The usual end-of-the-year overthinking: a goal review, new goals, and other thoughts

We are finally at the end of this crazy year. I, for one, am hoping to reset my mind and heart to embrace a new start. But first, it's time to review my 2018 goals to see how I fared.

1. Stick to the diet most ideal for my systemic disease.

Gastroparesis threw off my diet in the worst way. I had to switch from high protein and fat (muscular dystrophy diet) to a liquid and soft food diet that involved the least possible amount of fiber. I am still having to medicate, which produces harsh side effects, and every day is a challenge, but I am attempting to resume a solid diet. I have to fast fairly often, and I still stay far away from fiber in most cases. I'm taking things one day at a time.

2. Read more and write more, with frequent updates.

Wow, did I ever. I have read many more books this year than I have in years past. Hoopla and Overdrive have been a gift. My Goodreads tells me my count for 2018 is 62 books, but I did abandon 6 or 8, so I am somewhere in the 50s. I plan to continue this pace in 2019.

3. Study minimalism and document my ongoing effort.

I certainly did. I read several books and articles, I'm following minimalists on social media to stay motivated, and I've documented my progress here on the blog and on Facebook. My kitchen, dining room, and living room are fully decluttered. My problem areas are my bedroom closets and drawers. My storage room (the second bedroom) is just that - storage - but I still tidy it up sometimes to make sure things don't get too out of hand. I'll deal with the remainder of my apartment early in 2019, in fact, I'll be cleaning out my closet very soon.

4. Sort all paperwork for storing or shredding.

I did this, but oddly enough, I didn't find the big box of paperwork that I thought I still had lying around. All I can figure is that I already dealt with it at some point and I just don't remember doing so. The way my brain is these days, this is not too surprising.

5. Spend less idle time on the cray-cray interwebs.

Observers may disagree, but I did spend less time online. I was reading, listening to audio books and lectures, and sorting the apartment. So I know for a fact that I spent less time sitting on the internet. I've noticed that my Facebook has especially been quieter, as I use to post many times a day, and now I post around once or twice, if that. So progress! As for my Twitter: no comment. *runs away*

6. Either utilize art supplies, or get rid of them (yikes).

I let go of a whopping 27 stretched canvases from my teaching days, but I did use some of my supplies for a few projects. As always, I have more projects planned, and I'll share about them soon. I'm also still following that free online drawing course I've been talking about, and will be doing so for quite a while, as it is equivalent to a year of college. Thankfully I can lie on the couch and watch the professor draw, and work on my own drawings at my own pace as my condition allows. That is way different from going to college, which nearly killed me. People don't understand how much labor is involved in an art studio unless they subject themselves to it. It's hard. As my former instructor used to say, "if it was easy, everybody would be doing it".

7. Find effective methods for managing stress episodes.

This has been another challenging year. I'm on a low dose of medication now in an attempt to reduce my anxiety. I downloaded the Calm app on my phone. I attended a drum circle (something I failed to mention here). I'm currently looking for a counselor to discuss PTSD, and I have a couple of workbooks. I know I have issues, and I've held them in too long. I decided to start talking about it and reaching out to a few specific people who I felt were safe enough to tell how I was feeling without being misjudged. I knew I had to, because I had reached the point of implosion, and my mind was spiraling into thoughts of death. I won't let a single person shame me for it. I don't know anyone who could successfully live in this much pain with no relief for as long as I have and keep their cool. When I met with psychiatrists in 2014, that is exactly what they said also. I'm trying to learn to accept my brokenness so I can move forward in pursuing whatever wellness I can find.

If I'm not mistaken, this is the most successful list of annual goals I've ever tried to tackle.

I do have some new goals. Here they are in no particular order of importance:

1. Relearn basic conversational (Canadian) French

2. Relearn Chess and attempt to start a local group

3. Spend less idle time on my social media accounts

4. Pursue therapy, coping, and pain/stress management

5. Reopen art and craft sales strictly for charitable purposes

6. Catch up on all things Periodic Paralysis and update the blog
7. Work on my family tree, updating my blog and Ancestry account

That's about all I can handle. If French goes well, I would like to switch to Spanish.

Someone asked me how I've changed over the past year. My response and additional thoughts:

- I am slightly more educated. Even though I have trouble retaining information these days due to sleep deprivation and brain fog, I try to never stop learning.

