I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Sunday, July 15, 2018

My Digestive System is a Supervillain, and Other Rants

Today, I went to Mobile to stock up on non-perishable soups, drop off my recyclables, and attend my local board game group who I seem to only manage to see every few months.

Instead, I ended up camped out in the grocery store restroom doubled over with my stomach, and had to go home. No groceries, no recycling, and no time with the gaming group. I am done with this @#$%$#! disease, you guys. I'm dropping all gastro meds, at least temporarily. I am sick and tired of my day being ruined by my digestive system. I cannot exist like this. I'm lowering my calories again in hopes of decreasing my misery. It'll probably be Autumn now when I see my friends, and one of them will have already moved to the other side of the world. There's nothing I can do about any of this. I'm just angry and sad and needed to vent, that's all.

The quiet neighbor that I shared a wall with moved out. Her apartment is being renovated in a monstrously loud fashion, but it's not really bothering me that much. I'm only hoping the new neighbors will be decent and respectful. This place is like a box of chocolates - "you never know what you're gonna get" - yes, I just made a Forrest Gump joke about the real Bayou La Batre. This is my town. I can do that. :-P

Speaking of neighbors, George the resident rooster is already gone. I was afraid to ask what happened to him, but I finally did and was told that he decided to try to fight a resident in the building behind me, which resulted in a complaint. He ended up being given away. I can't say I'm surprised. He was a territorial little dude. As often as I went out to talk to him, I'm lucky he didn't attack me, lol. Farewell, George.

I live in one of the stormiest counties in the nation, so it's not a huge shocker that lightning zapped my CPAP machine a while back. Shocker...lightning...get it? I slay me. Anyway, I've decided not to replace it (as if I could afford to anyway). I wasn't sleeping any better, it was irritating my face and ears, and I almost always took it off in my sleep. It's time to call it a fail, and move on.

My phone is now being held together with duct tape, but other than its general lag and the fact that it doesn't allow a lot of apps (obsolete model), it seems to be working ok. If I happen to disappear from the internet, don't be alarmed. It only means the phone finally bit the dust. I'm hotspotting to do all of this ranting and raving, you know, and it's an unlimited family plan that I'm thankfully not responsible for. I am merely a grateful recipient of many.

If you do call, please let it ring long enough for the voice mail to come on. I don't know why people don't leave voice mails anymore. I tested it and voice mail does come on after 5 or 6 rings. Be patient, and leave a message if you want me to return your call. Texting is fine too, of course. I will hopefully be able to resolve the phone issue within the next year.

The car wouldn't start yesterday. Thankfully, my brother came to the rescue and jumped off my battery, which I am guessing will need to be replaced soon since it died for no reason. The car was also very low on radiator fluid, which I was thankfully able to resolve immediately. It looks like I'm going to have to keep a close eye on it like I did the Buick. It has a few problems, and I don't have a dime in which to deal with them. I'm extremely thankful to have a vehicle, at any rate.

I have doc appointments next week, but I'm having to reschedule them because I don't have any money or fuel to go. It'll be August or September before I can even think about it, or anything else. If anybody needs me, I'll be sitting here in my apartment drinking soup, reading books, and watching documentaries. I have $7.34 in the bank. In a week, it'll be pennies as usual.

I only share these details because, above all else that my readers have expressed, they've appreciated my transparency over the years. I am not a citizen of the GoFundMe universe, and don't want to be. It's not my nature. I am very matter-of-fact about my journey with systemic disease, however, and it is that realness that I feel sets me apart from the fluffy inspiration blogs out there. I'm fluffy in a fat and cuddly way, but not fluffy in a "if I could choose to be normal I'd say no thanks because my life rocks and I wouldn't change a thing" way. I read that very line in a medical blog, y'all, and I have no problem saying that she is lying through her big, pretty teeth. No one of sound mind wants their life to be bound by a debilitating disease. Sorry, not sorry.

In a nutshell, life is quite a mess. I've always survived with little money, and I've been worse off than this, but poverty will never not be stressful. The only silver lining is that no innocent soul is having to endure this with me. I know me, and I don't believe I could cope with putting a kid through such circumstances. I would have embraced the experience to the best of my ability had bearing children been God's plan, and I'll always live with at least some level of grief, but the brutally realistic side of me has to feel relieved that it wasn't meant to be.

I don't really know what else to say.