Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Such a silly overused pun, but I couldn't resist.

12 inch donation, a new record! :)

Health Assessment 8/24/17

I took a digital health assessment today, and almost burst into tears over the results. In my defense, it doesn't take much right now as I just said goodbye to one of my dearest friends. I miss her, and loss has a way of reminding us of our own fragile mortality, doesn't it?

Today is the first time I've documented my BMI in an unacceptable range, and I am currently at my highest weight. It says I am about 9 years older than I am, but it doesn't know how poor my health is so I imagine I'm physically quite a bit older.

Certain types of Muscular Dystrophy can cause significant weight gain (whereas other types result in being underweight), and the high protein/fat diet I'm on because of MD is not helpful in this regard. At any rate, something must change. I'm headed down a road that will destroy me if I don't turn around. I have to find a happy medium, or at least a medium, even if it's not the "happiest" one. Here's the plan so far:

• I put a battery back into my bathroom scale so I can use it again.
• I'll buy a food scale when I get paid so I can monitor portions.
• I will reassess my grocery list and menu asap.
• I've installed multiple apps to help me keep track of my numbers.
• I need to continue to look for distractions so I'm not cooking or eating out of boredom.
• I absolutely must get over my desire to try to cook everything and feed others (Let me love you! Eat this feast I have prepared! Literally me. I have to stop even though it pains me to do so.)
• Somehow, some way, by magic and determination, I really gotta give up caffeine.
• To be honest, I should go paleo, but I am currently kicking and screaming every step of the way.
• My body falls apart into HKPP mode every time I attempt to exercise. Even PT is a problem. This has always been the case, even in young adulthood. There is no solution for it, and I have no choice but to acknowledge that fact.

Life is sad and frustrating lately, but I know I can't let myself be consumed and I strive to "pull myself together", as I often put it, and carry on. It's hard, but I'm trying. Always.

I'll share a new assessment at the end of the year to see if things have changed.

I have lost a wonderful friend

She died in her sleep. No cause known at this time.

I had talked to her mere hours beforehand.

It seems so impossible. I am sad, angry, shocked.

She was a funny, empathetic, loving and kind person.

The loss is immense for everyone who knew her.

Funeral tomorrow. Please spare a thought for her children.

August So Far

The neighbors gave me some of their beautiful hot (and I mean HOT) peppers.

I haven't decided what to do with them yet, but I'll be using gloves!

I dropped my first #MobRox!

Someone offered to make a safety pin decal for my car, but didn't follow through (she's plenty busy I'm sure), so I bought a shirt. It represents solidarity with those who have been victimized. Safety is a human right, and I will speak against abuse and oppression until the day I die.

I'm struggling with severe pain, photo sensitivity, and social anxiety, but I went to the local game store to play Pokemon in person. I have been doing this off and on for a few months. I don't get to go very often, due to my sucky condition, and I pay the consequences each time as symptoms inevitably arise from sitting up for a few hours in a stuffy room under florescent lighting. Sometimes, I don't handle it well, at least in my opinion. I don't know how noticeable my physical meltdowns are to anyone else. As long as I don't annoy anyone or overstay, I think I'll survive every so often. The folks there have been nice, and a few customers even helped me break into my car when I stupidly locked myself out the other day. I'm an idiot. Anyway, it's a decent geek hangout.

P.S. - I'm terrible at the game in person. Just terrible.

I'm more successful online. Most recently, I had a 10 game winning streak, lost game 11, then returned a couple of days later and won 15 times in a row. Go me? Sylveon GX, if you care.

I booked my room for MDA clinic in 6 weeks. I used Airbnb last time with great results. Hopefully, this time will work out just as well. They even have a pool (which I won't use, so I don't know why I just mentioned it). It's a nice house in a safe neighborhood 10 minutes from the hospital. The joys of being an outpatient, out-of-state patient, I guess.

