I have some sort of update.

I spoke with social security yesterday about end of life arrangements. What is allowed is a burial plot, up to $1500 in life insurance, and up to $1500 in a funeral trust savings. I called my family cemetery for the price of a plot, which also happened to be $1500. I will have to find a life insurance company that allows such a small policy. Otherwise, I'm looking at $3000 that I am allowed to raise for this purpose.

The reason I am doing this is because I have no parents or children, and my siblings are not financially capable of burying me. It is important to me that I achieve some kind of dignity in death, and I have been worried about how to help my next of kin do this when neither of us have any money. So I talked with social security, and this is the allowance they gave to me in writing.

When I figure out how to set up the right kind of fundraiser, I will post it here.

I am hoping and praying that I will not incur any legal expenses, but a close relative has put me in a catastrophic situation that I am having to address with his attorney and mine. Some of you already know what's been done to me, and I appreciate your input. I need your best vibes...send some sanity my way, please. This is a nightmare, especially on top of serious illness and everything else I'm already dealing with.

Thank you always for caring about me.

Happy Sunday

The weather has triggered every muscle in my body. I’m in severe pain in places I didn’t remember having. I did make it to the store to pick up a small lunch, but the rest of the day will be spent curled up on the couch with tea and ibuprofen.

A young lady told me Happy Mother’s Day earlier. I smiled and said “Thank you very much!” with as much enthusiasm as I could push out. My policy is that there’s no good reason to get defensive when someone is being kind. She didn’t harm me. It’s no different than saying Merry Christmas or Happy Halloween or any other holiday to someone who doesn’t celebrate it. I feel that the best thing to do is be considerate, say thank you, and move on. So that’s what I do.

My life is very different from what I planned. I’m sure nobody plans to be chronically ill and disabled. Even though I grew up wanting to be a parent, and I cared for a lot of great kids in my younger years, it’s honestly a relief that I didn’t pass down my DNA. I’m glad for those who happily chose to take that journey, and they have my love and well wishes, but I envy no one. That doesn’t mean I accept my circumstances, but that I endure them to the best of my ability in both body and mind. It’s the only thing I can do, so I will try to do it right.

Good day to all.

2019 Twitter Art Exhibit

I'm always honored to be a part of Twitter Art Exhibit. This year, my postcard is in Edinburgh, Scotland to benefit Art In Healthcare. The reception was live on Periscope, so I was able to see the ribbon cutting from my bed, which was great. I hope my postcard sells.

Art Lately

In spite of the severe pain I've been struggling with, I've tried to keep myself distracted by working on some art projects. It hasn't been easy. A few of them were challenging, and being on my feet even for those few minutes had me audibly aching, nauseated, and in tears at times. This along with muscle weakness is the reason I can't do this but every once in a while. People don't realize how much physical labor goes into these things, and it's impossible for someone like me to operate my muscles on a set schedule.

At any rate, my new acrylic abstracts are as follows:

I've learned acrylic pouring, and I'm loving the effects caused by various mediums I use, especially alcohol. Some artists use vodka, but I don't drink, so I keep it cheap and simple with rubbing alcohol, which produces the same results.

All of those should be clickable for larger viewing, but please don't download. (Side note: I can see downloads, including your IP address. I do track that.)

I appreciate all of the nice comments I've received about my work. I can't do much anymore, but I'm slowly using up all of the supplies I accumulated back in the day when I was able to be more active. I'll try to do more later this year.

Time To Become Less Public

Hi readers,

I wrote this for April 1st, but realized that is April Fool's Day, so I am publishing it earlier. That way, you know I'm not kidding around.

I'm fed up with the news about our current administration going after disabled people who have an online presence. Apparently, selfies are forbidden, and people with legit disabilities can't be seen in public, smiling, or displaying any kind of normalcy whatsoever. As he has since the beginning of his campaign, Trump is using Hitler's playbook to target people he is prejudiced against.

Until things change for the smarter, this blog and all social media will be on lockdown with the exception of certain days which I will decide on at a later date. If you are not subscribed to posts here or elsewhere, feel free to do that. Follow on Twitter or send a friend request on Instagram if you wish, but I will be on lockdown there also. If you're already on the list, you'll still see my posts there. As for ugottafriend.com, you will be redirected to a gateway page to my medical blog, where people will, if they choose, be subjected to all of the ugly details of my life with debilitating systemic disease. This change will happen next week.

