The usual end-of-the-year overthinking: a goal review, new goals, and other thoughts

We are finally at the end of this crazy year. I, for one, am hoping to reset my mind and heart to embrace a new start. But first, it's time to review my 2018 goals to see how I fared.

1. Stick to the diet most ideal for my systemic disease.

Gastroparesis threw off my diet in the worst way. I had to switch from high protein and fat (muscular dystrophy diet) to a liquid and soft food diet that involved the least possible amount of fiber. I am still having to medicate, which produces harsh side effects, and every day is a challenge, but I am attempting to resume a solid diet. I have to fast fairly often, and I still stay far away from fiber in most cases. I'm taking things one day at a time.

2. Read more and write more, with frequent updates.

Wow, did I ever. I have read many more books this year than I have in years past. Hoopla and Overdrive have been a gift. My Goodreads tells me my count for 2018 is 62 books, but I did abandon 6 or 8, so I am somewhere in the 50s. I plan to continue this pace in 2019.

3. Study minimalism and document my ongoing effort.

I certainly did. I read several books and articles, I'm following minimalists on social media to stay motivated, and I've documented my progress here on the blog and on Facebook. My kitchen, dining room, and living room are fully decluttered. My problem areas are my bedroom closets and drawers. My storage room (the second bedroom) is just that - storage - but I still tidy it up sometimes to make sure things don't get too out of hand. I'll deal with the remainder of my apartment early in 2019, in fact, I'll be cleaning out my closet very soon.

4. Sort all paperwork for storing or shredding.

I did this, but oddly enough, I didn't find the big box of paperwork that I thought I still had lying around. All I can figure is that I already dealt with it at some point and I just don't remember doing so. The way my brain is these days, this is not too surprising.

5. Spend less idle time on the cray-cray interwebs.

Observers may disagree, but I did spend less time online. I was reading, listening to audio books and lectures, and sorting the apartment. So I know for a fact that I spent less time sitting on the internet. I've noticed that my Facebook has especially been quieter, as I use to post many times a day, and now I post around once or twice, if that. So progress! As for my Twitter: no comment. *runs away*

6. Either utilize art supplies, or get rid of them (yikes).

I let go of a whopping 27 stretched canvases from my teaching days, but I did use some of my supplies for a few projects. As always, I have more projects planned, and I'll share about them soon. I'm also still following that free online drawing course I've been talking about, and will be doing so for quite a while, as it is equivalent to a year of college. Thankfully I can lie on the couch and watch the professor draw, and work on my own drawings at my own pace as my condition allows. That is way different from going to college, which nearly killed me. People don't understand how much labor is involved in an art studio unless they subject themselves to it. It's hard. As my former instructor used to say, "if it was easy, everybody would be doing it".

7. Find effective methods for managing stress episodes.

This has been another challenging year. I'm on a low dose of medication now in an attempt to reduce my anxiety. I downloaded the Calm app on my phone. I attended a drum circle (something I failed to mention here). I'm currently looking for a counselor to discuss PTSD, and I have a couple of workbooks. I know I have issues, and I've held them in too long. I decided to start talking about it and reaching out to a few specific people who I felt were safe enough to tell how I was feeling without being misjudged. I knew I had to, because I had reached the point of implosion, and my mind was spiraling into thoughts of death. I won't let a single person shame me for it. I don't know anyone who could successfully live in this much pain with no relief for as long as I have and keep their cool. When I met with psychiatrists in 2014, that is exactly what they said also. I'm trying to learn to accept my brokenness so I can move forward in pursuing whatever wellness I can find.

If I'm not mistaken, this is the most successful list of annual goals I've ever tried to tackle.

I do have some new goals. Here they are in no particular order of importance:

1. Relearn basic conversational (Canadian) French

2. Relearn Chess and attempt to start a local group

3. Spend less idle time on my social media accounts

4. Pursue therapy, coping, and pain/stress management

5. Reopen art and craft sales strictly for charitable purposes

6. Catch up on all things Periodic Paralysis and update the blog
7. Work on my family tree, updating my blog and Ancestry account

That's about all I can handle. If French goes well, I would like to switch to Spanish.

