I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Friday, April 20, 2018

A Better Person

I've been feeling like a thousand angry piranhas are chewing their way through my lower torso, but it was so beautiful outside, and I couldn't stand the thought of being confined to my apartment for another day, so I made the quick drive over to one of my favorite places: Bellingrath Gardens. I am lucky to live a mere 13 minutes away. I sat in the cafe and drank tea, watched the fountain, and pretended my insides weren't being stabbed by a dozen tiny samurais.

Photos don't even begin to do this place justice - especially my photos.

A fountain and a friend. :-)

The gift shop is nice. LOL

This is so cute.

In further rebellion, I went down the road to the park on Portersville Bay and sat for awhile.

This made me laugh. It said "Class of 2028" on the other side. Gotta love a kid's heart. I won't be birthing any myself, but I really love kids. They great.

While taking the pics, my muscles announced their impending meltdown, so I stopped immediately and made the 5 minute drive home, where effervescent potassium and my bed awaited.

Life has been turbulent for a long time, but it's not something I'll ever get used to. All I can do is propel myself through the day as I am able, or surrender as needed (because that's ok too, sometimes). After everything I've been through, learning to be kind to myself has proven to be a challenge, but I'm giving it my best effort. I can't help but wish I had understood 20 years ago what I do today; I would have avoided some trauma, without a doubt. I know I still have plenty to figure out about me, but who doesn't? After all, we are all a constant work in progress, right?

One of my 2018 goals is to tackle my stress and PTSD, not only for the sake of my mental and emotional health, but physical as well. HKPP and stress are sworn enemies, and I have to do whatever I can to kick my escape response to the curb. Not just for myself, but for those I allow into my strange, silly, broken, passionate, intense, unpredictable world. I think most people don't really know what to do with someone like me who has both fire and ice in their soul, but I will always appreciate those who try.

I'll keep trying, too. I'll never stop wanting to be a better person.