The point is that I am legitimately disabled, but I'm not going to risk dying or something worse because a complete stranger in D.C. decides I'm less of a person than they are and wants to punish me for their terrible perspective. These people who are currently in power are stupid, and that's not my problem, and I'm not going to let them make it my problem.

If I lose all of my readers, so be it. I've had to start over and redefine myself so many times, I'm desensitized to the notion at this point. Nothing matters anymore. My friends will reach out when they want to, and I'll probably be there.

The medical blog will remain open in stone-hard ugly detail. I hope all of the geniuses who love to hate disabled people enjoy my posts about blood tests, bodily fluids, and bowel movements. Kiss my crippled ass.

I didn't ask for this life. I don't deserve prejudice.

References:
1. https://talkpoverty.org/2019/03/28/trump-selfies-dangerous-disabled-people/
2. https://www.engadget.com/2019/03/11/trump-administration-may-monitor-social-media-to-catch-disabilit/
3. https://medium.com/s/story/the-trump-administration-wants-to-snoop-on-disabled-americans-f2fcaae78ad3
4. https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/10/us/politics/social-security-disability-trump-facebook.html
5. https://fibro-larious.tumblr.com/post/156386537322/fibro-larious-the-physician-who-was-hired-to

The remainder of March in pictures

Rare day in contact lenses

I like to try new sodas if I run across them.
I think this one was at Publix Supermarket.

I bought a granny gown! It's comfy.
(I was originally looking for a bathrobe.)

I attended a book sale to benefit the library.
Five bucks for the whole lot! I love a good deal.

I hosted St. Patrick's Day festivities at my apartment.
My brother, sis in law, and her mother joined me for dinner.
Unfortunately, I forgot to take photos of the dinner, ha!
But here's the bread. AHHHH THE BREAD!

Here's a closeup. :-)

My stepdad took me to lunch on my birthday.
Everything on this plate is diet-forbidden except the mushrooms.
I was bad. So, so bad.

So, so, so bad. :-)

I could knock somebody out with this thing, ha.
I ran out of Old Bay, so I bought a larger container.
All cooks should have Old Bay in their pantry.

My brother gifted me with a Sam's Club membership so I could
start buying seafood, healthy snacks, and drinks in discount bulk.

I appreciate my stepdad for helping me out while I was on the walker in spite of his own physical troubles. He could use some well wishes. It's concerning.

And now, some food I made:

Bayley's West Indies Salad (Crab Ceviche)

Crunchy Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Crab Stuffed Mushrooms

Asian Shrimp Roll

Cajun Shrimp, Dirty Rice, Carrots

I'm about 75/25 pescetarian right now. Once I eat the last few meatballs from my freezer, and make a ham and cheese quiche, my kitchen will be fully pescetarian. I still try to digest other meats sometimes, but it's not going well. I'll keep trying, but I intend to eventually be 80/20 pescetarian, if not 90/10, for health reasons.

I never did write about internal medicine clinic. I'll get to that on the medical blog soon, and post the link here when I do. Renal clinic is also in 2 weeks.

Talk to you in April.

Thanks Bob (and everyone who wished me a nice day)

March update, and a little bit of February too.

Books read:

Complementary Approaches To Pain by NIH and NCCIH (quick summaries of alternative techniques such as acupuncture...not terribly useful in my opinion)

Women In Sports by Rachel Ignotofsky (good)

Women In Science by Rachel Ignotofsky (highly recommend)

The Gingerbread Girl by Stephen King (bad, lazy, not King quality, possibly ghost-written or either written on a day he was really bored)

Love Poems by Pablo Neruda (nice enough, a bit sexual at times, very Song of Solomon)

Books in Progress:

Stillllll working on Anam Cara. It's spiritually heavy, and it's going to take a while to get through. It's pretty, I will say that.

I started Learn French with Paul Noble. I seem to understand it well while I'm listening to it and speaking along, but I don't believe I would understand more than a few words if I visited France, or even the hometown of my 8x Great Grandfather in Quebec (that would be Montreal, yes, he was a founder and trustee). My brain is mush, but I'll continue studying to see if I can improve.

I have Beauty For Ashes by Joyce Myers in my possession, but I haven't made it through a chapter yet. I do intend to read it. If I can find it in eBook or audio form, I'm more likely to do this sooner (vision-impaired). For now, my local coffee shop let me borrow the hard copy.