Someone asked me how I've changed over the past year. My response and additional thoughts:

- I am slightly more educated. Even though I have trouble retaining information these days due to sleep deprivation and brain fog, I try to never stop learning.

- I've talked myself into pursuing various forms of therapy. If you must know the TMI: PTSD/anxiety cognitive therapy, pelvic floor therapy to deal with bladder and other pelvic issues, and eventually sex therapy if I find myself comfortable enough to benefit from it someday (today is not that day, thank you).

- I've opened my mind to the possibility of companionship. I'm not overly-excited, but I changed from a resounding "hell no" for the last fifteen years to a "well, maybe I'll think about it" after my 40th birthday. I don't know why turning forty did that to me. Frankly, I have no expectations. I have no intention of actively pursuing a romantic relationship, and it's probably not going to happen either way. I'm independent-minded. I can't allow anything but total respect for who I am and utmost patience with my limited abilities. I exist in chronic pain. And, I believe I'm too intense for most men to begin with.

I think I'm decent friend material in spite of my rocky life, so at least I've got that going for me. I know my tribe is out there somewhere. *waves hello* Have I mentioned how much I like living by myself? By all means, come over for dinner! Then go home. :-P

I've been on both Blogger and Facebook for ten years now. It's hard to believe either one has lasted this long, but here they are still occupying space in my head. That's not a complaint. I am lucky to have people all over the world reading my mess, and some of them genuinely care. I'm grateful to you for choosing to be a part of my turbulent world.

May I meet the new year with bravery and hope in my heart.

Have a safe and blessed 2019, friends.

The very Dollar General I choose to go to...

...and God knows there are plenty to choose from since there is one on every corner, I end up in the one with the visibly contagiously ill cashier.

And now I've got what he had.

Not amused, Dollar General. Not amused.

I had a rough night, but my fever has broken

so maybe I won't have to bother my doctor.

I pre-scheduled my annual NYE post the other day,

so it'll show up in the A.M. whether I'm online or not.

Talk to you soon. Be well, everyone.

Minimalist Apartment Update - December 2018

I love a clean and organized refrigerator.

I'm glad to say my kitchen is 100% decluttered.

My closet shelving is coming along.

And now, a special appearance by my Eeyore pajamas. :-)

Remember this post?

It's the end of the year,

so I tackled the closet!

This is going to the shelter.

I have empty hangers now, but still have plenty of clothing.

Thrift store shopping is my thing, and it is worth it.

I'll continue my efforts in 2019.

Thanks for following my progress!

Minimalist Budgeting (In Pictures)

I use cash in envelopes for bills that are paid in person. Other bills are paid online.

I have one basic bank account for the purpose of direct deposit.

I use Evernote to make a summary divided into "fixed" and "variable" expenses.
I realized later that OneDrive is fixed and moved it into the appropriate category.
Once the bill is paid, I type in the amount, then put a * when it clears the bank.

I use Evernote to make a list of groceries in the pantry, freezer, and fridge.
Taking inventory helps me to spend wisely.
It also helps with meal planning.
For example, I currently have a lot of carbs on-hand, but not enough solid protein.
This is due to the gastroparesis diet I've been on, but this month,
I have switched back to a low-fiber high protein diet.
So looking at inventory, I know not to buy any carbs or condiments,
but to put butter and soft meats on my shopping list.

I use Evernote to make a list of itemized expenses.
This is why I hoard receipts for a month at a time.
The expenses vary from time-to-time.
This time it was fabric softener. Next time it'll be shampoo. Etc.

I tried using other software, tables, and fancy templates, but they felt cluttered and unnecessary. My system looks basic and boring, but it works. I know what happens to my money, which is the point of budgeting. Since I review where each dollar goes, I am able to assess (and reassess to absolute death) my spending to see if and where I can make adjustments. The hard reality of budgeting social security income is seeing month after month that overspending is not really the issue. Most days, there just isn't enough money to cover everything to begin with.

I used to budget people's incomes for a living when I was a federal paralegal. I was required to take their paycheck stubs and force their take home pay into a spending plan. I had dealt with hundreds of clients by the time I was laid off. Between that experience and my parents' extreme penny pinching, I learned how to do this in my youth, and have been doing it ever since.

