. It's a no-brainer. It not only doesn't bother me to be abstinent, it doesn't make sense to me not to be, because I'm not in love.

When I meet someone that I feel compelled to analyze, sexy isn't the first word that comes to mind, but that doesn't mean I don't find certain men sexy. Is he a jerk? Then no, he's not sexy. Is he kind and respectful? He might be sexy, because his emotional quotient (E.Q.) and associated behavior determine how I respond to him. Of course, other character traits matter too; I certainly don't want to throw myself at any man who is emotional or nice. I have standards like everybody else. Strict ones, in fact, for the sake of my health and safety. However, I do have "crushes" sometimes, for lack of a better word, and I've absolutely experienced the agony of a broken heart. I must make clear that I don't lack feelings. It's simply that sexual attraction has a prerequisite of deep emotional connection.

None of this should be a concern to anyone. When I talked about it on Facebook, a friend asked me if this makes me feel heard or feel safer. I feel a combination of different and relieved, but I've always known I was different sexually, I just didn't know it had a name. I guess overall it helps that it has a name, and it is a relief to finally be properly acknowledged. I think acquaintances should definitely feel at ease knowing this about me, but I don't necessarily feel safer myself. I'm pretty horrified that sexual urges/responses to others at random (as the article says, people on the street, coworkers, etc) applies to the majority. I don't mean they feel that way about me (don't flatter myself, ha...I wouldn't do that) but I'm glad I am not like that because it sounds frustrating and scary. It explains a lot about the world, however, and I'll have to work on accepting that. So I still have mixed feelings about who I am being considered a deviation from the norm, but this is without question where I am on a sexual scale. I find that sexual content (jokes, movies, TV, internet) makes me uncomfortable in a grossed-out way, and now I understand why (no emotional connection). And even though I can laugh at someone's statements or think strangers are handsome or gorgeous or whatever, it's not a sexual urge. I don't feel anything physical for them, I just think they're funny or have a nice face or something, and in my heart I hope they are good people. I might want to get to know them better, and getting to know them better may very well lead to something more, but it's not a matter of urgency or sexual energy. For someone who is demisexual, a relationship would have to be built upon a foundation of emotional support in order to feel attracted or be aroused, and the emotional bond must be consistent if attraction is to be consistent. All of this is NOT associated with my divorce, in fact, I'm willing to bet most demisexual people are married, or at least have tried to be at some point. I've been single for 15 years and I don't regret it, but now I know how to explain what my needs are and how my body works if I ever consider dating, as well as know what kind of man I should allow into my world.

I'm an artist, therefore I made a gray scale. 🙂 

Am I putting myself in the LGBT category? No. I don't belong there.

I am a heterosexual CIS female, and I know enough about the LGBT community to know they don't like it when straight people try to force themselves into that space.

I may fall into a slightly gray area on the scale in regards to my level of involuntary sexual response, but my orientation is straight so the initials LGBT do not apply to me. I am an ally.

I feel that all of this is merely a side note. My body may not respond to visual or other sensory cues like someone else's body, but it can respond under the right conditions, and I would consider loving the right person if he came along. He must bring genuine friendship, respect, and feelings to the table if he expects intimacy. Otherwise, it's a matter no different than any other romantic pursuit. Some people are attractive. Some aren't. Some relationships work. Some don't. There are no guarantees no matter who you are.

In conclusion, it's not that complicated. 🙂

Well, relationships in general are complicated. But this sex stuff is the least of it, in my opinion. If a man considers sexual activity the most important thing, has a closed mind in regards to how it should go down, thinks men and women can't be true friends, and believes emotions are a problem, he has no business bothering me to begin with. There are real issues to be concerned about. My health is an absolute wreck. This country is in peril. There is a lot of suffering in the world. If we have to worry about something, let's worry about that. Sex is a non-issue when you have patience, a good heart, and an open mind.

(Says the woman who hasn't been with a man since 2003.)