I am continuing free, non-credit courses through Harvard. If you're new here, I am too ill to attend actual college, even online. I confirmed that by almost dying while in community college 7 years ago. At any rate, these work-at-your-own-pace non-credit courses are a challenge, but I love learning. Biochemistry was a big NOPE, and I dropped it, but I'm currently in Cell Biology and doing well. More than well, I guess, since I started it on the 8th and I'm 3/4 of the way finished already. I'll wrap up the course material on the 10th (that's today), and start studying for the final.

As usual, forgive the wonky blog formatting. It's stupid. Or perhaps I am. Everything wrong with this blog is probably user error, to be honest. Talk to you soon.

I'd like for my patronus to be a wise owl or a beautiful zebra, but let's face it, it's probably a fat panda with Narcolepsy.

If you're one of the few people on Earth who does not know Harry Potter, and don't want spoilers, exit the page now.

You probably think this is absolutely nuts, but I introduced myself to Harry Potter in July.

Yep, it was my first time.

Ever.

Crazy, right?

I've never read the books, and I'm not sure I'll get through them with my vision impairment and adult ADD, but I'll give it a shot someday. The movies, though...the movies. I was so so so impressed by everything: the acting, the storyline, the special effects, it was all fantastic. I honestly think I like it more than Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit, and that's big. Really big.

Harry has a lot of empathy, and there's nothing better in my opinion. I hated how mistreated he was; what a burden to be "the boy who lived". I wanted to give him a hug. Great character, and Daniel Radcliffe did an excellent job. Of course Emma Watson is superb as both a human being and in the role of Hermione. I loved her. Harry and Hermione are serious friendship goals, people. To have that level of platonic intimacy - yes please!

I have to say I am shocked that I managed to avoid the massive spoiler concerning Severus Snape for 20 years. It took me by surprise, and I wept and wept. Then I watched it a second time and wept again. If you are unaware, Alan Rickman has been a beloved favorite of mine since Junior High School. It's a shame that I had not seen his role in Harry Potter until now, but I'm glad I finally did. Needless to say, it only reinforced my affection. Nobody portrays a hardened man painfully in love like Alan Rickman. Damn, he's good. And he is so missed.

It was also a joy to see Maggie Smith and so many other British actors that I am familiar with from film and television. There's a running joke that the UK has the same 12 actors in everything, ha. That's a slight exaggeration, but I get it. It's fun to me, though, to see the same folks pop up again and again. It feels like we get to know them after awhile, doesn't it?

I wanted to explain why I was unfamiliar with the stories, but I don't want to turn this post into a downer, so I've decided not to get into that. I'm glad I've enlightened myself and now I finally understand years of my friends' and siblings' Harry Potter references. Yay!

I plan to marathon it again soon.

Ancestry DNA

I was excited to be given the opportunity to send my DNA to Ancestry for heritage analysis. The process was easy, and they didn't keep me waiting very long. I'm happy to share the results:

I am 99% European and 1% Native American! Here's how it breaks down:

64% Europe West

Primarily located in: Belgium, France, Germany, Netherlands, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein

Also found in: England, Denmark, Italy, Slovenia, Czech Republic

I already knew this would be the biggest percentage, since I am primarily French and my maternal grandmother's mother was German.

15% Irish

YAAAAAAAY! I knew I was Irish because my paternal great grandmother was full-blooded Irish, but I didn't know it would show up as 15%. Awesome!

8% Iberian Peninsula

Primarily located in: Spain, Portugal

Also found in: France, Morocco, Algeria, Italy

Important to note that although IP is primarily Spain and Portugal, it also includes Southwest France, and that is exactly where one of my French ancestors is from. I will be genuinely surprised if I ever find an ancestor from Spain.

6% Great Britain

This is strictly England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland (however, I don't think NI is a part of this percentage, since Ireland is its own category).

I was expecting a higher percentage, but I don't doubt their findings now that I know I'm 15% Irish!