Minimalism isn't for everyone, but surely there's a system out there for everyone. This is the one that happens to work for me. Do whatever works for you!

My Big Fat 3 A.M Deliriously Sleep-Deprived Mental Health Video Blog

On Sexuality

Hi. This post is going to be a bit different, and very personal, and very long, but I do hope you'll hang in there to the end if you want to learn more about me, and perhaps others.

One of my good friends announced that she was asexual about 12 years ago. I wanted to learn more about it, so I joined her support group, AVEN, to ask questions. My last relationship had ended in 2003, and I had no desire at all to attempt any further romantic relationships. After speaking with her network, we all agreed that I was hetero-non-sexual, meaning straight and abstinent. I have remained so to this day.

I have a TON of reasons why I'm abstinent, none of which I will be getting into here. That's a choice I've made that I am allowed to change anytime I choose.

Sexuality is not a choice. It's the body's physiological response to sensory cues (visual, touch, smell, etc). That response produces feelings in the mind and physical body. When a sexual person sees, hears, feels, etc. someone that they find attractive, whether they know them or not, they feel things in their body and mind. That's a normal, involuntary response for the average sexual person.

I already knew I wasn't one of those people. When all of my 6th grade female classmates were crazy over NKOTB, my 25 year old coworkers were going on about Matthew McConaughey, concert buddies were swooning over nearly-naked Adam Levine, and my friends in their 30s and 40s were having parties to watch Magic Mike and Fifty Shades, I deadpanned every time. I had no interest whatsoever. I've always felt that this world is far too sexual and one of several reasons I don't belong in it. I still feel that way, but over the past week, I've educated myself and gained some understanding.

I ran across an article by accident the other day. It turns out that it has been decided (by scientists who study these things for a living) that there is a mid-range between asexual and sexual called demisexual. The term has existed since 2008, but I had never heard of it. This site explains it well. (It's a short summary. Please consider reading.) I can say for sure that I am hetero, but based on this and other websites, many demisexual traits strongly apply to me as well.

I wrote a private blog recently, and I've decided to go ahead and share it here:

-----begin

"bestlifeonline.com/demisexual

I'm definitely hetero. I do know that much. But I thought emotional attachment was just a normal part of this. Not truly caring about someone you have sex with has always seemed like some cold-hearted bullshit in my mind. I was raised on hellfire and brimstone, "foosball's the devil" style. It wasn't my default mindset, but it was pounded into me by my mother and church people, and it has taken a long time to rid myself of their paranoia, blame, fear, and loathing. Now that those people are removed, and I've gained some real knowledge and have total freedom to think and live for myself, I've made great strides to change the way I understand and interact with others. (So don't feel attacked, readers, because I'm not attacking other sexual orientations. I have friends all across the sexual spectrum now. I'm only explaining myself.)

#15 is not me for sure (dislike erotica/porn), but I can relate to many of the other facts in the article. I've said since my early teens that I'm not a sexual person. Also not asexual, and AVEN agrees. Hate the term "friendzoned" because you should be their friend first and foremost. Always thought of most people as too sexual. I have never considered that requiring an emotional connection with someone to feel sexually attracted to them as anything other than the correct way to operate, which is why I don't understand much of the population, and one of several reasons why I don't believe I belong here and frequently view the world as dismal and dangerous. I would honestly be horrified to be as sexual as some people I've encountered. They'll have sex with anyone, including people they can't stand, and I want to scream "What the hell is wrong with you?!" And now, the world is telling me that this is "normal" sexuality and mine is not? I admit I'm on the fence about that.

Maybe I'll bring this up to a counselor, but it's certainly not a problem to be solved. I'm so glad I don't want sex with people I don't love, and I don't envy those who do. The very thought baffles me/terrifies me/grosses me out. If that puts me in a gray area, I guess I'll accept that. It sounds ridiculous for it to not be the norm, though. Anything else doesn't make sense to me.

That's how all people feel, right? Whatever sexuality they are, they can't imagine being anything else because it feels right.

Huh."