Someone very kindly sent me three audiobooks on Amazon as a gift today. I will be reading all three as soon as possible, and will elaborate when I do.

Art Stuff:

Credit:
https://twitter.com/twitrartexhibit/status/1105397743634313217

The folks at Twitter Art Exhibit received my postcard (top middle) in Scotland! I was excited to see it among the others. The reception is in May, and I'll give more info when I know it.

I have other projects I want to work on, but I have been too weak and tired to do so. I'll update my art blog with work whenever I'm able to crank it out.

I'm done with the Bob Ross company. I haven't been able to teach since my disability, but I don't like seeing how they're handling business these days. It appears that instructors are being thrown under the bus, so to speak, and a lot of them are quite unhappy with the changes. Rightfully so. Instructors have invested thousands of dollars and an incredible amount of time into doing what they do, and they make the company a lot of money. Good luck to them all. I'm sad to be disabled, but I'm glad I'm not a part of this new drama. No thanks.

I still get questions and comments and get asked for favors sometimes. I no longer teach art, and I do not do commissions. I want people to stop asking or expecting this of me. I feel the need to throw that out there, because I'm not kidding. Find somebody else, preferably someone with consistent motor skills and the ability to follow a schedule. Seriously. I'm done.

Food:

I'm super frustrated with my multiple diets and their associated conditions. I will talk about it all in a separate post.

Misc:

I went to therapy and Internal Medicine. I'll have to make my visit with Dr. B a separate post. It was more eventful than expected. Coming up: the eye doctor who I have not seen in three years (he's great), and nephrology (he's great too).

My birthday is in 10 days, and I have zero plans. I do hope to raise $100 for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, though. Feel free to check out my Facebook on how to help, if you're on there. You don't have to be my friend. It's public. :)

I'll ramble on about social media at a later date. I'm weary.

Systemic disease is a beast. It's not even 7 P.M. but I'm curled up in bed. That's become my normal again. Hopefully better days are ahead. Good night.

March is here already.

And I'm behind on my blogging. I didn't start the year out too well where that is concerned. There is so much to write about these days that I'm overwhelmed, and I end up not writing anything at all. Mostly, I want to improve upon my medical blog and genealogy blog, but I keep dragging my heels. I will eventually tackle the tasks.

I've been extremely tired and in a lot of pain, and pushing myself to the point of physically crashing. I'm struggling with achieving a reasonable balance in nearly every facet of my life, and while balance is something I will always strive for, what I only want to do at the moment is sleep.

I returned to counseling today, and it amounted to a rant session about my limitations and my inability to deal with peers who've crawled out of the woodwork to support the terrible current events that have taken place over the last two years. People I've grown up with, or are related to, or have been friends with for years are suddenly bigoted, and in some cases, cruel. That has been a difficult adjustment, and it has made me question how I ended up in their realm. Most of the answers are obvious: was born into the family, grew up in that town and went to such and such school, and share certain general interests. In other words, we were compatible by blood or proximity. In a few rare cases, people simply changed, or they always carried such views, but hid them until now because they feel more comfortable letting their ugly flag fly. As for what to do with them, there's no real answer. I've already cut my Facebook down by hundreds, and I've ditched the majority of the family. I've learned through studying minimalism that it's not just about stuff. It's about people too, and how they affect your quality of life. In math terms, you can ask yourself the question "Is this person adding, subtracting, multiplying, or dividing?" I've seen some people even make a written list. Remember the old slam books from junior high? They were terrible, but not completely unuseful. When struggling with someone's presence, weigh their pros and cons. It sounds like solid advice, but it's a whole lot easier said than done.

Back to my limitations, I've been doing what I always do, and that's push myself until my body crashes over and over again. I live in HUD housing, which has to be kept in acceptable condition, and there's nobody here to do that except me. Even if there was someone else living here, I wouldn't be sitting around expecting them to do everything. I have to be able to operate my body. I have standards for my living conditions in addition to that, and I try my best to achieve it for the sake of my own sanity. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, and I don't think I qualify, but if the diagnosis ever arose, I would do nothing more than shrug my shoulders and say "Fine with me. At least my body isn't gross and my apartment doesn't look like garbage." And that would most likely be the end of the conversation, because it's my body and my apartment, so thank you, that is all.

