A 2019 Review and Cautious Welcome to 2020

Every year, I assess myself on NYE to see what I accomplished throughout the year. I plan to do that now, even though this particular year was quite different, and not really in a good way. My personal challenges, I realize, were reflected in the sporadic, unruly condition of my blog. I do hope to improve upon this in 2020 and get back to writing more consistent content worth reading. This will be one of my goals, of a few that I will set for myself in the coming year.

Last year's post is here. The goals were as follows:

1. Relearn basic conversational (Canadian) French

2. Relearn Chess and attempt to start a local group

3. Spend less idle time on my social media accounts

4. Pursue therapy, coping, and pain/stress management

5. Reopen art and craft sales strictly for charitable purposes

6. Catch up on all things Periodic Paralysis and update the blog

7. Work on my family tree, updating my blog and Ancestry account

My review:

1. I tried and didn't get very far for several reasons. I am not going to give up, but I want to go ahead and try Spanish. I will pursue this in 2020.

2. I relearned Chess. I would consider myself an average player, but I would like to get better. I tried to join a local group, but one library said their group wasn't for adults, and the other library never responded to my request. It was frustrating. I will play at home until I find somewhere else.

3. I did do this, although Twitter may disagree. Tweeting is too easy, perhaps. But I did spend less time on social media. I know this because my time was spent reading and playing Pokemon GO instead. I got out a lot more, mostly visiting city parks or libraries.

4. This was a big one. I started therapy in February. I learned a lot about myself just by running my mouth. I appreciate my counselor, who listens quietly and doesn't judge me. I intend to return in 2020 in hopes to unload more of my trauma and attempt to deal with it. She has done an excellent job of listening calmly while I talk things out on my own, but I want her to start talking more and offering advice, and I will ask her to do that at our next appointment. I also became a founding member of an online group that focuses on understanding and healing trauma. This is something I must do if I want to be a better, safer, more grounded person. I have learned so much already.

5. I opened an eBay Charity Store. They are only letting me upload a few items for now. Eventually, I'll be allowed to add other things, including crafts and original artwork. Stay tuned.

6. I didn't. I stayed as far away as I could. My mental health couldn't deal with it.

7. I worked on a little bit of genealogy, but I did not publish it. This was a pretty big fail, in my opinion. I will redeem myself in 2020 if I feel up to it.

I'm hard on myself sometimes, but I'm trying not to fret over much of this. The foreign language thing really gets to me if I think about it long enough. It's ridiculous that I know so little about other languages, and I resent living in a place that didn't make such education a priority early in life. There's absolutely no excuse in adulthood, however. I could have, and I didn't. That's on me. I want to change it. I'm less flustered about the other stuff I missed the mark on. I can do better, if I want to. The word of the year will be "discipline". That sounds a bit scary, but I know it's what I need.

I'm not sure what else to say about 2019. I feel like I summed it up already in a previous blog post that I published in September. There's nothing else to add, to be honest.

2020 will be better. I honestly can't believe it's here, although it feels anticlimactic. As a friend on Twitter said:

Thanks @graphickat.

I am setting a few goals for myself in 2020. Most readers are already aware of what they are.

1. Weight loss

2. Read more books

3. PTSD and trauma recovery

4. Continue pursuing foreign language

5. Improve and consistently maintain my blogs

6. Strive to be a better friend, and consider a companion

7. Last, but not least...

Less Brain. More Heart.

I'll try not to spend all of my time in the new year fussing on Twitter or playing Pokemon, although the latter is tempting. My nieces gave me a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, haha.

I wish my dear readers the best in 2020.
May you have joy, love, and a life worth living.

March update, and a little bit of February too.

Books read:

Complementary Approaches To Pain by NIH and NCCIH (quick summaries of alternative techniques such as acupuncture...not terribly useful in my opinion)

Women In Sports by Rachel Ignotofsky (good)

Women In Science by Rachel Ignotofsky (highly recommend)

The Gingerbread Girl by Stephen King (bad, lazy, not King quality, possibly ghost-written or either written on a day he was really bored)

Love Poems by Pablo Neruda (nice enough, a bit sexual at times, very Song of Solomon)

Books in Progress:

Stillllll working on Anam Cara. It's spiritually heavy, and it's going to take a while to get through. It's pretty, I will say that.