-----end

Now that said, I'm no longer on the fence about it. Things that I questioned:

- my religious upbringing/sense of morality

- my serious medical conditions and chronic pain

- the psychological and sexual trauma I've experienced

But this article that I shared in the beginning answered those questions. The paragraph that drove it home for me was:

"Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction regardless of whether or not they have a close emotional bond with someone. They may have sexual feelings for attractive people on the street, classmates or coworkers they’ve barely spoken to, or celebrities. However, they may choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons: it might not be feasible or appropriate, they want to make sure the person is respectful and kind, it’s against their religious beliefs, they only want to have sex in a romantic relationship, etc. The difference is that demisexuals don’t start out with these sexual feelings at all."

Correct. I don't have those feelings at all. And much of what I've read so far is me without any hesitation whatsoever.

When I first talked to AVEN, the term demisexual didn't exist. They felt that I was hetero but abstinent, which I am. It's a no-brainer. It not only doesn't bother me to be abstinent, it doesn't make sense to me not to be, because I'm not in love.

When I meet someone that I feel compelled to analyze, sexy isn't the first word that comes to mind, but that doesn't mean I don't find certain men sexy. Is he a jerk? Then no, he's not sexy. Is he kind and respectful? He might be sexy, because his emotional quotient (E.Q.) and associated behavior determine how I respond to him. Of course, other character traits matter too; I certainly don't want to throw myself at any man who is emotional or nice. I have standards like everybody else. Strict ones, in fact, for the sake of my health and safety. However, I do have "crushes" sometimes, for lack of a better word, and I've absolutely experienced the agony of a broken heart. I must make clear that I don't lack feelings. It's simply that sexual attraction has a prerequisite of deep emotional connection.

None of this should be a concern to anyone. When I talked about it on Facebook, a friend asked me if this makes me feel heard or feel safer. I feel a combination of different and relieved, but I've always known I was different sexually, I just didn't know it had a name. I guess overall it helps that it has a name, and it is a relief to finally be properly acknowledged. I think acquaintances should definitely feel at ease knowing this about me, but I don't necessarily feel safer myself. I'm pretty horrified that sexual urges/responses to others at random (as the article says, people on the street, coworkers, etc) applies to the majority. I don't mean they feel that way about me (don't flatter myself, ha...I wouldn't do that) but I'm glad I am not like that because it sounds frustrating and scary. It explains a lot about the world, however, and I'll have to work on accepting that. So I still have mixed feelings about who I am being considered a deviation from the norm, but this is without question where I am on a sexual scale. I find that sexual content (jokes, movies, TV, internet) makes me uncomfortable in a grossed-out way, and now I understand why (no emotional connection). And even though I can laugh at someone's statements or think strangers are handsome or gorgeous or whatever, it's not a sexual urge. I don't feel anything physical for them, I just think they're funny or have a nice face or something, and in my heart I hope they are good people. I might want to get to know them better, and getting to know them better may very well lead to something more, but it's not a matter of urgency or sexual energy. For someone who is demisexual, a relationship would have to be built upon a foundation of emotional support in order to feel attracted or be aroused, and the emotional bond must be consistent if attraction is to be consistent. All of this is NOT associated with my divorce, in fact, I'm willing to bet most demisexual people are married, or at least have tried to be at some point. I've been single for 15 years and I don't regret it, but now I know how to explain what my needs are and how my body works if I ever consider dating, as well as know what kind of man I should allow into my world.

I'm an artist, therefore I made a gray scale. 🙂 

Am I putting myself in the LGBT category? No. I don't belong there.

I am a heterosexual CIS female, and I know enough about the LGBT community to know they don't like it when straight people try to force themselves into that space.

I may fall into a slightly gray area on the scale in regards to my level of involuntary sexual response, but my orientation is straight so the initials LGBT do not apply to me. I am an ally.

I feel that all of this is merely a side note. My body may not respond to visual or other sensory cues like someone else's body, but it can respond under the right conditions, and I would consider loving the right person if he came along. He must bring genuine friendship, respect, and feelings to the table if he expects intimacy. Otherwise, it's a matter no different than any other romantic pursuit. Some people are attractive. Some aren't. Some relationships work. Some don't. There are no guarantees no matter who you are.