My counselor suggested I find a local service for people with disabilities that offers to help me with cleaning and shopping. Except there isn't one. I live rural. None of the grocery stores that I shop at deliver here. There's also no restaurant delivery (not even Pizza Hut for heaven's sake), and the only people who offer to clean are locals who are unlicensed and looking for extra money. I'm not desperate enough to let a stranger in here around my medications and inherited collectibles (the latter will eventually find new homes, but that's another story for another time). I can't afford maid service. Family is not an option.

So there's little 'ol frustrated me with the frustrated muscles. I'm doing what I can, and overdoing it often, and paying the price. There's nothing normal about living with systemic disease, and it could be a lot worse, but it's not something that I can bring myself to accept, and that's where my head comes into this. I know how to acknowledge that this is my life. I don't have a choice. But to accept it is a step that I can't seem to reach. I don't know if I ever will.

I have no solutions, but I will keep trying to make it day by day, and continue to do the best I can with what I've been given.

The wild west is not in the west.

It's apparently here in the deep south.

The new neighbors are frequently fighting. Not just yelling; actually beating one another against the wall. I heard "help me" once, and called the police. The police suggest I tell the office. The office has stated in their monthly condescending newsletter that any problem is not their problem after office hours. Call the police. So nobody cares but me. And the truth is, I wouldn't care if they weren't disturbing me, because she keeps letting him back into the apartment knowing they're going to fight. She kicks him out, then lets him right back in a few hours or a day or two later. Over and over and over.

After a long night of hearing their fighting from my bedroom, I left to go sit at the only place open in my town, Waffle House. I made the mistake of placing an order, which I paid for and had to wait for as a fight began a few feet away from me. An obviously-impaired woman started yelling at the top of her lungs and harassing people. The cook, who was also yelled at, eventually told her to leave him alone so he could cook for "this nice lady", who was me. That wasn't helpful, as that only directed her attention to me. I was so fed up at that point, I snapped "Yes, I would like my food so I can leave!" So naturally, the woman started threatening me. "You done f'ed up bitch", etc etc. Her boyfriend told her to stop, and said to me "I'm trying to save you but she's right, you done f'ed up." Everyone in the restaurant was at attention at that point, looking pretty concerned. " I announced calmly that she was the one acting like a fool, that I was armed, and that I wasn't going to let her hurt anybody in there. At that, she walked out and took her loud, obnoxious mouth into the parking lot where she continued to yell and threaten nobody in particular, while her friends assured the waitress that they would take care of her bill.

First of all, let me state that I should have left immediately when the woman started in spite of having placed an order. The company would have lived with losing that seven bucks, and they are entirely at fault for allowing that woman to stay and make customers feel unsafe.

Secondly, I don't own a gun and never will. Being "armed" means I have mace in my pocket and a stun gun in my car. The stun gun took me a year to talk myself into, only after my life was directly threatened in the grocery store parking lot, and it was free. If I ever have to use it, I will be traumatized for life. I've never hurt anyone, and don't plan to.

But you can't let the idiots in this town know that. You only get respect when you make yourself clear that you have the upper hand. Otherwise, their "bad ass" is going to "f you up". That is the mentality in this town. Aggression wins.

I hate every minute of it, and I hate almost everyone here. Literal Nazis, who simultaneously claim to serve Jesus, run the local pizza shop. Good luck going to the store without an addict asking for money or trying to carjack you. I once carried groceries into my apartment from the car and a man high on drugs jumped in front of me in my own breezeway and asked if I was "ready to do it". He only backed down because the women he was with yelled at him to leave me alone. Everybody wants to beat the hell out of everybody for no good reason. The cops might as well set up a station in this neighborhood to save some time.

My French ancestors founded this city, and it is documented history that they were good, respectable people. When the Spanish took over the area, they granted this land to the family because they liked them. And now it has become this. It's disheartening, and I am drained in every way.

Rant over. I just wanted to make clear what happened the other night, since I mentioned it on Twitter. I'll obviously never step foot in WH again, but the fact that I have to make that kind of decision at all is a disgrace. I hate aggression, and I'll do whatever I can to halt or at least avoid it, but a public defender I am not. So don't be surprised if I'm murdered someday for simply trying to protect myself or someone else in this god-forsaken town.

February So Far

Hello folks, I'm back. :-) Thanks for coming back, too.

I went on hiatus for reasons I will not state, but it was needed and I will say that February has gone a little better this year than last. If you've been here long enough, you know that last February involved the myotonic episode of doom which had me yelling in pain, throwing up, and unable to move. Bad times.

