Meeting Allie

 

BIG YAWN :-)

She's perfect. Aunt Kelli is proud.

Internal Medicine 1/19/22

I returned to internal medicine today. Labs results will be in tomorrow afternoon. Kidney and abdominal X-ray is clear. CT scan will be scheduled to look for uric acid stones. Rare script for pain meds because I am SO TIRED OF EVERYTHING HURTING ALL THE TIME. My handicapped placard was renewed by Dr. B and I’ll go tomorrow to get that. I thanked him for helping me out of Jury Duty (not sure I even mentioned that here, but yeah I was summonsed). He knows I can’t do it, and was glad to hear they didn’t give me any further stress after receiving his letter. I’m grateful for his help as always.

My neighbor yelled that I was “fat” yesterday. I was weighed today in the office, as usual, and it hasn’t changed. In fact, I weigh the same today as I did 20 years ago. I’m just swollen from my medical conditions, and the neighbor can go take a long walk off a short pier. I know the 170s is overweight, but being built like a gladiator (nice work, genetics, you asshat), my normal is in the 150s. So I’m looking at 25 lbs to lose. Dr. B has shared no concern whatsoever about it, so it is strictly at my own discretion.

I received a call from Lifesouth with an urgent need. I told them I would be in to donate as soon as I can (Sunday or Monday, if I’m strong enough). I’m resting and slowly, painfully cleaning my apartment in the meantime. If you can donate blood, please consider it.

My next appointment is therapy, but it may be canceled due to covid (omicron is rampant here). I will find a way to keep myself going mentally, even though it's hard. My physical health is my #1 challenge, as always.

I’ll be back with other life stuff soon.

The grief continues as another friend is gone too soon

I am completely heartbroken that Malisa has passed away. She was still paralyzed in the hospital (since my last post a while back), and doctors had not yet figured out what was happening when she died.

She was the sweetest, most darling human, and fought so hard to not only live, but to enjoy life in spite of mitochondrial myopathy and periodic paralysis. She was truly incredible.

Please think of her 12 year old daughter Julianna and her partner in life David as they navigate through this devastating time.

No Thanks 2021, and Thoughts On A New Year

2021 was a nightmare, and 2022 is starting off a bit challenging, isn't it? I have a difficult time being optimistic when things are so terrible in so many ways, but I know I have to hang on to hope and continue on to the best of my ability. It is hard hard hard, but for now, it is still possible.

So here I am, with a giant word salad for my perseverant blog readers, who I appreciate far more than I have shown lately.

I experienced the deaths of over half a dozen people in 2021. Some were family. Some were long-time, precious friends, who played important roles in my life, and I miss them so much. I didn't get to attend a single memorial service or say goodbye (I somewhat said goodbye to Lorna, but not officially...just stayed in touch and told her what she meant to me, which I guess is the best a friend can do from another state). Then we (as in all of us) lost beloved icon Betty White, who has been a part of my life quite literally since the beginning of it. I appreciate some of the folks on "PsychTwitter" for speaking out about how valid and normal it is to grieve over the loss of public figures. Regardless of their ages or circumstances, it's painful for highly sensitive empaths to process that people we are comfortable with or look up to are suddenly no longer present in the world.

My health is a constant challenge, and the pain is never-ending, as it has been for many years. All I can do is take one day at a time, and choose to stay alive and keep going. I have moments when I want this to end. Those moments are daily. What I strive to do in those moments is try to observe without judgment from the point of view of someone else, and just wait it out until I can collect myself again. Sometimes, this effort goes poorly, but obviously not a total fail, since my stubborn self is still here. If I could wish for anything in 2021 regarding my health, it would be pain relief and the understanding of my doctors and loved ones. That's my wish every year, I suppose. Maybe it'll happen someday.

If you remember last year's "new year resolution" then you know there wasn't one. The goal was simply to survive. So mission accomplished, I guess! In addition to that, I gained:

- Many important conversations

- A new art skill, and even a few sales

- New info and further understanding of myself and others' identities

- Sweet new voices on social media *waves at all of the voice actors I started following*

- More love and care from friends than I will ever deserve - thank you endlessly for all you did for me this year as I struggled through deaths and illnesses and hurricanes and more

What I hope will happen in 2022:

- Survive. There are moments I cannot stand being alive, and I stay anyway. There are other moments when I am so physically ill, I think I'm not going to make it, but I make it anyway. So the goal is to keep surviving in spite of those dark moments.

- Support my favorite voice actors. I have met several in the past, but my dorky heart is absolutely set on saying "Hee-Ho Homie!" to Casey Mongillo's face before I die. I have reasons for caring about them that I cannot state in a public blog (ask privately, if you must). At any rate, Covid is big problem, but I am hoping to God this will happen in February. They are scheduled at an anime con in my state, so it's just a matter of the Con not getting canceled AND them not cancelling AND of course me being physically strong enough to attend. Fingers crossed.

- It is such a predictable thing to say, but I must reduce my weight. I stay stuck between 165-180, and can't get below that unless I am violently ill, which is a horrible way to lose pounds. Realistically, I need to be in the 150-160 range. That's about right for the way I'm built. As much as I would like to be ok with my body, I'm not. I'm extremely uncomfortable from the waist up, and on the verge of triple D, so I need to figure out a way to tackle this. It is beyond frustrating that exercise causes life-threatening episodes (ion channelopathies suck!), but I must do what I can diet-wise to get a handle on this.

- Return to therapy. I suspect I am going to need it for a long, long time. There is no fixing me. There is only management. So I must stay in the mindset that this is part of my medical treatment, and keep going even when I don't feel like it.

- Support more individual people. Last year, I supported Black businesses and charities. This past month, I reached out to certain individuals in the LGBTQIA+ community with words of encouragement, product purchases, and five or ten bucks here and there with a caring note attached. I want to keep doing that. I just joined a Patreon for the first time to support a Demi-Gray essay writer. Since I am also Demi-Gray, it helps me to know others are out there who understand me, and they are educating people about what being Demi means. I've noticed a fair amount of argument on social media, so I wanted another place to go where I can continue to learn in both solitude and solidarity.

- Control my iron-deficiency anemia so I can continue to donate blood to Sickle Cell patients.

- Learn to draw manga. I drew one as practice in 2021, but I want to get better at it. I am hooked on anime right now, so naturally the arteest wants to do her favorite characters justice in cute drawings. My health and motor skills are poor, but I am going to try. I'll share pics later.

- Find homes for the rest of my vases and candle holders, then focus on painting Christmas ornaments. I'll share pics later.

- Continue minimizing my apartment. I cannot stress enough how much of a mistake it was to collect things in my youth to give to future children. I beseech you, do not do this to yourself. I have so much stuff to find homes for, I get overwhelmed and anxious and hate my life. I am to the point that I am probably going to donate everything to a worthy cause and call it a financial loss. I did finally (!!!!!!!!!) unpack my books after six years of living here, so I've made a pretty good start in reorganizing. I'll share pics later.

Needless to say, my blog in 2022 will involve pics. I don't know what else will be shared, but at least there will be that.

Please, friends, readers, everyone: stay, keep going, and be as well as you can in these tough times.