In conclusion, it's not that complicated. 🙂

Well, relationships in general are complicated. But this sex stuff is the least of it, in my opinion. If a man considers sexual activity the most important thing, has a closed mind in regards to how it should go down, thinks men and women can't be true friends, and believes emotions are a problem, he has no business bothering me to begin with. There are real issues to be concerned about. My health is an absolute wreck. This country is in peril. There is a lot of suffering in the world. If we have to worry about something, let's worry about that. Sex is a non-issue when you have patience, a good heart, and an open mind.

(Says the woman who hasn't been with a man since 2003.)

Anyway, it turns out being validated is nice even when you don't need it. I'm glad I ran across the information, and I hope others have learned something too.

Thanks for being here.

2018 Project for Awesome

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/project-for-awesome-2018?#/

Some of my favorite people are hosting another annual Project for Awesome!

Organizations who will benefit include Save The Children and Partners In Health.

The funding page (linked under the photo) has launched, and the live stream begins tomorrow.

Goooooooo!

Oh dear, I think they've figured me out.

Want to help 100 kids for 19 bucks?

Seeing as my own father barely survived Polio in infancy, this is a pretty significant thing for me personally. I'm really glad I saw it on Twitter.

https://www.market.unicefusa.org/inspired-gifts/polio-vaccines-to-protect-100-children/S359190/

What a small sacrifice to potentially save 100 lives. We can thank Jonas Salk for choosing not to patent the vaccine, making it affordable and accessible. We owe it to him that Poliomyelitis is nearing worldwide eradication today. Let's keep it going.

Almost 1500 Questions Answered

AskFM is a crazy site, but I enjoy it most of the time. It has been a nice distraction, and I've received far more questions than I ever thought I would. Disclaimer: they allow users to ask themselves questions, but I have NEVER done that. That's too weird even for me.

Many of the questions I receive are anonymous, which is fine. I answer most of them. Here are a few that I think are worth sharing:

What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152165444719

What movies inspire you?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152259803503

What can you promise to your friends?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152680628847

What is your ideal girlfriend/boyfriend? In general, what are your preferences?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152691877743

What makes you different from others?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152774284143

This one is worth sharing for a different reason. Do us both a favor and never do this to me again:
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152877107823
I would like to think they meant well, which is why I didn't rip them apart, but their statement was ableist and lacked empathy. Not only did they say my suffering could be my own fault for not living the right religion, when I explained why I was rejecting their statement, they unfriended me and left like a coward. That proves they had no intention of actually being a friend; they only saw an opportunity to be self-righteous, and took it at my expense.

I grew up in a realm of obsessive charismatic Christianity that accused, blamed, neglected, and abused me for being chronically ill. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with it, and it has taken me a long time to stand up for myself and remove those people from my life. I am not about to allow it back in. I don't think too highly of myself, but I do believe I deserve better than that. Thanks in advance for respecting my boundaries.

This one made me laugh: The entire world stands still for one day, but not you. What do you do?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152991738223
If the world suddenly stood still, we would be flung into space. There's your science lesson of the day. LOL

Such a cool question; I enjoyed this one:
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/152994437743

What are some things in life (can include your future wants/needs) that you will not compromise on and why?
https://ask.fm/ugottafriend/answers/153035259503


Thanks for the questions!
Ask me anything, but keep it appropriate. I block creeps and trolls.

Thanksgiving Foodness

Kitchen Owl guards the turkey. :-)

It was the first time I've tackled a turkey since I was a clueless 22-year-old. It was so good.
Thank you, Penzey's Spices, for the Bavarian seasoning and the wonderful Bay Leaves.

Testing the mashed potatoes like a good chef. ;-)

My vegetable of choice: green beans cooked to absolute death, so I could safely digest them.

The garlic herb bread rose all day. I was about to put it in the oven here. It turned out incredible.

When I cook a bird, I use the whole thing.
After carving, all non-meat parts go into the slow cooker to make stock!
I let it cool overnight, then turned right around and used it to make soup.
This is one of the few times I like leftovers!

Turkey Ramen!

There are a couple of videos on Instagram in addition to these pictures. I didn't sleep for over 24 hours, and I really struggled, but I survived. I'm relieved that everything turned out so well.