I have been feeling on the verge of these episodes once again, but so far I've been able to prevent them with Magnesium. That mineral comes with its own set of problems, but I've found it to be absolutely necessary to my function. Of course, I'm still on a tremendous amount of potassium, as well as kidney and heart drugs. I'll update the medical blog in the near future. I've been dragging my heels where that's concerned.

I remained on Facebook and Twitter most of the month, and didn't take a break from Instagram at all. IG seems easiest to deal with these days, and I'm learning how to tolerate the occasional buffoonery that I run into there (fun fact: Instagram is NOT A DATING SITE. Leave me alone! Rawr!), ha! It has been fine for the most part, and I appreciate the likes and nice comments I receive.

The biggest news is that I started counseling. What should have been an hour and a half intro consult turned into three hours. We both agreed there is a lot to address. I maintained my composure with the exception of mentioning kids in cages on the border, and dealing with ableism. Those subjects brought me to tears, but I managed to unload a lot of my life story without a problem in that short period of time. There's plenty more to talk about. While I am still having dark moments, and it was hard to bring up a lot of the things I've been through, I'm glad I decided to start this journey. My counselor seems kind, she's my age, and we agree on a lot of things politically-speaking, so she can relate to my frustration concerning that. We'll see how she handles the rest of my turbulent life, but so far, this has been a good decision. I have complete freedom in choosing if and when to return, and I plan to do that in March.

I hope if anyone is hesitating to seek counsel that you will choose to take that first step. I am on a low-income sliding scale that is reasonable even for someone with as little money as I have. Friends have been helpful too, and I appreciate them so much. It's good to know I don't have to deal with my brain alone anymore. I don't regret speaking out about how I was feeling, even if some people are judging me (who cares what they think, really)!

My photos are horrible, but I'm going to share anyway, as I do.

I tackled the storage room (this is a 2nd bedroom...I am overhoused as I've stated in the past). I can see the floor again, I swept, mopped, organized...yay.

Which wiped me out with muscle weakness. Boo.

I'm having more episodes lately for a variety of reasons.

Weather fluctuations are always a factor, if nothing else.

I discovered Murphy Oil Soap and it is my new BFF.

(You should have seen that range hood beforehand. Yuck.)

Due to Gastroparesis, I have decided to switch back to a mostly pescetarian diet. I didn't tolerate the other meats well at all, and things began going downhill again. I'm a plump woman, but nobody needs to be losing 23 pounds in 21 days like I did last year, including me. I do want to lose weight, but it will be done the right way or not at all. That's how I roll. The haters can deal with it.

(I was unfriended over this on Facebook by someone with body image issues. Sorry I'm not extreme enough for you. But actually not sorry. Peace.)

Anyway, I've stocked up on seafood, which is thankfully affordable here.

And I made my way to World Market to pick up a Clearly Canadian mineral water. Almost an hour later, I left with all of this. I usually hate shopping, but I can't resist World Market's food section. Thanks to my stepdad for covering the cost of all of this loveliness. My only lamentation was they had no Inca Kola.

Those chocolate bars are 100% slave-free, and I'm glad they had them in stock. I've followed Tony's on social media and know they're doing good. The bars are huge and will take me weeks to eat because I only consume 2-3 squares per day. It's totally worth it. I'll consider it an early birthday gift, I guess.

Pics of my occasional cooking shenanigans are on Instagram.

That's all for now, I suppose, but I'll be back by the end of the month.

Love to all.

What I Did In January

I read:

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

The Myth of Equality by Ken Wytsma

The Moral Basis of Democracy by Eleanor Roosevelt

No Greater Love by Mother Teresa

Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman

(In Progress)

Beauty For Ashes by Joyce Meyer

Complementary Approaches To Pain by NIH and NCCIH

I drew:

"Art Saves Lives"
4 x 6 Colored Pencil on Bristol

This is my contribution to the 2019 Twitter Art Exhibit, which will be held in Scotland this year. The charity that will benefit is called Art In Healthcare, and anyone who knows me knows how close to my heart art therapy is. I'm happy to be a part of this effort. I'll post about the reception when I know the details.

