Dating and relationships. Blahhhhh. It's not for me, folks. At least, not at this time. I closed the relationship profile, and don't really want to talk about it. No matter how much therapy I put myself through or how many articles I read or how much I don't want to always be alone, I know in my heart I will always be better friend material than intimate partner by a thousand miles. My health is poor, and as I have always said on this blog, I am not comfortable dragging someone into my personal hell. I fight multiple life-threatening conditions daily and never get a break from it. I am tired tired tired. Everything hurts. There is too much ableism in the world, and it will never be overcome in my lifetime. My sense of not belonging here is deep and unmovable, so my priority must remain striving to stay alive and true to myself. That's the bottom line.
I have lovely people in my life who I am grateful to call friends.
My heart belongs to charity, and I am always trying to do something to make living seem worth it. There is so much pain, both literally and figuratively, and I am constantly looking for a way to ease it for others, and as a result, myself.
There isn't a thing I can do about my physical pain. I'm stuck with it. There is no hope there. So if I can do something to ease any other kind of pain in the world, the resolvable kind, I suppose, that is what I will do.
What I need is personal, self-fulfilling purpose. I was so ruined by religion, that it was drilled into my head that my purpose revolved around a man; his lead and his will, that somehow was supposed to benefit me because I was serving him? Gross. And sadly, that narrative still tries to barge in even though I know better now.
I absolutely refuse. It is not who I am. It is not who I want to be ever again.
I'm not opposed to having a companion someday, when I am feeling better and doing well enough to never, ever need him to do a damn thing for me. If I am with someone, it is because I want to be there and always have the means to walk away if I feel unsafe, disrespected, or unhappy. That's not where I am in life, and it didn't take long for me to realize it after presenting the notion. It felt wrong.
That's it. That's the blog.