I'm currently watching the Iron Bowl (Roll Tide) and eating soup. I hope everyone in the States had a nice holiday, and happy weekend to everyone else.

Talk to you soon.

Systemic Disease, Depression, and Holiday Plans

My Amazon wish list is pretty boring this year. I honestly just need (really, really, really need) a dishwasher. My chronic pain level makes me want to die sometimes, and, I admit, far more often lately than usual. I'm trying to find any way that I can to make my life a little easier. I'm setting up a Jet.com (edit: make that Target.com instead) account soon to start ordering basic needs from them (toilet paper, etc). Since flu season is upon us, I'll have to start staying home more often, which means preparing meals daily. I've started ordering from Schwan's Home Service again, so I have food in the freezer on days I am able to eat solid food. I have soup broths in the pantry and protein drinks in the fridge for days when I'm stuck on liquids.

Ironically, I'm in charge of most of Thanksgiving luncheon this year. Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, and homemade bread are what I've committed to. My sister in law is making dressing and buying desserts and drinks. I've recruited my stepfather to come over that morning to transport the turkey for me since I am unlikely to be able to carry it myself. Hopefully everything will turn out fine, and maybe I'll be able to eat.

I've lost 23 pounds this year due to digestive paralysis, but never fear, I'm still as plump as the turkey currently residing in my freezer. I have another 20 pounds to go before weight becomes a noticeable issue, and I'm optimistic that I'll never truly become underweight. Frozen coffee is making sure of that.

As for my turmoil, I reached out to a few friends in Mississippi to let them know how I was feeling. We had dinner and talked. It was nice, and I appreciate that they listened. I am a tremendous introvert, but I'm learning to recognize when it's time to interact. Finding the right people in which to do that is usually the main issue, other than my physical limitations (I'm not always able to sit up and drive, for example). I hate living rural, and I feel like I would have more options for making friends if I was at least in the nearest city. It's complicated, but I'm trying.

I'll start counseling early next year, if I can. It depends solely on my available funds. Existing on minimal social security disability is very challenging. I recommend avoiding it as long as reasonably possible. I didn't have a choice. It was life or death for me.

I'm closing in on the NaNoWriMo finish line, and will reach the goal by Thanksgiving as long as I don't stop writing. Talk to you soon. xo

A Grumpy November Update

NaNoWriMo was a mistake. I've been writing about my life, and it couldn't be more dreadful. I hate everything. I want to end NaNo now (wanted to by the 8th, truth be told), but I'm going to push through to the end. Some of the content is worth keeping. Some of it sucks. Either way, I'm bored out of my mind, and often depressed. Blogging usually helps, but lately, I don't even want to do that.

Exhaustion and chronic pain are the underlying issue, I realize. It brings me to tears lately, and I'm not usually a crier where that is concerned. I also went to the doc last week, and I'm so frustrated with their negligence I want to throw all of my medication in the trash and say to hell with staying alive. I know I need to stop letting them get to me that badly, but I'm forced to rely on people who are unreachable and unconcerned with the fact that my condition declines every time they ignore and/or screw up my medication paperwork. I end up temporarily losing an expensive medication from my regimen because insurance denies coverage, and I have to wait a week or two or five for it to be corrected. So I'm on a med, then off of it, then on it again, then off of it again, etc. every few months. It's not safe, but I'm made to feel bad for getting mad and making them address it because they're busy. I know that, and I've never once implied that I'm their only patient. I just need people to get this right because they are directly affecting my muscle strength. The alternative is to stop the medication altogether and suffer. That's obviously the wrong answer.

But I don't have the right answer, either. And I'm so freaking tired of this.

I am physically stronger on the medication, but the frequent stress on my body and mind over consistently obtaining it is making me wish all of this would be over. I'm as calm as always on the outside, but internally, I'm not coping. I think about dying too much; both wanting and not wanting to do it.

I watched more footage of the HKPP conference in Dublin, and couldn't wrap my brain around all of the new info. My cognition isn't in the best shape. I am no good at this, or to anyone anymore. I would probably benefit from a companion to help me sort out things sometimes, but who would want to deal with all of this, or with me at all? I don't even want to deal with me, and it angers and upsets me that I feel like wanting anybody to do anything for me. I'm a mess.