Anyway, it turns out being validated is nice even when you don't need it. I'm glad I ran across the information, and I hope others have learned something too.

Thanks for being here.

2018 Project for Awesome

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/project-for-awesome-2018?#/

Some of my favorite people are hosting another annual Project for Awesome!

Organizations who will benefit include Save The Children and Partners In Health.

The funding page (linked under the photo) has launched, and the live stream begins tomorrow.

Goooooooo!

Oh dear, I think they've figured me out.

Want to help 100 kids for 19 bucks?

Seeing as my own father barely survived Polio in infancy, this is a pretty significant thing for me personally. I'm really glad I saw it on Twitter.

https://www.market.unicefusa.org/inspired-gifts/polio-vaccines-to-protect-100-children/S359190/

What a small sacrifice to potentially save 100 lives. We can thank Jonas Salk for choosing not to patent the vaccine, making it affordable and accessible. We owe it to him that Poliomyelitis is nearing worldwide eradication today. Let's keep it going.

Almost 1500 Questions Answered

AskFM is a crazy site, but I enjoy it most of the time. It has been a nice distraction, and I've received far more questions than I ever thought I would. Disclaimer: they allow users to ask themselves questions, but I have NEVER done that. That's too weird even for me.

Many of the questions I receive are anonymous, which is fine. I answer most of them. Here are a few that I think are worth sharing:

What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152165444719

What movies inspire you?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152259803503

What can you promise to your friends?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152680628847

What is your ideal girlfriend/boyfriend? In general, what are your preferences?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152691877743

What makes you different from others?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152774284143

This one is worth sharing for a different reason. Do us both a favor and never do this to me again:
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152877107823
I would like to think they meant well, which is why I didn't rip them apart, but their statement was ableist and lacked empathy. Not only did they say my suffering could be my own fault for not living the right religion, when I explained why I was rejecting their statement, they unfriended me and left like a coward. That proves they had no intention of actually being a friend; they only saw an opportunity to be self-righteous, and took it at my expense.

I grew up in a realm of obsessive charismatic Christianity that accused, blamed, neglected, and abused me for being chronically ill. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with it, and it has taken me a long time to stand up for myself and remove those people from my life. I am not about to allow it back in. I don't think too highly of myself, but I do believe I deserve better than that. Thanks in advance for respecting my boundaries.

This one made me laugh: The entire world stands still for one day, but not you. What do you do?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152991738223
If the world suddenly stood still, we would be flung into space. There's your science lesson of the day. LOL

Such a cool question; I enjoyed this one:
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152994437743

What are some things in life (can include your future wants/needs) that you will not compromise on and why?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/153035259503


Thanks for the questions!
Ask me anything, but keep it appropriate. I block creeps and trolls.

Thanksgiving Foodness

Kitchen Owl guards the turkey. :-)

It was the first time I've tackled a turkey since I was a clueless 22-year-old. It was so good.
Thank you, Penzey's Spices, for the Bavarian seasoning and the wonderful Bay Leaves.

Testing the mashed potatoes like a good chef. ;-)

My vegetable of choice: green beans cooked to absolute death, so I could safely digest them.

The garlic herb bread rose all day. I was about to put it in the oven here. It turned out incredible.

When I cook a bird, I use the whole thing.
After carving, all non-meat parts go into the slow cooker to make stock!
I let it cool overnight, then turned right around and used it to make soup.
This is one of the few times I like leftovers!

Turkey Ramen!

There are a couple of videos on Instagram in addition to these pictures. I didn't sleep for over 24 hours, and I really struggled, but I survived. I'm relieved that everything turned out so well.

I'm currently watching the Iron Bowl (Roll Tide) and eating soup. I hope everyone in the States had a nice holiday, and happy weekend to everyone else.

Talk to you soon.