1% Americas (I am specifically Mississippi Choctaw)

This includes all of the Americas, and refers to Native/Indigenous ancestry. I agree with this percentage because my full-blooded Mississippi Choctaw Great Grandmother is from 7 generations ago. I'm just happy they recognized it at all!

Additional information:

As you can see in the first photo I shared, I am related to the first settlers of the Louisiana and Mississippi coasts. This information is spot on. Important note: The Alabama coast is included in this category, as you can see on the map.

It also tells me that I am possibly related to first settlers in North Carolina, which is accurate because that is exactly where my confirmed ancestor Alexander Elliott Clark was born. If only anyone knew who his parents were, I could close the gap in my family tree!

It also tells me I am possibly related to first settlers in the deep south region, which includes much of the Southeast. This of course is accurate also, not just because of the Gulf Coast settlers, but my German ancestor George Heinrich Seibel migrating to east central Mississippi. The family grist mill where my grandmother grew up, Sciple's Water Mill and Opry, still exists today.

I have absolutely nothing to contest, and that makes me happy.

If interested, my genealogy blog is in the beginning stages and can be found here.

2017 Goal: MawMaw's Gumbo

If you've been following long enough, you know one of my goals for the year was to nail my late MawMaw's seafood gumbo. I decided today would be the day. You should see my kitchen right now...total carnage...but the gumbo is darn close to MawMaw's, and may very well be spot on tomorrow after the flavors mesh a little more. I'm happy to finally cross this off of my bucket list.

I miss you MawMaw, and I hope my attempt made you smile.

Mario Marathon 2017

My pals in Indiana have currently raised over $40K for Child's Play Charity this year.
Check out the shenanigans and donate to the kids at MarioMarathon.com!

I'm a Burrito

I'm too tired to live, so I've decided to be a burrito this week. I don't have much of a choice. My spoons, as they say, are few. The weather is a big factor, but life in general is just plain exhausting these days. There's plenty that I wish I could do, but it'll have to wait. I have Internal Medicine on Monday. I'll give a health update after test results and such. Back to my blankie until then.

Getting Too Old

39, and I'm already there.

TBN Rape Scandal

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/07/us/trinity-broadcasting-verdict.html

I believe Carra 100%. Some of the Crouch's devoted followers, who were my peers/mentors as a teen, tried to blame and shame me when two people committed sexual battery against me. They demanded that I never speak of it again, and they have covered it up to this day. I'll never forgive them.

Both the TBN (Crouch) and CBN (Robertson) empires are disgustingly scandalous. Due to the fact that I used to be involved in charismatic ministries, I'm aware of more behind the scenes garbage than the average viewer. I have no intention of giving details, at least not here on the blog, but I will say this: in a perfect world, all of these creeps would be held partially responsible for the abuse of countless women and children, and crumble into poverty.

Rainy Day Ramble

It has been raining for days. I'm always sleepy.

I'm at level 29 on Pokemon TCGO. Thirty (30) is the finish line where Challenges are concerned, so I'm very close. I've also started playing TGC in person at a game shop in the city about once a month. It takes a lot out of me physically to sit up that long, so I can't be there often. It also gets extremely busy and overwhelming, which is draining. But the people are cool, and it has been a mostly good experience so far. I'm being cautious, and if I ever get to the point where I'm feeling more stress than not, I'll stop going.

This is one of those weeks where I'm forcing myself to eat. I said I wasn't going to do that, but I can't fast for very long without serious symptoms, so I have to find some sort of happy medium. I bought a lot of protein drinks, and I've made a couple of decent meals, but I'm not feeling it. Any of it.