There is not enough sleep on this planet, but I'm going to try to achieve some. I've reached out to some friends in Mississippi, and I'm going to drive over there for a get-together tomorrow night. May it be a remedy for my dying sanity, or at least a band-aid. I'll take anything.

A couple of links to help folks affected by the California wildfires

I could research for days and not do any better than NYT did on this list. Check it out.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/11/reader-center/california-fires-how-to-help.html

Sean Astin is also raising funds, and giving some of his own. He's a trustworthy source and will make sure money does directly into the hands of people in his region who've been affected. He and his family evacuated, but thankfully did not lose their home.

https://www.gofundme.com/woolsey-fire-support

As I'm sure you're aware, there have been so many losses. This is the largest wildfire disaster in California history. I've lost a great deal in hurricanes, but I can't imagine a fire loss. It is one of my worst nightmares, and it breaks my heart to see what's happening.

Let's help people if we can.

Wordless Wednesday 11/14/18

Excelsior

You were the best of humans, Stan Lee.

Thanks for all you did for young people all over the world.

Your long, successful life was well-deserved.

Rest in peace.

1922-2018

I want to talk about someone who died ten years ago.

http://blog.al.com/live/2008/12/dentists_no_need_to_fear.html

My stepfather's biological son, Ryan, age 29 and a single father, had a toothache that he was too scared to address. He had a fear of needles and refused to go to the dentist, even when his tooth was noticeably infected and his relatives begged him to deal with it. He came home from work one day with a swollen jaw, said he couldn't hear out of his ear, and went to the bathroom. He didn't come out. The infection had reached his brain, and he was diagnosed with a massive stroke. A week later, he was removed from life support, and his 5 year old son was orphaned.

I am telling you this to bring awareness that these things really happen, and they happen more often than you think. I don't like going to the dentist either, or any other physician for that matter, but listen: you have to take care of the damn holes in your head. They can kill you, and don't think for a second that it can't happen to you, because my 29 year old stepbrother certainly didn't think he would die a horrible death and leave his child parentless. Ryan's death was a front page headline, and dentists in the area made a plea to the public to let them help. There are ways to deal with this kind of situation, including sedation with prescription drugs, which could have allowed Ryan to get the care he needed. If he had been willing to talk to a dentist about his fear, he'd still be here. Bottom line.

It has been a little while since I've made this public service announcement, but I assure you I had not forgotten. Seeing him unresponsive, connected to tubes, with a hose coming out of his brain and a horrifying intracranial pressure of 84 is something I will never be able to erase from my memory.

If you have an infection, please take it seriously. I know the dentist is expensive, but many of them accept monthly payments, especially for potentially harmful scenarios like this. Beg, borrow, whatever you have to do to get the money. Cry on the dentist's doorstep. The worst they'll say is no, and there are others out there who will say yes. Communicate, or find someone who will speak on your behalf. Just go, please.

Thanks for reading.

My giant face voted. Yours should too.

My 6th NaNoWriMo, and why I'm not working on my children's novel

It's that time again.

I didn't know if I would participate this year. I seriously considered skipping it, but I joined a couple of forums, started talking to others on Twitter, and signed up. I'm a NaNo Rebel, as I often am, which means I'm working on something other than a brand new fiction novel. If you're new here, I have a rough first draft called The Children of Mossy Hollow, and I absolutely intend to complete it and self-publish. It's a mess, though, and needs a lot of revision. I will eventually focus on doing that.

Why not revise during NaNo since I'm a rebel anyway? I could, but my stress level and emotions are heightened at the moment by what has happened and continues to happen on our southern border. My book is based on a true event that occurred in my own family tree involving children who were separated from their parents and each other and adopted out into various questionable situations. It's an emotionally-charged story on its own, and I've shed plenty of tears over these kids. But needless to say, it's even more painful to think about now. It's on the back burner for the sake of my health.

I am working on other projects, including a memoir and my family history. Nothing will be published here, but when I have comprehensive text concerning my genealogy, it will be over on that blog.

Talk to you later - NaNoWriMo awaits. (Send caffeine!)

