Hi. This post is going to be a bit different, and very personal, and very long, but I do hope you'll hang in there to the end if you want to learn more about me, and perhaps others.
One of my good friends announced that she was asexual about 12 years ago. I wanted to learn more about it, so I joined her support group, AVEN, to ask questions. My last relationship had ended in 2003, and I had no desire at all to attempt any further romantic relationships. After speaking with her network, we all agreed that I was hetero-non-sexual, meaning straight and abstinent. I have remained so to this day.
I have a TON of reasons why I'm abstinent, none of which I will be getting into here. That's a choice I've made that I am allowed to change anytime I choose.
Sexuality is not a choice. It's the body's physiological response to sensory cues (visual, touch, smell, etc). That response produces feelings in the mind and physical body. When a sexual person sees, hears, feels, etc. someone that they find attractive, whether they know them or not, they feel things in their body and mind. That's a normal, involuntary response for the average sexual person.
I already knew I wasn't one of those people. When all of my 6th grade female classmates were crazy over NKOTB, my 25 year old coworkers were going on about Matthew McConaughey, concert buddies were swooning over nearly-naked Adam Levine, and my friends in their 30s and 40s were having parties to watch Magic Mike and Fifty Shades, I deadpanned every time. I had no interest whatsoever. I've always felt that this world is far too sexual and one of several reasons I don't belong in it. I still feel that way, but over the past week, I've educated myself and gained some understanding.
I ran across an article by accident the other day. It turns out that it has been decided (by scientists who study these things for a living) that there is a mid-range between asexual and sexual called demisexual. The term has existed since 2008, but I had never heard of it. This site explains it well. (It's a short summary. Please consider reading.) I can say for sure that I am hetero, but based on this and other websites, many demisexual traits strongly apply to me as well.
I wrote a private blog recently, and I've decided to go ahead and share it here:
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I'm definitely hetero. I do know that much. But I thought emotional attachment was just a normal part of this. Not truly caring about someone you have sex with has always seemed like some cold-hearted bullshit in my mind. I was raised on hellfire and brimstone, "foosball's the devil" style. It wasn't my default mindset, but it was pounded into me by my mother and church people, and it has taken a long time to rid myself of their paranoia, blame, fear, and loathing. Now that those people are removed, and I've gained some real knowledge and have total freedom to think and live for myself, I've made great strides to change the way I understand and interact with others. (So don't feel attacked, readers, because I'm not attacking other sexual orientations. I have friends all across the sexual spectrum now. I'm only explaining myself.)
#15 is not me for sure (dislike erotica/porn), but I can relate to many of the other facts in the article. I've said since my early teens that I'm not a sexual person. Also not asexual, and AVEN agrees. Hate the term "friendzoned" because you should be their friend first and foremost. Always thought of most people as too sexual. I have never considered that requiring an emotional connection with someone to feel sexually attracted to them as anything other than the correct way to operate, which is why I don't understand much of the population, and one of several reasons why I don't believe I belong here and frequently view the world as dismal and dangerous. I would honestly be horrified to be as sexual as some people I've encountered. They'll have sex with anyone, including people they can't stand, and I want to scream "What the hell is wrong with you?!" And now, the world is telling me that this is "normal" sexuality and mine is not? I admit I'm on the fence about that.
Maybe I'll bring this up to a counselor, but it's certainly not a problem to be solved. I'm so glad I don't want sex with people I don't love, and I don't envy those who do. The very thought baffles me/terrifies me/grosses me out. If that puts me in a gray area, I guess I'll accept that. It sounds ridiculous for it to not be the norm, though. Anything else doesn't make sense to me.
That's how all people feel, right? Whatever sexuality they are, they can't imagine being anything else because it feels right.
Huh."
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Now that said, I'm no longer on the fence about it. Things that I questioned:
- my religious upbringing/sense of morality
- my serious medical conditions and chronic pain
- the psychological and sexual trauma I've experienced
But this article that I shared in the beginning answered those questions. The paragraph that drove it home for me was:
"Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction regardless of whether or not they have a close emotional bond with someone. They may have sexual feelings for attractive people on the street, classmates or coworkers they’ve barely spoken to, or celebrities. However, they may choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons: it might not be feasible or appropriate, they want to make sure the person is respectful and kind, it’s against their religious beliefs, they only want to have sex in a romantic relationship, etc. The difference is that demisexuals don’t start out with these sexual feelings at all."