Not feeling social media lately, either. Twitter has been a riot with the "covfefe" thing, but it's back to being an angry cesspool again, so I've deactivated for now. Make no mistake, I'm definitely on team angry, but I'll spare you the details. Facebook is a different monster altogether. I use Social Fixer to filter out a lot of crap. If I didn't, I'd lose my mind over the politics and general stupidity. There are also people who act like their goal is to misunderstand everything I say. They don't detect humor or sarcasm, or they think I meant something I didn't mean, or whatever. Not many people get it wrong, but the few that do make me want to throw up my hands and walk away. I have no patience for this anymore. I guess it's a part of being sick, or tired, or in pain, or simply getting old.

Things have calmed down at the apartment complex for the most part, so that's a plus. I don't really understand what's going on across the hall anymore, but I've decided I don't care. Sometimes, not caring is for the best.

Miss Crankypants, over and out.

39.25 year old head for trade

For Trade: Head. Approximately 8 pounds, possibly fatter. Eyes don't see very well, but enough to get by. Mouth attached is anatomically small, but packs a punch when necessary. Carnivorous, but not cannibalistic. Sinus cavities are a bit wonky, and ears would have benefitted from tubes in their youth, but alas. The brain inside likes to repeat nightmares and scream in piercing agony for no known reason. It also fights sleep to an unruly and miserable extent. Kind of useless. In fact, I'll rescind my trade offer and give it to you for free. Just take it from me already.

No phone calls or solicitations, please.

[/ad]

My Favorite Salad

Tis the season for my beautiful red, white, and blue salad!

Spring Mix

Romaine

Strawberries

Blueberries

Goat Cheese

Sunflower Seeds

Poppyseed Dressing

I make it every year during Spring and Summer.

My sis in law loves it too, so we make it whenever I visit.

Pair it with a chicken breast for a wonderful, balanced meal.

Oh my goodness. Hi.

I rarely or possibly never wait this long to blog...it has been two weeks! For the record, it has been incredibly hectic and unexpected, and I will explain as soon as I have time to sit down and share the details.

In preview: multiple burglaries in my apartment building, and lots of out-of-town family time.

Talk to you soon!

Tamale Day

They turned out pretty great.

I shared with the neighbors.

I had extra masa dough left over,

so I made tortillas for the freezer.

It is definitely a labor of love, and not one I can conquer often.

I'll have to rest for a few days. Thankfully, I have leftovers.

2017 Goal Update (April)

So you don't have to click on another page, here's a screenshot of the list:

#3

I've continued to declutter my apartment. This piece of crap bookcase from Walmart decided to help by collapsing in one fell swoop. It's torn up and too heavy to hang as wall shelves, so in the dumpster it went. Take it from me, save $40 and your sanity and go buy furniture somewhere else.

As for actual decluttering, I'm making progress. It's not really that bad, but I tend to hang onto things, especially paper things like receipts, and they add up. I'll post more pics later.

 #4

I ran out of room on the Mac, so I finally took the time to deal with it. I zipped thousands of photos and deleted thousands of files, in fact, I have 66 GB of space again (which I will proceed to fill with episodes of Doctor Who, probably).

It is a dinosaur...almost 8 years old...but it has been a great system. Thanks for hanging in there, Bessie Mac.

#7

I've been watching a lot of watercolor tutorials online, and I'll eventually sit down and participate in a free course. I'll post pics here when I do.

#1

Sad fact: I don't understand the tin whistle. I move my fingers and blow into the thing, and all notes sound the same. I'm obviously doing something wrong. I'll talk to a variety of music professionals about this at a later date. YouTube hasn't been helpful thus far, but I'll continue to browse there as well. Although my oxygen is almost always in normal range, I don't breathe that easily. It takes more effort than it should, and at times it's painful. This goal isn't a priority for that reason, but I intend to pursue it at some point before the end of year.

Numbers 2 and 5 are in progress. Technically, #3 still is too. I completed #6 at the beginning of the year, as you may have read in a previous post. #8 will be attempted again soon. Even though a shop less than a mile from my apartment sells gumbo that tastes like my late MawMaw's gumbo, I'm determined to figure out the exact balance of flavors for myself. My gumbo is good, but it's not hers. Hers is the goal.