- I've talked myself into pursuing various forms of therapy. If you must know the TMI: PTSD/anxiety cognitive therapy, pelvic floor therapy to deal with bladder and other pelvic issues, and eventually sex therapy if I find myself comfortable enough to benefit from it someday (today is not that day, thank you).

- I've opened my mind to the possibility of companionship. I'm not overly-excited, but I changed from a resounding "hell no" for the last fifteen years to a "well, maybe I'll think about it" after my 40th birthday. I don't know why turning forty did that to me. Frankly, I have no expectations. I have no intention of actively pursuing a romantic relationship, and it's probably not going to happen either way. I'm independent-minded. I can't allow anything but total respect for who I am and utmost patience with my limited abilities. I exist in chronic pain. And, I believe I'm too intense for most men to begin with.

I think I'm decent friend material in spite of my rocky life, so at least I've got that going for me. I know my tribe is out there somewhere. *waves hello* Have I mentioned how much I like living by myself? By all means, come over for dinner! Then go home. :-P

I've been on both Blogger and Facebook for ten years now. It's hard to believe either one has lasted this long, but here they are still occupying space in my head. That's not a complaint. I am lucky to have people all over the world reading my mess, and some of them genuinely care. I'm grateful to you for choosing to be a part of my turbulent world.

May I meet the new year with bravery and hope in my heart.

Have a safe and blessed 2019, friends.

The very Dollar General I choose to go to...

...and God knows there are plenty to choose from since there is one on every corner, I end up in the one with the visibly contagiously ill cashier.

And now I've got what he had.

Not amused, Dollar General. Not amused.

I had a rough night, but my fever has broken

so maybe I won't have to bother my doctor.

I pre-scheduled my annual NYE post the other day,

so it'll show up in the A.M. whether I'm online or not.

Talk to you soon. Be well, everyone.

Minimalist Apartment Update - December 2018

I love a clean and organized refrigerator.

I'm glad to say my kitchen is 100% decluttered.

My closet shelving is coming along.

And now, a special appearance by my Eeyore pajamas. :-)

Remember this post?

It's the end of the year,

so I tackled the closet!

This is going to the shelter.

I have empty hangers now, but still have plenty of clothing.

Thrift store shopping is my thing, and it is worth it.

I'll continue my efforts in 2019.

Thanks for following my progress!

Minimalist Budgeting (In Pictures)

I use cash in envelopes for bills that are paid in person. Other bills are paid online.

I have one basic bank account for the purpose of direct deposit.

I use Evernote to make a summary divided into "fixed" and "variable" expenses.
I realized later that OneDrive is fixed and moved it into the appropriate category.
Once the bill is paid, I type in the amount, then put a * when it clears the bank.

I use Evernote to make a list of groceries in the pantry, freezer, and fridge.
Taking inventory helps me to spend wisely.
It also helps with meal planning.
For example, I currently have a lot of carbs on-hand, but not enough solid protein.
This is due to the gastroparesis diet I've been on, but this month,
I have switched back to a low-fiber high protein diet.
So looking at inventory, I know not to buy any carbs or condiments,
but to put butter and soft meats on my shopping list.

I use Evernote to make a list of itemized expenses.
This is why I hoard receipts for a month at a time.
The expenses vary from time-to-time.
This time it was fabric softener. Next time it'll be shampoo. Etc.

I tried using other software, tables, and fancy templates, but they felt cluttered and unnecessary. My system looks basic and boring, but it works. I know what happens to my money, which is the point of budgeting. Since I review where each dollar goes, I am able to assess (and reassess to absolute death) my spending to see if and where I can make adjustments. The hard reality of budgeting social security income is seeing month after month that overspending is not really the issue. Most days, there just isn't enough money to cover everything to begin with.

I used to budget people's incomes for a living when I was a federal paralegal. I was required to take their paycheck stubs and force their take home pay into a spending plan. I had dealt with hundreds of clients by the time I was laid off. Between that experience and my parents' extreme penny pinching, I learned how to do this in my youth, and have been doing it ever since.

Minimalism isn't for everyone, but surely there's a system out there for everyone. This is the one that happens to work for me. Do whatever works for you!

My Big Fat 3 A.M Deliriously Sleep-Deprived Mental Health Video Blog

On Sexuality

Hi. This post is going to be a bit different, and very personal, and very long, but I do hope you'll hang in there to the end if you want to learn more about me, and perhaps others.