I cooked:

Not much. I was contagiously ill for over a week. I've been eating a lot of freezer meals (that I made in December...that turned out to be a great idea), local dishes, too much coffee, and processed junk. I'm feeling the effects of this via Gastroparesis, HKPP, and severe acid reflux, and will be getting back on track in February. I expect to finish what's in my freezer, then I'd like to switch back to a mostly-pescetarian diet. I plan to try salad more regularly again, with limited greens since I have to avoid fiber and oxalate. And I have to get off of coffee. I should have never taken it up to begin with, but I got stuck on it during the 2018 Gastroparesis nightmare of doom when I was unable to keep anything solid down. I do credit it for halting the rapid weight loss I was experiencing, but now that I've gained again, I know I have to kick it to the curb.

I did make this beautiful seafood stew. I'm lucky to live in a community where I can drive 20 seconds down the road to buy snapper fillets on the Bayou. I buy shrimp at Rouses Market and Patagonian scallops at Publix. Everything is reasonably-priced since I am able to stretch the portions so far. Cooking for one has its advantages.

I did also cook for a local soccer coach who is going through chemo, but I'm not sharing pics. He is very young, and my heart really goes out to him. I wish him the best.

Other stuff:

I downloaded a biology textbook from a STEM university because I am a giant nerd who refuses to stop learning. I'll read it sometime this year.

I participated in that silly 10-Year Photo Challenge.

I lamented over the government shutdown, which has temporarily resolved. He who shall not be named has said that he'll shut it down again in February, so we'll have to see what happens. I really appreciate those who have reached out to me concerning this scare. I look forward to 2021, when I hope and pray the tables will turn and we will have someone relatively sane in charge again.

I went to see Mary Poppins Returns. Emily Blunt is super. Lin-Manuel Miranda is adorable. Dick Van Dyke put a big smile on my face. Dame Angela Lansbury produced instant tears. It was the most Mary Poppins movie ever, which makes no sense, which means it makes perfect sense. :)

I changed my mind about considering a relationship. Then I changed my mind again. Then I changed it back again. I can't decide, so it's probably for the best that I not think about it right now. If I've learned one thing about consent, it's that it should be enthusiastic and unhesitating. The fact is, I'm not healthy. And while I know many people who are ill who are making partnerships work, I can't seem to fully wrap my brain around it. I'm either too self-loathing, or it really is a bad idea. I don't know which, but I hope counseling will help me figure this out eventually. So I've decided that at this moment, with the exception of one person (don't ask because I'm not telling), I will respectfully decline a date if asked.

I got too mad on Twitter. I anticipate my counselor suggesting that I give up social media, since it is triggering me. I already restricted my Facebook quite a lot (back in 2017, I think) and barely read the news feed anymore. It was a good decision. I have mixed feelings about doing this on Twitter, but it is such a poor reflection of who I am that I know I have to make a change. I feel that it's important to stay informed, so it's not going to be easy, but I have to stop letting terrible people get to me. I end up stooping to an - I won't say unacceptable - uncomfortable level. I keep asking myself why I get so angry, but the only answer I come up with is why isn't everyone this angry. The only way we're going to stop injustice is to get angry and fight for change. But I know lashing out with cursing and name-calling is unhelpful, and it's not me - it's truly not. The people who have lived with me or spent any reasonable amount of time with me live in person would vouch for that 100%. Twitter folks (the ones I've never met) would undoubtedly be surprised by my shy and lethargic nature. Anyway, it's time to regroup. I'll get my counselor's advice on limiting my triggers without disconnecting from the world completely, and then go from there.

Things will get better somehow. I will be better, too.

Coffee and Love

A little ironic for me, I realize, but I thought it was cute.
I found it at Mack n DD's Emporium on Dauphin Island.

Wordless Wednesday: DV/Abuse Awareness

safehorizon.org

Wordless Wednesday: How To Love An Introvert

These books are important.

This has been my life since childhood.

I was neglected, falsely accused, mocked, shunned, misdiagnosed, abused, and refused treatment because I was a woman who hadn't achieved my doctors' sexist ideals.

I suffered greatly. The damage was done and is now irreversible.

This is my story and countless others'.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/13/books/review-doing-harm-maya-dusenbery-ask-me-about-my-uterus-abby-norman-invisible-michele-lent-hirsch.html

People love to victim-blame and make ableist statements in an attempt to discount someone's injustice, especially in regards to their health, safety, and quality of life. The fact of the matter is, this is my truth, and nothing you say will make it not true. My one life, the only one I will ever have, has been permanently impaired by a patriarchal society.