Systemic Disease, Depression, and Holiday Plans

My Amazon wish list is pretty boring this year. I honestly just need (really, really, really need) a dishwasher. My chronic pain level makes me want to die sometimes, and, I admit, far more often lately than usual. I'm trying to find any way that I can to make my life a little easier. I'm setting up a Jet.com (edit: make that Target.com instead) account soon to start ordering basic needs from them (toilet paper, etc). Since flu season is upon us, I'll have to start staying home more often, which means preparing meals daily. I've started ordering from Schwan's Home Service again, so I have food in the freezer on days I am able to eat solid food. I have soup broths in the pantry and protein drinks in the fridge for days when I'm stuck on liquids.

Ironically, I'm in charge of most of Thanksgiving luncheon this year. Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, and homemade bread are what I've committed to. My sister in law is making dressing and buying desserts and drinks. I've recruited my stepfather to come over that morning to transport the turkey for me since I am unlikely to be able to carry it myself. Hopefully everything will turn out fine, and maybe I'll be able to eat.

I've lost 23 pounds this year due to digestive paralysis, but never fear, I'm still as plump as the turkey currently residing in my freezer. I have another 20 pounds to go before weight becomes a noticeable issue, and I'm optimistic that I'll never truly become underweight. Frozen coffee is making sure of that.

As for my turmoil, I reached out to a few friends in Mississippi to let them know how I was feeling. We had dinner and talked. It was nice, and I appreciate that they listened. I am a tremendous introvert, but I'm learning to recognize when it's time to interact. Finding the right people in which to do that is usually the main issue, other than my physical limitations (I'm not always able to sit up and drive, for example). I hate living rural, and I feel like I would have more options for making friends if I was at least in the nearest city. It's complicated, but I'm trying.

I'll start counseling early next year, if I can. It depends solely on my available funds. Existing on minimal social security disability is very challenging. I recommend avoiding it as long as reasonably possible. I didn't have a choice. It was life or death for me.

I'm closing in on the NaNoWriMo finish line, and will reach the goal by Thanksgiving as long as I don't stop writing. Talk to you soon. xo

A Grumpy November Update

NaNoWriMo was a mistake. I've been writing about my life, and it couldn't be more dreadful. I hate everything. I want to end NaNo now (wanted to by the 8th, truth be told), but I'm going to push through to the end. Some of the content is worth keeping. Some of it sucks. Either way, I'm bored out of my mind, and often depressed. Blogging usually helps, but lately, I don't even want to do that.

Exhaustion and chronic pain are the underlying issue, I realize. It brings me to tears lately, and I'm not usually a crier where that is concerned. I also went to the doc last week, and I'm so frustrated with their negligence I want to throw all of my medication in the trash and say to hell with staying alive. I know I need to stop letting them get to me that badly, but I'm forced to rely on people who are unreachable and unconcerned with the fact that my condition declines every time they ignore and/or screw up my medication paperwork. I end up temporarily losing an expensive medication from my regimen because insurance denies coverage, and I have to wait a week or two or five for it to be corrected. So I'm on a med, then off of it, then on it again, then off of it again, etc. every few months. It's not safe, but I'm made to feel bad for getting mad and making them address it because they're busy. I know that, and I've never once implied that I'm their only patient. I just need people to get this right because they are directly affecting my muscle strength. The alternative is to stop the medication altogether and suffer. That's obviously the wrong answer.

But I don't have the right answer, either. And I'm so freaking tired of this.

I am physically stronger on the medication, but the frequent stress on my body and mind over consistently obtaining it is making me wish all of this would be over. I'm as calm as always on the outside, but internally, I'm not coping. I think about dying too much; both wanting and not wanting to do it.

I watched more footage of the HKPP conference in Dublin, and couldn't wrap my brain around all of the new info. My cognition isn't in the best shape. I am no good at this, or to anyone anymore. I would probably benefit from a companion to help me sort out things sometimes, but who would want to deal with all of this, or with me at all? I don't even want to deal with me, and it angers and upsets me that I feel like wanting anybody to do anything for me. I'm a mess.