One of my good friends announced that she was asexual about 12 years ago. I wanted to learn more about it, so I joined her support group, AVEN, to ask questions. My last relationship had ended in 2003, and I had no desire at all to attempt any further romantic relationships. After speaking with her network, we all agreed that I was hetero-non-sexual, meaning straight and abstinent. I have remained so to this day.

I have a TON of reasons why I'm abstinent, none of which I will be getting into here. That's a choice I've made that I am allowed to change anytime I choose.

Sexuality is not a choice. It's the body's physiological response to sensory cues (visual, touch, smell, etc). That response produces feelings in the mind and physical body. When a sexual person sees, hears, feels, etc. someone that they find attractive, whether they know them or not, they feel things in their body and mind. That's a normal, involuntary response for the average sexual person.

I already knew I wasn't one of those people. When all of my 6th grade female classmates were crazy over NKOTB, my 25 year old coworkers were going on about Matthew McConaughey, concert buddies were swooning over nearly-naked Adam Levine, and my friends in their 30s and 40s were having parties to watch Magic Mike and Fifty Shades, I deadpanned every time. I had no interest whatsoever. I've always felt that this world is far too sexual and one of several reasons I don't belong in it. I still feel that way, but over the past week, I've educated myself and gained some understanding.

I ran across an article by accident the other day. It turns out that it has been decided (by scientists who study these things for a living) that there is a mid-range between asexual and sexual called demisexual. The term has existed since 2008, but I had never heard of it. This site explains it well. (It's a short summary. Please consider reading.) I can say for sure that I am hetero, but based on this and other websites, many demisexual traits strongly apply to me as well.

I wrote a private blog recently, and I've decided to go ahead and share it here:

-----begin

"bestlifeonline.com/demisexual

I'm definitely hetero. I do know that much. But I thought emotional attachment was just a normal part of this. Not truly caring about someone you have sex with has always seemed like some cold-hearted bullshit in my mind. I was raised on hellfire and brimstone, "foosball's the devil" style. It wasn't my default mindset, but it was pounded into me by my mother and church people, and it has taken a long time to rid myself of their paranoia, blame, fear, and loathing. Now that those people are removed, and I've gained some real knowledge and have total freedom to think and live for myself, I've made great strides to change the way I understand and interact with others. (So don't feel attacked, readers, because I'm not attacking other sexual orientations. I have friends all across the sexual spectrum now. I'm only explaining myself.)

#15 is not me for sure (dislike erotica/porn), but I can relate to many of the other facts in the article. I've said since my early teens that I'm not a sexual person. Also not asexual, and AVEN agrees. Hate the term "friendzoned" because you should be their friend first and foremost. Always thought of most people as too sexual. I have never considered that requiring an emotional connection with someone to feel sexually attracted to them as anything other than the correct way to operate, which is why I don't understand much of the population, and one of several reasons why I don't believe I belong here and frequently view the world as dismal and dangerous. I would honestly be horrified to be as sexual as some people I've encountered. They'll have sex with anyone, including people they can't stand, and I want to scream "What the hell is wrong with you?!" And now, the world is telling me that this is "normal" sexuality and mine is not? I admit I'm on the fence about that.

Maybe I'll bring this up to a counselor, but it's certainly not a problem to be solved. I'm so glad I don't want sex with people I don't love, and I don't envy those who do. The very thought baffles me/terrifies me/grosses me out. If that puts me in a gray area, I guess I'll accept that. It sounds ridiculous for it to not be the norm, though. Anything else doesn't make sense to me.

That's how all people feel, right? Whatever sexuality they are, they can't imagine being anything else because it feels right.

Huh."

-----end

Now that said, I'm no longer on the fence about it. Things that I questioned:

- my religious upbringing/sense of morality

- my serious medical conditions and chronic pain

- the psychological and sexual trauma I've experienced

But this article that I shared in the beginning answered those questions. The paragraph that drove it home for me was:

"Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction regardless of whether or not they have a close emotional bond with someone. They may have sexual feelings for attractive people on the street, classmates or coworkers they’ve barely spoken to, or celebrities. However, they may choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons: it might not be feasible or appropriate, they want to make sure the person is respectful and kind, it’s against their religious beliefs, they only want to have sex in a romantic relationship, etc. The difference is that demisexuals don’t start out with these sexual feelings at all."

Correct. I don't have those feelings at all. And much of what I've read so far is me without any hesitation whatsoever.