Enjoy the rest of your month, readers.

A visit to a farm, and a little Spring cleaning

I overworked my muscles badly yesterday, which resulted in very low function today. I was finally able to get out of bed and move around at 3:30pm. I'm able to do little more than prop up on the couch, drink fluids, and take my meds, but here's what I did yesterday:

Indy500 the rolling walker and I visited a farm in north Grand Bay to inquire about their community supported agriculture program. I picked up my first sunflower, which is now hanging out in the yard outside my bedroom window.

I moved my little desk to the foot of my bed. I am rarely strong enough to sit there for more than a few hours a week, but when I can I will be able to see my sunflower from the chair.

In the living room, I pushed the tables against the wall and set it up for drawing (which won't be today because I can barely even type), so it feels a lot less cluttered in here again *breathe* of course I will happily push them back into the middle of the room again when folks come over to play board games.

I'm going to have to stay home and rest my muscles for the rest of the week, but I will plan to venture back out to the farm in May for some fresh organic produce.

Support your local businesses!

Annnnnd breathe. But not outside, because pollen is evil.

I'm here to tell you that Hay Fever sucks, but I know most folks are already aware of that. I'm still having trouble with my ears, sinuses, and a nagging cough that I can't get rid of to save my life. Yes, I know. Welcome to Spring.

The weather is beautiful, though. I've been spending more time outside than usual, allergies be damned, because Spring and Autumn are the ideal time for my muscles, assuming no other triggers are upon me. It's challenging, because so many things trigger my HKPP episodes and muscle weakness, including histamines AND antihistamines, so there's no winning that one. But I can't spend every waking (or sleeping, for that matter) moment indoors. I guess I technically could, but I wouldn't want to. Nobody should have to live like that.

It's inevitable in the dead of summer. I always have to become a hermit, because my body simply cannot tolerate the sauna we deal with on the Gulf Coast. 100 degree heat index with 100% humidity is for athletes, not people with systemic disease. Tachycardia and dehydration come far too easily, as easily as walking to the mailbox or getting in the car. So it's difficult. But so is winter. Muscles are such temperamental things.

I'm rambling. At any rate, I'm doing my best to enjoy Spring in spite of my ailments. I have some photos to share soon of a couple of my rare outings. I'll try to get them uploaded tomorrow.

Happy Spring, Achoos and God Bless Yous to all.

If you're wondering how things are going...

On top of HKPP, sleep deprivation, kidney stones, and the rest of the crap I usually deal with, I have a doozy of an upper respiratory infection at the moment. There is so much that I would like to do, but even getting out of bed to sit up in a chair seems like too much to ask this week. Thanks, Life.

I'll have a less cranky update when I am functional again, someday.

39 @ 9:29

Well, I'm in the home stretch to the big 4-0. Let's see if I can get there.

Back to back clinics

On Monday, I returned to UMMC in Jackson for renal/endocrinology clinic. I am very very lucky to have doctors who listen, care, and want to learn more about this absurd disease. It is assumed that my current condition is my best case scenario, and they are relieved that things haven't gotten any worse over the last several months. We agreed that the Keveyis fiasco was a bummer. Since my HKPP is familial, they asked about my parents and whether or not I have children. I reminded them that I am the lone ranger in this thing, my parents are deceased, and I don't have kids. As always, they are interested in my story and are happy to know Facebook support groups exist. Documentation is a big concern for me since social security owns me and will occasionally review my case, but the doctors reassured me that they were keeping up with my peril in writing. They said my labs look stable, and the glass is half full in spite of my condition. I'll return in one year unless something changes.