I started Learn French with Paul Noble. I seem to understand it well while I'm listening to it and speaking along, but I don't believe I would understand more than a few words if I visited France, or even the hometown of my 8x Great Grandfather in Quebec (that would be Montreal, yes, he was a founder and trustee). My brain is mush, but I'll continue studying to see if I can improve.

I have Beauty For Ashes by Joyce Myers in my possession, but I haven't made it through a chapter yet. I do intend to read it. If I can find it in eBook or audio form, I'm more likely to do this sooner (vision-impaired). For now, my local coffee shop let me borrow the hard copy.

Someone very kindly sent me three audiobooks on Amazon as a gift today. I will be reading all three as soon as possible, and will elaborate when I do.

Art Stuff:

Credit:
https://twitter.com/twitrartexhibit/status/1105397743634313217

The folks at Twitter Art Exhibit received my postcard (top middle) in Scotland! I was excited to see it among the others. The reception is in May, and I'll give more info when I know it.

I have other projects I want to work on, but I have been too weak and tired to do so. I'll update my art blog with work whenever I'm able to crank it out.

I'm done with the Bob Ross company. I haven't been able to teach since my disability, but I don't like seeing how they're handling business these days. It appears that instructors are being thrown under the bus, so to speak, and a lot of them are quite unhappy with the changes. Rightfully so. Instructors have invested thousands of dollars and an incredible amount of time into doing what they do, and they make the company a lot of money. Good luck to them all. I'm sad to be disabled, but I'm glad I'm not a part of this new drama. No thanks.

I still get questions and comments and get asked for favors sometimes. I no longer teach art, and I do not do commissions. I want people to stop asking or expecting this of me. I feel the need to throw that out there, because I'm not kidding. Find somebody else, preferably someone with consistent motor skills and the ability to follow a schedule. Seriously. I'm done.

Food:

I'm super frustrated with my multiple diets and their associated conditions. I will talk about it all in a separate post.

Misc:

I went to therapy and Internal Medicine. I'll have to make my visit with Dr. B a separate post. It was more eventful than expected. Coming up: the eye doctor who I have not seen in three years (he's great), and nephrology (he's great too).

My birthday is in 10 days, and I have zero plans. I do hope to raise $100 for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, though. Feel free to check out my Facebook on how to help, if you're on there. You don't have to be my friend. It's public. :)

I'll ramble on about social media at a later date. I'm weary.

Systemic disease is a beast. It's not even 7 P.M. but I'm curled up in bed. That's become my normal again. Hopefully better days are ahead. Good night.

The usual end-of-the-year overthinking: a goal review, new goals, and other thoughts

We are finally at the end of this crazy year. I, for one, am hoping to reset my mind and heart to embrace a new start. But first, it's time to review my 2018 goals to see how I fared.

1. Stick to the diet most ideal for my systemic disease.

Gastroparesis threw off my diet in the worst way. I had to switch from high protein and fat (muscular dystrophy diet) to a liquid and soft food diet that involved the least possible amount of fiber. I am still having to medicate, which produces harsh side effects, and every day is a challenge, but I am attempting to resume a solid diet. I have to fast fairly often, and I still stay far away from fiber in most cases. I'm taking things one day at a time.

2. Read more and write more, with frequent updates.

Wow, did I ever. I have read many more books this year than I have in years past. Hoopla and Overdrive have been a gift. My Goodreads tells me my count for 2018 is 62 books, but I did abandon 6 or 8, so I am somewhere in the 50s. I plan to continue this pace in 2019.

3. Study minimalism and document my ongoing effort.

I certainly did. I read several books and articles, I'm following minimalists on social media to stay motivated, and I've documented my progress here on the blog and on Facebook. My kitchen, dining room, and living room are fully decluttered. My problem areas are my bedroom closets and drawers. My storage room (the second bedroom) is just that - storage - but I still tidy it up sometimes to make sure things don't get too out of hand. I'll deal with the remainder of my apartment early in 2019, in fact, I'll be cleaning out my closet very soon.