There is not enough sleep on this planet, but I'm going to try to achieve some. I've reached out to some friends in Mississippi, and I'm going to drive over there for a get-together tomorrow night. May it be a remedy for my dying sanity, or at least a band-aid. I'll take anything.

A couple of links to help folks affected by the California wildfires

I could research for days and not do any better than NYT did on this list. Check it out.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/11/reader-center/california-fires-how-to-help.html

Sean Astin is also raising funds, and giving some of his own. He's a trustworthy source and will make sure money does directly into the hands of people in his region who've been affected. He and his family evacuated, but thankfully did not lose their home.

https://www.gofundme.com/woolsey-fire-support

As I'm sure you're aware, there have been so many losses. This is the largest wildfire disaster in California history. I've lost a great deal in hurricanes, but I can't imagine a fire loss. It is one of my worst nightmares, and it breaks my heart to see what's happening.

Let's help people if we can.

Wordless Wednesday 11/14/18

Excelsior

You were the best of humans, Stan Lee.

Thanks for all you did for young people all over the world.

Your long, successful life was well-deserved.

Rest in peace.

1922-2018

I want to talk about someone who died ten years ago.

http://blog.al.com/live/2008/12/dentists_no_need_to_fear.html

My stepfather's biological son, Ryan, age 29 and a single father, had a toothache that he was too scared to address. He had a fear of needles and refused to go to the dentist, even when his tooth was noticeably infected and his relatives begged him to deal with it. He came home from work one day with a swollen jaw, said he couldn't hear out of his ear, and went to the bathroom. He didn't come out. The infection had reached his brain, and he was diagnosed with a massive stroke. A week later, he was removed from life support, and his 5 year old son was orphaned.

I am telling you this to bring awareness that these things really happen, and they happen more often than you think. I don't like going to the dentist either, or any other physician for that matter, but listen: you have to take care of the damn holes in your head. They can kill you, and don't think for a second that it can't happen to you, because my 29 year old stepbrother certainly didn't think he would die a horrible death and leave his child parentless. Ryan's death was a front page headline, and dentists in the area made a plea to the public to let them help. There are ways to deal with this kind of situation, including sedation with prescription drugs, which could have allowed Ryan to get the care he needed. If he had been willing to talk to a dentist about his fear, he'd still be here. Bottom line.

It has been a little while since I've made this public service announcement, but I assure you I had not forgotten. Seeing him unresponsive, connected to tubes, with a hose coming out of his brain and a horrifying intracranial pressure of 84 is something I will never be able to erase from my memory.

If you have an infection, please take it seriously. I know the dentist is expensive, but many of them accept monthly payments, especially for potentially harmful scenarios like this. Beg, borrow, whatever you have to do to get the money. Cry on the dentist's doorstep. The worst they'll say is no, and there are others out there who will say yes. Communicate, or find someone who will speak on your behalf. Just go, please.

Thanks for reading.

My giant face voted. Yours should too.

My 6th NaNoWriMo, and why I'm not working on my children's novel

It's that time again.

I didn't know if I would participate this year. I seriously considered skipping it, but I joined a couple of forums, started talking to others on Twitter, and signed up. I'm a NaNo Rebel, as I often am, which means I'm working on something other than a brand new fiction novel. If you're new here, I have a rough first draft called The Children of Mossy Hollow, and I absolutely intend to complete it and self-publish. It's a mess, though, and needs a lot of revision. I will eventually focus on doing that.

Why not revise during NaNo since I'm a rebel anyway? I could, but my stress level and emotions are heightened at the moment by what has happened and continues to happen on our southern border. My book is based on a true event that occurred in my own family tree involving children who were separated from their parents and each other and adopted out into various questionable situations. It's an emotionally-charged story on its own, and I've shed plenty of tears over these kids. But needless to say, it's even more painful to think about now. It's on the back burner for the sake of my health.

I am working on other projects, including a memoir and my family history. Nothing will be published here, but when I have comprehensive text concerning my genealogy, it will be over on that blog.

Talk to you later - NaNoWriMo awaits. (Send caffeine!)