Hi.
I know, I know. I keep saying I'm going to start blogging again, but then I get weary and push it further back on my list of things to do with my time. This has been a very hard year. Harder than I've let on, in some ways.
I reviewed my blog and noticed that I complained a great deal. It seems that's all I did. I wish that wasn't the case, but there's no turning back now. Due to not having wifi at home, and my phone signal being wonky half the time, I haven't turned on my laptop very often. I am currently at my bro's house babysitting his pup, and his wifi is downright beastly. So here I am! I think I'm going to just...unload a little. Ok?
I'm not sure where to begin. My brain has been so overwhelmed in 2021, I chose escapism in the form of all things Pokemon just to stay alive. I no longer play the card game (that thing I showed y'all a few years ago), but dove into the anime series again, as well as several video games. It has been a needed distraction from my constant pain. Not in any way a treatment, of course. I often sit and play my games while wishing for the pain to just end me already, but I recognize how important it is to keep my mind occupied and functioning in spite of it frequently convincing me that there's no point in being here hurting this much. Some people don't care for labels and diagnoses, but I am one of those people who needs these things in order to face them. Understanding that I have C-PTSD and Suicidal Ideation in addition to my physical ailments has increased my self-awareness and assisted me in management. I can't say I manage it all well, but I am still here, so that counts for something.
As for labels, you know at age 40, I discovered that my oddly specific form of sexuality had a name: Demisexual. I blogged about it three years ago, and over this time, I have become increasingly more aware of what being in a gray area means. I stated back then that the initials LGBT didn't apply to me, and that's true, but there seems to be a lot more initials attached to the community, so I do fall under the umbrella, most specifically the A-Spectrum. In that blog from 2018, I created a scale to show that I'm not Asexual, but I'm also not Sexual. I'm somewhere in between. I have learned so much from following Queer individuals and communities on social media, and I am grateful to them for educating me. I want people to understand that in the era I grew up in, the word Queer was highly derogatory, but that I have trained myself to accept the term to describe people who use the word as their identity. When we know better, we do better, as the saying goes. It's gravely important to evolve in this everchanging world, and I would never want to offend someone for being who they are. I have a sincere and sometimes heart-wrenching admiration for many people who fall into this category.
I'm still learning, and still processing my own life to understand myself. Now knowing that I'm Demi-Gray, and recalling (just this week, I realized this!) that I have a long history (since elementary school!) of having platonic crushes on gay men, the word Queer actually applies to me also. And here I was (for decades!) thinking I was an outsider simply doing my best to be an ally.
I really appreciated this article, which talks about the asexual spectrum and demisexuality. It's probably the best thing to ever come from Mashable.
Life is so strange. I used to absolutely hate the phrase "never say never" but the universe sure loves proving to me that I shouldn't say it. Ha! I won't say it has been a simple or happy thing; defying social constructs through no choice of your own is challenging at best, horrifying at average, and life-threatening at worst. I have experienced all of the above in the past, as well as the present. All I can say is that has been and will continue to be a work in progress.
That's what we all are anyway, right? A work in progress. At least, that's what we should be. I don't understand people who refuse education and reject changes for the betterment of humankind. Is it fear? Probably. But we can't force people to practice humility, accept education, or have courage. All of those things come from within. All we can do is be an example of what's possible.
That was a bit heavy, so thanks for reading.
My physical health remains a daily battle, and I have some scary times when I feel as though I am quite literally dying. If I ran off to the ER every time I felt this way, I'd have to set up camp in there. I ride out nearly all episodes at home, with the exception of dehydration or kidney stones. The migraines are out of control again, and I've had at least three stones this year (including the one trying to pass now). I feel like I'm going to drop dead when I do laundry, exert myself around the apartment, or run errands out in public. I've fallen or passed out a couple of times lately. My muscles are volatile. Sometimes they can't move (paralysis). Sometimes they move too much (myotonia). Most of the time, they move with intense effort and pain. Some ion channelopathies are a living nightmare, and lucky me [/s], I have more than one.
Should I finally reopen the medical blog, or just keep talking about it here? I'm still undecided. If I do go back to it, you'll find the link in my sidebar along with other links.
I have seemingly endless updates to make on my art blog as well. I stopped posting there a couple of years ago, and I have created a great deal since then. I may talk to someone about building a page for me and just start all over with a new art portfolio. Acrylic pouring has been fun, and I am starting to learn manga. My favorite will always be oils, I imagine. Despite the Bob Ross fiasco currently happening due to a documentary on Netflix (it's bad, y'all), I don't regret living in Florida for six weeks learning how to paint. And I would still return to Florida again if I could...although I would invest in other Arts next time around. There is an art center in New Smyrna Beach that I'd love to visit someday. Of course I'm too sick to go anywhere, so it's merely wishful thinking unless my health improves.
My brother and I have lost a lot of people this year. In addition to COVID and other deaths, he is going through a divorce, and almost lost his foot, and now he is having surgery in a few days. Christmas is canceled. Neither one of us have the health to think or care about it. I sent gifts to my nieces and nephews (because I'm still the cool Aunt, thanks) but otherwise, bro will be recovering from surgery and I will probably end up eating waffles. We'll see.
I did have a nice Thanksgiving. I was in a lot of pain, but visited family down the road at their beautiful bay home. I got to hug my precious cousin Tyler (he's my favorite) for the first time in years. We ate great food and I talked to family about my health. In a moment of bravery, I even mentioned the SI, but made it clear that I am managing. I don't know how they're feeling about our time together, but I'm glad I went. I shared pics on social media, if you're on there.
I have a new niece due in January. Her name will be Allie Mae. Even though I'm relieved I didn't bring a kid into this world (I've been abstinent for 18 years to make sure I didn't - you're welcome!) Aunt Kelli loves babies, and I can't wait to hold that little country bumpkin when she arrives.
Maybe I should stop here. This is a good place to close. I'll be back on NYE, if not sooner.
Much love to you all.