On Wednesday, I returned to Internal Medicine at the low income clinic in my little town. Dr. B is fantastic as always, and is willing to test anything that is even mildly questionable. He knows how frustrated I am over my permanent muscle weakness and that even with my potassium level in normal range, I cannot function well enough to perform basic household tasks at times. We discussed my episodes, and how I handle them without assistance (answer: I take potassium and lie down...all I can do really is ride it out. If I am unable to take potassium, I find the nearest place to lie down and I hope for the best). He was concerned about the fact that I live alone like this, and suggested I check into obtaining a Life Alert necklace. I probably won't be able to afford it, but I'll look it up. He told me to make sure I have my cell phone within reach at all times.

He took a stat panel like renal clinic did, and the numbers matched this time. Everything looks pretty good, thanks to my overwhelming daily regimen, and it is an improvement compared to the last couple of years of labs. He sent some blood off for additional tests, and I'll receive the results on Friday. I'll write a short update at that time.

Renal clinic is across the state line, and because my insurance refuses to acknowledge that, I am forced to pay in full to be seen there. It's very difficult - nearly impossible - to afford that but I didn't find a clinic in my state that would take my case. That's how I ended up having to travel 4 hours to an out-of-state hospital. They practically brought me back from the dead, and want to continue seeing me at least once a year (I want/need to see them as well), so I am going to have to find a way to pay for it. I explained this to Dr. B and said he would do what he could to help concerning labs or whatever it is they want to monitor in me throughout the year in between my visits there. He also has a medication assistance program, and it is the only reason I have access to my vital medications (which would be around $1000 a month otherwise and my social security is far less than that per month). Low income clinics are so, so important; in fact, downright life-saving for people like me. That's why federal funding for these places must be protected. To cut off access to medical care is to literally kill people. I would be one of them, but only one of millions. God help us.

As long as nothing crazier than usual happens, and as long as my sent-off tests come back in good shape, I am done with clinics until June.

Isn't It Funny?

Isn't is funny that the people who bash PC and demand their freedom of speech are the same people constantly whining at celebrities to shut-up?

Isn't it funny that the same people who fight for any spotlight or soapbox they can find label others as attention-seekers?

Isn't it funny that these people call others narcissistic while simultaneously saying others don't deserve the same constitutional rights as they have?

Isn't that funny?

It's not funny. It's idiotic.

Yet you expect to be taken seriously.

Now that's funny.

Education Matters

A few days ago, I wrote a Senator concerning the Secretary of Education nominee.

I received a response today.

-----

Dear Ms. Bosarge:

Thank you for your recent correspondence regarding Presidential appointments.

On February 7, 2017, the Senate confirmed Betsy DeVos as the Secretary of Education by a vote of 51-50.

I take seriously the advice and consent responsibilities the Constitution entrusts to the Senate.  Prior to her confirmation, I met with Secretary DeVos, and she reaffirmed her commitment to support public education and rural schools.  I will continue to work with the U.S. Department of Education to support programs that benefit Mississippi children and to return more control over educational policies to state and local officials.

Having the benefit of your views is important to me.  I appreciate your taking the time to write.

Sincerely,

THAD COCHRAN
United States Senator

------

My concern is that someone with zero credentials will be in charge of the education of our country's young people. I rarely write Congress, but this is one I could not ignore. They seem adamant about ditching the feds and giving control of education to the states and local districts. The problem with that is that some of those places fail. We've seen that with the probation of school districts and college embezzlement scandals, and there are plenty of other examples out there. Federal support is vital in everything from tuition and financial aid to building security and infrastructure to food and book costs. It makes a direct impact on students. I can tell you personally that I attended a college after they lost federal funding, and it was a train wreck; absolutely rock bottom, and I transferred elsewhere after the first semester. When accountability isn't taken seriously, bad or lazy people do bad or lazy things, and when those people run schools, students suffer as a result. Federal funding and guidelines are there to protect the quality of education, not to harm it. They recognize when schools are failing and hold them accountable to bring them back up to par for the sake of the kids. Who is going to address these issues when they inevitably arise again? Unless all states get their crap together and hold every school district accountable, giving all students equal access to quality public education, a lot of people are going to fall short of average intelligence and opportunity, which gives them little hope of operating at their full potential. Poor education = poverty, desperation, and crime. When education is inadequate, society is inadequate. That's not a partisan opinion. That's common sense.