You don't get to tell me how to feel about that, no matter who you are.

I hope women will continue to speak out. It may be too late for many of us, but, God willing, future generations of women will benefit from our horror stories as some doctors learn how to treat them with the respect and care they deserve.

The usual end-of-the-year overthinking: a goal review, new goals, and other thoughts

We are finally at the end of this crazy year. I, for one, am hoping to reset my mind and heart to embrace a new start. But first, it's time to review my 2018 goals to see how I fared.

1. Stick to the diet most ideal for my systemic disease.

Gastroparesis threw off my diet in the worst way. I had to switch from high protein and fat (muscular dystrophy diet) to a liquid and soft food diet that involved the least possible amount of fiber. I am still having to medicate, which produces harsh side effects, and every day is a challenge, but I am attempting to resume a solid diet. I have to fast fairly often, and I still stay far away from fiber in most cases. I'm taking things one day at a time.

2. Read more and write more, with frequent updates.

Wow, did I ever. I have read many more books this year than I have in years past. Hoopla and Overdrive have been a gift. My Goodreads tells me my count for 2018 is 62 books, but I did abandon 6 or 8, so I am somewhere in the 50s. I plan to continue this pace in 2019.

3. Study minimalism and document my ongoing effort.

I certainly did. I read several books and articles, I'm following minimalists on social media to stay motivated, and I've documented my progress here on the blog and on Facebook. My kitchen, dining room, and living room are fully decluttered. My problem areas are my bedroom closets and drawers. My storage room (the second bedroom) is just that - storage - but I still tidy it up sometimes to make sure things don't get too out of hand. I'll deal with the remainder of my apartment early in 2019, in fact, I'll be cleaning out my closet very soon.

4. Sort all paperwork for storing or shredding.

I did this, but oddly enough, I didn't find the big box of paperwork that I thought I still had lying around. All I can figure is that I already dealt with it at some point and I just don't remember doing so. The way my brain is these days, this is not too surprising.

5. Spend less idle time on the cray-cray interwebs.

Observers may disagree, but I did spend less time online. I was reading, listening to audio books and lectures, and sorting the apartment. So I know for a fact that I spent less time sitting on the internet. I've noticed that my Facebook has especially been quieter, as I use to post many times a day, and now I post around once or twice, if that. So progress! As for my Twitter: no comment. *runs away*

6. Either utilize art supplies, or get rid of them (yikes).

I let go of a whopping 27 stretched canvases from my teaching days, but I did use some of my supplies for a few projects. As always, I have more projects planned, and I'll share about them soon. I'm also still following that free online drawing course I've been talking about, and will be doing so for quite a while, as it is equivalent to a year of college. Thankfully I can lie on the couch and watch the professor draw, and work on my own drawings at my own pace as my condition allows. That is way different from going to college, which nearly killed me. People don't understand how much labor is involved in an art studio unless they subject themselves to it. It's hard. As my former instructor used to say, "if it was easy, everybody would be doing it".

7. Find effective methods for managing stress episodes.

This has been another challenging year. I'm on a low dose of medication now in an attempt to reduce my anxiety. I downloaded the Calm app on my phone. I attended a drum circle (something I failed to mention here). I'm currently looking for a counselor to discuss PTSD, and I have a couple of workbooks. I know I have issues, and I've held them in too long. I decided to start talking about it and reaching out to a few specific people who I felt were safe enough to tell how I was feeling without being misjudged. I knew I had to, because I had reached the point of implosion, and my mind was spiraling into thoughts of death. I won't let a single person shame me for it. I don't know anyone who could successfully live in this much pain with no relief for as long as I have and keep their cool. When I met with psychiatrists in 2014, that is exactly what they said also. I'm trying to learn to accept my brokenness so I can move forward in pursuing whatever wellness I can find.

If I'm not mistaken, this is the most successful list of annual goals I've ever tried to tackle.

I do have some new goals. Here they are in no particular order of importance:

1. Relearn basic conversational (Canadian) French

2. Relearn Chess and attempt to start a local group

3. Spend less idle time on my social media accounts

4. Pursue therapy, coping, and pain/stress management

5. Reopen art and craft sales strictly for charitable purposes

6. Catch up on all things Periodic Paralysis and update the blog
7. Work on my family tree, updating my blog and Ancestry account

That's about all I can handle. If French goes well, I would like to switch to Spanish.