When I first talked to AVEN, the term demisexual didn't exist. They felt that I was hetero but abstinent, which I am. It's a no-brainer. It not only doesn't bother me to be abstinent, it doesn't make sense to me not to be, because I'm not in love.

When I meet someone that I feel compelled to analyze, sexy isn't the first word that comes to mind, but that doesn't mean I don't find certain men sexy. Is he a jerk? Then no, he's not sexy. Is he kind and respectful? He might be sexy, because his emotional quotient (E.Q.) and associated behavior determine how I respond to him. Of course, other character traits matter too; I certainly don't want to throw myself at any man who is emotional or nice. I have standards like everybody else. Strict ones, in fact, for the sake of my health and safety. However, I do have "crushes" sometimes, for lack of a better word, and I've absolutely experienced the agony of a broken heart. I must make clear that I don't lack feelings. It's simply that sexual attraction has a prerequisite of deep emotional connection.

None of this should be a concern to anyone. When I talked about it on Facebook, a friend asked me if this makes me feel heard or feel safer. I feel a combination of different and relieved, but I've always known I was different sexually, I just didn't know it had a name. I guess overall it helps that it has a name, and it is a relief to finally be properly acknowledged. I think acquaintances should definitely feel at ease knowing this about me, but I don't necessarily feel safer myself. I'm pretty horrified that sexual urges/responses to others at random (as the article says, people on the street, coworkers, etc) applies to the majority. I don't mean they feel that way about me (don't flatter myself, ha...I wouldn't do that) but I'm glad I am not like that because it sounds frustrating and scary. It explains a lot about the world, however, and I'll have to work on accepting that. So I still have mixed feelings about who I am being considered a deviation from the norm, but this is without question where I am on a sexual scale. I find that sexual content (jokes, movies, TV, internet) makes me uncomfortable in a grossed-out way, and now I understand why (no emotional connection). And even though I can laugh at someone's statements or think strangers are handsome or gorgeous or whatever, it's not a sexual urge. I don't feel anything physical for them, I just think they're funny or have a nice face or something, and in my heart I hope they are good people. I might want to get to know them better, and getting to know them better may very well lead to something more, but it's not a matter of urgency or sexual energy. For someone who is demisexual, a relationship would have to be built upon a foundation of emotional support in order to feel attracted or be aroused, and the emotional bond must be consistent if attraction is to be consistent. All of this is NOT associated with my divorce, in fact, I'm willing to bet most demisexual people are married, or at least have tried to be at some point. I've been single for 15 years and I don't regret it, but now I know how to explain what my needs are and how my body works if I ever consider dating, as well as know what kind of man I should allow into my world.

I'm an artist, therefore I made a gray scale. 🙂 

Am I putting myself in the LGBT category? No. I don't belong there.

I am a heterosexual CIS female, and I know enough about the LGBT community to know they don't like it when straight people try to force themselves into that space.

I may fall into a slightly gray area on the scale in regards to my level of involuntary sexual response, but my orientation is straight so the initials LGBT do not apply to me. I am an ally.

I feel that all of this is merely a side note. My body may not respond to visual or other sensory cues like someone else's body, but it can respond under the right conditions, and I would consider loving the right person if he came along. He must bring genuine friendship, respect, and feelings to the table if he expects intimacy. Otherwise, it's a matter no different than any other romantic pursuit. Some people are attractive. Some aren't. Some relationships work. Some don't. There are no guarantees no matter who you are.

In conclusion, it's not that complicated. 🙂

Well, relationships in general are complicated. But this sex stuff is the least of it, in my opinion. If a man considers sexual activity the most important thing, has a closed mind in regards to how it should go down, thinks men and women can't be true friends, and believes emotions are a problem, he has no business bothering me to begin with. There are real issues to be concerned about. My health is an absolute wreck. This country is in peril. There is a lot of suffering in the world. If we have to worry about something, let's worry about that. Sex is a non-issue when you have patience, a good heart, and an open mind.

(Says the woman who hasn't been with a man since 2003.)

Anyway, it turns out being validated is nice even when you don't need it. I'm glad I ran across the information, and I hope others have learned something too.

Thanks for being here.

2018 Project for Awesome

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/project-for-awesome-2018?#/

Some of my favorite people are hosting another annual Project for Awesome!

Organizations who will benefit include Save The Children and Partners In Health.

The funding page (linked under the photo) has launched, and the live stream begins tomorrow.

Goooooooo!

Oh dear, I think they've figured me out.