The confirmation of DeVos is a potential disaster for fair and equal education. All young people in this country deserve the best chance possible at making it in life. I hope and pray they aren't thrown under the school bus.

Searching for Sanity

It's safe to say, for many of us, that the year has started off pretty stressful. It got to the point where people were suggesting I back off from social media and the news for the sake of my health. So in January, when I learned that my niece Jo's birthday party theme this year was going to be Pokemon, I decided to learn as much as I could about it. Believe it or not, I didn't exactly know what it was all about. I was a working adult when it debuted 20 years ago, so I've been out of the loop.

Some friends gave me the rundown and a few links, and I am now completely hooked on the online game.

I'm doing pretty well, too.

I'm a level 3 trainer as of yesterday.

It has been a huge distraction...one that I needed. I spend a little less time scrolling down news feeds, which was the plan. I am still feeling stressed, but gaming gives me something different to focus on for a little while.

I also stayed up all night last night, borrowed my sister's NF, and marathoned.

Wow, what an incredible series. I laughed, cried, and gagged. I could barely eat breakfast this morning because it grossed me out so much. I'm not into horror, but this falls into the Sci-Fi drama genre, which I love. I watched it from beginning to end without a break...totally worth all of the hype.

I have a lot of other shows to watch, mostly in the DC and Marvel comic universe. My friends go on and on about them, and I don't know what they're talking about, so I'm going to eventually dive in.

Doctor Who FINALLY returns in April, so I'm looking forward to that this year as well. Whatever keeps the sanity intact, folks.

I have several art projects to work on when my arms are feeling up to it. Winter is always a rough time for my muscles. Even the mild winters we have here affect my motor skills greatly. I honestly don't know how anyone north of me with HKPP survives. My heart goes out to them, that's for sure.

I've got a long nap calling my name. Talk to you soon.

NOTHING.

The fact that there are people out there who think they have the answer to my ailments, and that I am simply choosing not to comply - as if systemic disease is curable with your magic potions and notions - but for some insane reason I would rather be seriously ill, in severe pain, and debilitated every day of my life - is maddening beyond words.

Go take several seats. You know nothing.

Gulf Coast Wx this week

Lowest number: 26

Highest number: 72

Gulf Coast weather is as cray cray as ever.

A few extra goals, and the word of the year

I don't usually do a "word of the year", but I have one on my mind, so why not?

It was going to be "persevere", but after two conversations with the folks at the sandwich shop next door, I've decided a more appropriate word is "allow".

Many of us are too hard on ourselves. If I had a superhero name, it would be The Overanalyzer. I look at numbers and societal norms, and I try to fit in. It's a bad idea, and a futile one at that. I'm not normal, and my circumstances aren't normal. Normal is based on the majority's accepted ideals, but I have to accept the fact that I am not in the majority. I have to set my own ideals, based on my life, no matter what others think of me. It's not their existence and not their business.

In my immensely-exhausted state, I have managed to make a few plans that I did not include in my list of annual goals. They're not very interesting, but I'm going to talk about them anyway.

I plan to cook (and eat) only as necessary.

My abilities are limited, to say the least. Sometimes, I spend too much time cooking (and in result, cleaning the kitchen), which ultimately makes me too tired and weak to do anything else. Bulk cooking soup for the freezer helps, and Schwan's has been beneficial to an extent. I plan to continue to do that during the cooler months, but it's not an ideal thing to do year-round in a tropical climate (storms = power loss = food loss). I want to make life easier with high-protein sandwiches, drinks, salads, and other foods that don't require a lot of effort. I'm not able to eat as much as I used to, so I'm going to eat smaller. I want to get away from "combo" meals when I go out, and I'm trying to get out of the mindset that a balanced meal is necessary. I don't have to follow guidelines for consuming food - meat, grains, dairy, vegetables, etc. - that are set for a typical adult. If I want to buy a rotisserie chicken and spend the day eating it, and nothing else, I am allowed to do that. If I want to eat a bowl of green beans, and nothing else, I am allowed to do that. If I want to eat peanut butter with a spoon out of the jar, I am allowed to do that. If I want to shovel in a handful of chocolate chips and call it a meal, I am allowed to do that.