4. Sort all paperwork for storing or shredding.

I did this, but oddly enough, I didn't find the big box of paperwork that I thought I still had lying around. All I can figure is that I already dealt with it at some point and I just don't remember doing so. The way my brain is these days, this is not too surprising.

5. Spend less idle time on the cray-cray interwebs.

Observers may disagree, but I did spend less time online. I was reading, listening to audio books and lectures, and sorting the apartment. So I know for a fact that I spent less time sitting on the internet. I've noticed that my Facebook has especially been quieter, as I use to post many times a day, and now I post around once or twice, if that. So progress! As for my Twitter: no comment. *runs away*

6. Either utilize art supplies, or get rid of them (yikes).

I let go of a whopping 27 stretched canvases from my teaching days, but I did use some of my supplies for a few projects. As always, I have more projects planned, and I'll share about them soon. I'm also still following that free online drawing course I've been talking about, and will be doing so for quite a while, as it is equivalent to a year of college. Thankfully I can lie on the couch and watch the professor draw, and work on my own drawings at my own pace as my condition allows. That is way different from going to college, which nearly killed me. People don't understand how much labor is involved in an art studio unless they subject themselves to it. It's hard. As my former instructor used to say, "if it was easy, everybody would be doing it".

7. Find effective methods for managing stress episodes.

This has been another challenging year. I'm on a low dose of medication now in an attempt to reduce my anxiety. I downloaded the Calm app on my phone. I attended a drum circle (something I failed to mention here). I'm currently looking for a counselor to discuss PTSD, and I have a couple of workbooks. I know I have issues, and I've held them in too long. I decided to start talking about it and reaching out to a few specific people who I felt were safe enough to tell how I was feeling without being misjudged. I knew I had to, because I had reached the point of implosion, and my mind was spiraling into thoughts of death. I won't let a single person shame me for it. I don't know anyone who could successfully live in this much pain with no relief for as long as I have and keep their cool. When I met with psychiatrists in 2014, that is exactly what they said also. I'm trying to learn to accept my brokenness so I can move forward in pursuing whatever wellness I can find.

If I'm not mistaken, this is the most successful list of annual goals I've ever tried to tackle.

I do have some new goals. Here they are in no particular order of importance:

1. Relearn basic conversational (Canadian) French

2. Relearn Chess and attempt to start a local group

3. Spend less idle time on my social media accounts

4. Pursue therapy, coping, and pain/stress management

5. Reopen art and craft sales strictly for charitable purposes

6. Catch up on all things Periodic Paralysis and update the blog
7. Work on my family tree, updating my blog and Ancestry account

That's about all I can handle. If French goes well, I would like to switch to Spanish.

Someone asked me how I've changed over the past year. My response and additional thoughts:

- I am slightly more educated. Even though I have trouble retaining information these days due to sleep deprivation and brain fog, I try to never stop learning.

- I've talked myself into pursuing various forms of therapy. If you must know the TMI: PTSD/anxiety cognitive therapy, pelvic floor therapy to deal with bladder and other pelvic issues, and eventually sex therapy if I find myself comfortable enough to benefit from it someday (today is not that day, thank you).

- I've opened my mind to the possibility of companionship. I'm not overly-excited, but I changed from a resounding "hell no" for the last fifteen years to a "well, maybe I'll think about it" after my 40th birthday. I don't know why turning forty did that to me. Frankly, I have no expectations. I have no intention of actively pursuing a romantic relationship, and it's probably not going to happen either way. I'm independent-minded. I can't allow anything but total respect for who I am and utmost patience with my limited abilities. I exist in chronic pain. And, I believe I'm too intense for most men to begin with.

I think I'm decent friend material in spite of my rocky life, so at least I've got that going for me. I know my tribe is out there somewhere. *waves hello* Have I mentioned how much I like living by myself? By all means, come over for dinner! Then go home. :-P

I've been on both Blogger and Facebook for ten years now. It's hard to believe either one has lasted this long, but here they are still occupying space in my head. That's not a complaint. I am lucky to have people all over the world reading my mess, and some of them genuinely care. I'm grateful to you for choosing to be a part of my turbulent world.

May I meet the new year with bravery and hope in my heart.

Have a safe and blessed 2019, friends.