I learned of Kay's death on Christmas at midnight.
My friend Robin's mom Tressie died today. Her daughter died in October. Sweetest people you'll ever meet. It has been a day of many tears.
I'm also remembering several friends this week who died years ago, including Deanna, Vicki, Sasha (Alexander) and Brandi. And of course Zollie, and my art student Mark who all died in the month of December. And I miss my grandparents.
Malisa is still in ICU. I hope for a miracle so she can go home to her family. She has an 11 year old daughter.
There is a lot of suffering and frustration with this pandemic. I worry about friends, family, and doctors. I don't think the COVID vaccine will be very safe for me (flu vaccine wrecks me badly), but I know I'm going to have to take it anyway, and just hope for the best. What's the alternative? There isn't one, especially living in a place that is being so profoundly stupid about this. I can't trust anyone. I had two scares, as I was exposed to COVID twice - the first time by a friend, the other by a relative - both times in an enclosed space. Miraculously, I didn't get it. I tested negative both times, and have no antibodies. I tested a third time before Thanksgiving, voluntarily at a free drive-thru, and received no results because Mobile County Health Department is careless. Not sure what the point was in opening "before you decide to travel" testing locations before the holidays if we weren't going to know one way or the other. At any rate, I didn't travel, and I know I was negative despite feeling like utter crap all the time.
We lost actress Dawn Wells today. She "socially distanced" on Christmas, and died of COVID anyway, six days later. There's not a lot of hope in that. It's pretty scary to think about.
I'm trying to get used to the fact that I need to stay home and stay away from everyone until further notice. I'm an introvert, but being completely shut off from the whole of society is not the same thing. The introvert jokes make me laugh and wince at the same time. I was fine for the first few months. Then things got worse, and there was good reason to be upset, frustrated, scared, and just plain tired of it all. But I'm preparing to do the right thing and continue to isolate in 2021. I stocked up on non-perishables. I resubscribed to a meal kit service, which starts January 6th, so ingredients will be delivered to my doorstep on a weekly basis. I'll drink a lot of soup, make artisan bread, and occasionally hit a drive-thru. No sit-down restaurants, no parks, and limited grocery store runs for perishables like dairy. My little brother gave me a gaming subscription to help me pass the time, and I have my other games, and I have art supplies and books to read and adult learning apps. I have a novel to finish! I still have social media to rant and rave and keep in touch with people who want to keep in touch with me. I remind myself that I'm safe where I am, and that I am fine as long as I have access to my meds and don't get any sicker.
I am deeply sad for the losses we've suffered, and as always, grief comes in waves. The best we can do is let it wash over us without getting pulled under. So let's all hang on for our lives; together, but apart.
