A Better Person

I've been feeling like a thousand angry piranhas are chewing their way through my lower torso, but it was so beautiful outside, and I couldn't stand the thought of being confined to my apartment for another day, so I made the quick drive over to one of my favorite places: Bellingrath Gardens. I am lucky to live a mere 13 minutes away. I sat in the cafe and drank tea, watched the fountain, and pretended my insides weren't being stabbed by a dozen tiny samurais.

Photos don't even begin to do this place justice - especially my photos.

A fountain and a friend. :-)

The gift shop is nice. LOL

This is so cute.

In further rebellion, I went down the road to the park on Portersville Bay and sat for awhile.

This made me laugh. It said "Class of 2028" on the other side. Gotta love a kid's heart. I won't be birthing any myself, but I really love kids. They great.

While taking the pics, my muscles announced their impending meltdown, so I stopped immediately and made the 5 minute drive home, where effervescent potassium and my bed awaited.

Life has been turbulent for a long time, but it's not something I'll ever get used to. All I can do is propel myself through the day as I am able, or surrender as needed (because that's ok too, sometimes). After everything I've been through, learning to be kind to myself has proven to be a challenge, but I'm giving it my best effort. I can't help but wish I had understood 20 years ago what I do today; I would have avoided some trauma, without a doubt. I know I still have plenty to figure out about me, but who doesn't? After all, we are all a constant work in progress, right?

One of my 2018 goals is to tackle my stress and PTSD, not only for the sake of my mental and emotional health, but physical as well. HKPP and stress are sworn enemies, and I have to do whatever I can to kick my escape response to the curb. Not just for myself, but for those I allow into my strange, silly, broken, passionate, intense, unpredictable world. I think most people don't really know what to do with someone like me who has both fire and ice in their soul, but I will always appreciate those who try.

I'll keep trying, too. I'll never stop wanting to be a better person.

On This Episode: HKPP, Myotonia, Depression, Love, and Living Alone

Yes, the title is a play on words. I'm recovering from another episode of Periodic Paralysis, complete with myotonia in one leg and the rest of me mildly paralyzed. The pain when myotonia strikes is a 10 on the pain scale every time, resulting in yelling and nausea/vomiting and nearly passing out. Then I can't put my leg on the ground for hours or sometimes days because it's so drawn up. Occasionally, I am unable to keep food or drink in me for a day or three...that's where I am at the moment. Somewhat mobile again, but not functioning.

My body completely revolts when the bad episodes happen, and life is just terrible all-around. I face this alone, and my feelings fluctuate between being thankful nobody is here to have to deal with this and anger and despair over the world's complete lack of understanding. I realize there isn't a thing anybody can do for me, but a thread of "give a damn" would be kind. At the very least, I would feel like it matters whether I'm dead or alive. I'm not feeling it. I haven't for 30 years.

I read a lot of articles about love. It's an interesting subject to me, but I don't expect I will ever put the things I've read or learned into action with the exception of friendships, which are more important than I can express and I guard them with my life. I manage to be a dreamer and a realist at the same time. I lie in bed and imagine a different me, but the reality is that this is the me I'm stuck with and I'm glad that there is no man (or child) feeling trapped, anxious, and/or resentful. I refuse to coexist that way...I cannot do it. I am an empath and I would feel more sorry for my significant other than for myself, to the point of detriment. I know me. I love people just like anybody else. Dare I say, I am more passionate than some people, without a doubt. My love is intense.

And because of that love, I would never drag an innocent soul into my personal hell.