I've had enough of the metaphorical flashing sign that demands that I eat a certain number of calories (and protein, and sugar, and fiber, etc.) per day. If I'm not dying of obesity, anorexia, or other acute food-related medical condition, do not intervene. That's me, talking to me. That's also me talking to anyone who says I'm wrong unless I do things the way they think I should. I told the sandwich shop manager today "We need to allow ourselves to live and stop being so hard on ourselves about everything. We only get one life."

Interestingly, my bathroom scale bit the dust on New Year's Eve. At first I was like NOOOOOO but then I said to myself "Self, this is a great opportunity to not replace the battery. It's doing you no favors anyway." That said, I will allow myself to stop looking at the scale. I still see doctors 4 to 6 times a year, and they always weigh me (whether I like it or not). Therefore, I won't be completely in the dark. I think about my weight too much, and I feel that I'll be better off mentally and emotionally if I cut myself a little slack.

I plan to sleep more, no matter when, where, how, and so forth.

I never, and I mean NEVER sleep at night. Sleep happens, if at all, during the average person's awake time. People love to bring this up to me, as if I wasn't aware, and as if I haven't strove for typical human slumber. Trust me, I KNOW. This has been a lifelong problem, and you pointing it out is not a solution. If the only time my body rests is during the day, so be it. This is my #1 battle in life, and I'm going to fight for it. For the sake of all that is right and good in the world, just let me rest, whatever it takes. I'm often my own enemy, but that's over. I will stop trying to fit into the societal norm of being up and around during the hours of blah blah and sleeping during the hours of whatever. I am tired of feeling guilty for lying in bed trying to sleep when everyone else is being productive. Everyone else doesn't have systemic disease. Everyone else doesn't have weak, failing muscles. Everyone else doesn't feel the non-stop pain or have to deal with debilitating, life-threatening symptoms on a regular basis. Everyone else would be doing the same if they never slept at night, and I wouldn't judge them for it. I've been alive 39 years, and I'm lucky I've made it this far. I will allow myself all of the rest that my broken body requires to make it through that annoying part of the day called "awake", no matter how abnormal my schedule becomes.

I plan to budget, somehow, without fear and obsession.

I am a heavy-duty financial planner. I am determined to know where every dollar goes, and I have done so since I was a teen. That's a great thing, and I highly recommend it for anyone with an income, but I let it get to me to the point of anxiety and depression. I run out of money before the end of every month, and that's a challenging way to live. It's hard not to panic and meltdown. I think about what I shouldn't have spent money on. I beat myself up and try to find ways to avoid it the next month. I don't care for shopping. I don't have many possessions. I've done things like reschedule doc appointments and try to force myself into an unreasonable grocery allowance, and I still have no money by the end of the month. I have to allow myself to face the facts and remember that worrying isn't going to solve anything. I have to eat. I have to go to the doctor. I have to have transportation. I have to pay for insurance and keep the power on and buy toilet paper. I'm really good with money, but the fact of the matter is my income is too meager to not run out. It's just reality. While prioritizing my budget and basic necessities, I must also allow myself to exist in the real world as much as possible. That means occasionally participating in a pot luck, or attending a cheap local event with my walker in tow, or visiting relatives, or watching a movie with friends once a year. There's nothing wrong with living. It would be of more concern if I didn't try to do these things.

In a nutshell, I need to allow myself to do all things in the way it suits my survival and well-being, without regard to expectations or judgment.

Wish me luck.