Someone asked me how I've changed over the past year. My response and additional thoughts:

- I am slightly more educated. Even though I have trouble retaining information these days due to sleep deprivation and brain fog, I try to never stop learning.

- I've talked myself into pursuing various forms of therapy. If you must know the TMI: PTSD/anxiety cognitive therapy, pelvic floor therapy to deal with bladder and other pelvic issues, and eventually sex therapy if I find myself comfortable enough to benefit from it someday (today is not that day, thank you).

- I've opened my mind to the possibility of companionship. I'm not overly-excited, but I changed from a resounding "hell no" for the last fifteen years to a "well, maybe I'll think about it" after my 40th birthday. I don't know why turning forty did that to me. Frankly, I have no expectations. I have no intention of actively pursuing a romantic relationship, and it's probably not going to happen either way. I'm independent-minded. I can't allow anything but total respect for who I am and utmost patience with my limited abilities. I exist in chronic pain. And, I believe I'm too intense for most men to begin with.

I think I'm decent friend material in spite of my rocky life, so at least I've got that going for me. I know my tribe is out there somewhere. *waves hello* Have I mentioned how much I like living by myself? By all means, come over for dinner! Then go home. :-P

I've been on both Blogger and Facebook for ten years now. It's hard to believe either one has lasted this long, but here they are still occupying space in my head. That's not a complaint. I am lucky to have people all over the world reading my mess, and some of them genuinely care. I'm grateful to you for choosing to be a part of my turbulent world.

May I meet the new year with bravery and hope in my heart.

Have a safe and blessed 2019, friends.

The very Dollar General I choose to go to...

...and God knows there are plenty to choose from since there is one on every corner, I end up in the one with the visibly contagiously ill cashier.

And now I've got what he had.

Not amused, Dollar General. Not amused.

I had a rough night, but my fever has broken

so maybe I won't have to bother my doctor.

I pre-scheduled my annual NYE post the other day,

so it'll show up in the A.M. whether I'm online or not.

Talk to you soon. Be well, everyone.

Minimalist Apartment Update - December 2018

I love a clean and organized refrigerator.

I'm glad to say my kitchen is 100% decluttered.

My closet shelving is coming along.

And now, a special appearance by my Eeyore pajamas. :-)

Remember this post?

It's the end of the year,

so I tackled the closet!

This is going to the shelter.

I have empty hangers now, but still have plenty of clothing.

Thrift store shopping is my thing, and it is worth it.

I'll continue my efforts in 2019.

Thanks for following my progress!

Minimalist Budgeting (In Pictures)

I use cash in envelopes for bills that are paid in person. Other bills are paid online.

I have one basic bank account for the purpose of direct deposit.

I use Evernote to make a summary divided into "fixed" and "variable" expenses.
I realized later that OneDrive is fixed and moved it into the appropriate category.
Once the bill is paid, I type in the amount, then put a * when it clears the bank.

I use Evernote to make a list of groceries in the pantry, freezer, and fridge.
Taking inventory helps me to spend wisely.
It also helps with meal planning.
For example, I currently have a lot of carbs on-hand, but not enough solid protein.
This is due to the gastroparesis diet I've been on, but this month,
I have switched back to a low-fiber high protein diet.
So looking at inventory, I know not to buy any carbs or condiments,
but to put butter and soft meats on my shopping list.

I use Evernote to make a list of itemized expenses.
This is why I hoard receipts for a month at a time.
The expenses vary from time-to-time.
This time it was fabric softener. Next time it'll be shampoo. Etc.

I tried using other software, tables, and fancy templates, but they felt cluttered and unnecessary. My system looks basic and boring, but it works. I know what happens to my money, which is the point of budgeting. Since I review where each dollar goes, I am able to assess (and reassess to absolute death) my spending to see if and where I can make adjustments. The hard reality of budgeting social security income is seeing month after month that overspending is not really the issue. Most days, there just isn't enough money to cover everything to begin with.

I used to budget people's incomes for a living when I was a federal paralegal. I was required to take their paycheck stubs and force their take home pay into a spending plan. I had dealt with hundreds of clients by the time I was laid off. Between that experience and my parents' extreme penny pinching, I learned how to do this in my youth, and have been doing it ever since.

Minimalism isn't for everyone, but surely there's a system out there for everyone. This is the one that happens to work for me. Do whatever works for you!