Correct. I don't have those feelings at all. And much of what I've read so far is me without any hesitation whatsoever.
When I first talked to AVEN, the term demisexual didn't exist. They felt that I was hetero but abstinent, which I am. It's a no-brainer. It not only doesn't bother me to be abstinent, it doesn't make sense to me not to be, because I'm not in love.
When I meet someone that I feel compelled to analyze, sexy isn't the first word that comes to mind, but that doesn't mean I don't find certain men sexy. Is he a jerk? Then no, he's not sexy. Is he kind and respectful? He might be sexy, because his emotional quotient (E.Q.) and associated behavior determine how I respond to him. Of course, other character traits matter too; I certainly don't want to throw myself at any man who is emotional or nice. I have standards like everybody else. Strict ones, in fact, for the sake of my health and safety. However, I do have "crushes" sometimes, for lack of a better word, and I've absolutely experienced the agony of a broken heart. I must make clear that I don't lack feelings. It's simply that sexual attraction has a prerequisite of deep emotional connection.
None of this should be a concern to anyone. When I talked about it on Facebook, a friend asked me if this makes me feel heard or feel safer. I feel a combination of different and relieved, but I've always known I was different sexually, I just didn't know it had a name. I guess overall it helps that it has a name, and it is a relief to finally be properly acknowledged. I think acquaintances should definitely feel at ease knowing this about me, but I don't necessarily feel safer myself. I'm pretty horrified that sexual urges/responses to others at random (as the article says, people on the street, coworkers, etc) applies to the majority. I don't mean they feel that way about me (don't flatter myself, ha...I wouldn't do that) but I'm glad I am not like that because it sounds frustrating and scary. It explains a lot about the world, however, and I'll have to work on accepting that. So I still have mixed feelings about who I am being considered a deviation from the norm, but this is without question where I am on a sexual scale. I find that sexual content (jokes, movies, TV, internet) makes me uncomfortable in a grossed-out way, and now I understand why (no emotional connection). And even though I can laugh at someone's statements or think strangers are handsome or gorgeous or whatever, it's not a sexual urge. I don't feel anything physical for them, I just think they're funny or have a nice face or something, and in my heart I hope they are good people. I might want to get to know them better, and getting to know them better may very well lead to something more, but it's not a matter of urgency or sexual energy. For someone who is demisexual, a relationship would have to be built upon a foundation of emotional support in order to feel attracted or be aroused, and the emotional bond must be consistent if attraction is to be consistent. All of this is NOT associated with my divorce, in fact, I'm willing to bet most demisexual people are married, or at least have tried to be at some point. I've been single for 15 years and I don't regret it, but now I know how to explain what my needs are and how my body works if I ever consider dating, as well as know what kind of man I should allow into my world.
I'm an artist, therefore I made a gray scale. 🙂
Am I putting myself in the LGBT category? No. I don't belong there.
I am a heterosexual CIS female, and I know enough about the LGBT community to know they don't like it when straight people try to force themselves into that space.
I may fall into a slightly gray area on the scale in regards to my level of involuntary sexual response, but my orientation is straight so the initials LGBT do not apply to me. I am an ally.
I feel that all of this is merely a side note. My body may not respond to visual or other sensory cues like someone else's body, but it can respond under the right conditions, and I would consider loving the right person if he came along. He must bring genuine friendship, respect, and feelings to the table if he expects intimacy. Otherwise, it's a matter no different than any other romantic pursuit. Some people are attractive. Some aren't. Some relationships work. Some don't. There are no guarantees no matter who you are.
In conclusion, it's not that complicated. 🙂
Well, relationships in general are complicated. But this sex stuff is the least of it, in my opinion. If a man considers sexual activity the most important thing, has a closed mind in regards to how it should go down, thinks men and women can't be true friends, and believes emotions are a problem, he has no business bothering me to begin with. There are real issues to be concerned about. My health is an absolute wreck. This country is in peril. There is a lot of suffering in the world. If we have to worry about something, let's worry about that. Sex is a non-issue when you have patience, a good heart, and an open mind.
(Says the woman who hasn't been with a man since 2003.)
Anyway, it turns out being validated is nice even when you don't need it. I'm glad I ran across the information, and I hope others have learned something too.
Thanks for being here.