Hurricane and Tsunami Relief 2018

I apologize for the delay in regards to the recent natural disasters. I've had a turbulent time in my head lately. I did some mild prep for Hurricane Michael, but it missed me completely, and I do not take that for granted whatsoever. I'm devastated for the Florida gulf coast and parts of Georgia in their immense loss and suffering. All of the memories of Hurricane Katrina came back, and I'm sad to know that others are now living the nightmare that my neighbors and I once did.

While my site was offline, a tsunami occurred in Indonesia, and Hurricane Florence caused terrible flooding in the Carolinas. All of these folks still need a lot of help. I can tell you first-hand that disaster recovery is a terribly long and stressful process.

I felt like the best thing to do was consult Charity Navigator for a list of organizations aiding the areas in need. Following are the links to those lists:

Hurricane Michael: https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=6806

Hurricane Florence: https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=6709

Indonesian Tsunami: https://www.charitynavigator.org/index.cfm?bay=content.view&cpid=6781

As always, Operation BBQ Relief has deployed to both hurricane-affected areas in the U.S. to cook and serve free hot meals. I've followed them for years, and they are as legitimate as it gets. Strictly volunteer-driven, these folks have served over two million BBQ dinners since their launch in 2011. They often need volunteers and always need monetary donations.

Let's keep everyone in our thoughts.

Since I haven't mentioned it yet - Hurricane Michael

The barometric pressure is trying its best to wipe me out, and it's not even here yet. The lower the pressure, the worse the symptoms, and Michael is a catastrophic category 4 storm. As you can see in this boring, short video, I'll be on the far west side, so I'm ok. I think my biggest challenge will be my muscles and my head (which is screaming...my ears are killing me) while the storm is doing its thing on the coastline. Once it passes, I'll recover and share information on helping our neighbors to the east who will undoubtedly see their lives change.

The best place for hurricane updates is of course the NHC. They're also on FB and Twitter.

Talk to you soon.

Health Assessment 10/7/18

I took a health assessment on one of those blood pressure, heart rate, body mass index machines in August of last year, and I remember being pretty upset over the results.

Today, I went to the same machine and did it again. The results are better now.

My weight and BMI were lower, my blood pressure was great, and my heart rate was a little better than usual. I still need improvement, obviously, but I'll never be "normal". Anyone who expects that of me is not living in reality. I frequently have to remind myself of that fact, and I will remind others if necessary. My doctors haven't really brought up my weight other than general documentation stating that I'm "slightly overweight". That's fine. The assessment's #1 tip on the right side of the screen is the same as it was last time - mental health should be addressed. Since I'm honest in answering their questions, that was no surprise. I have PTSD, anxiety, sleep disorders galore, and dealing with my failed physical health has been no easy task. Nor has being forced to exist for the rest of my life in gov't housing on SSI.

I found a low-income counseling center, and I plan to apply for financial aid next year. I don't have any money whatsoever to invest in it right now, and probably won't for a while. I know I need to take care of my mental health, and I will do what I can when I can.

As for my wrecked body, I'm at a loss at this point. I'm battling systemic disease every day, but I'm weak, exhausted, and in terrible pain. I feel like I'm losing the war, so I guess I'm going to fight until I drop dead. I don't know. What's the alternative?

"Keep Calm and Carry On" is a lot easier said than done, but I'm trying.

Housing update, a little bit of artwork, and a lot of family

I'm back in my apartment full-time again, but I'm still having problems. I've put myself on a waiting list for smoke-free housing not very far from my nieces. Moving will be a logistical nightmare, considering my major medical needs and lack of medical care in Louisiana, but I don't know what choice I have at this point. I haven't been able to find housing where I really need to be, which is Mississippi. If I could figure out how to move back there, my doctors in Jackson would be my primary physicians, and life would possibly be a little less difficult. Unfortunately, Mississippi doesn't want more poor people moving there, so they make relocation from out-of-state almost impossible. I was on a waiting list on the Mississippi coast for years, and they continued to push me down the list until the chances of ever getting into housing there were nearly zero. In-state residents needing housing take priority, and there's no arguing with that. It may be a year or longer before there is an opening in Louisiana, so I'm stuck in my current apartment for a pretty long while. In the meantime, I hope something significantly changes for the better. It's the only hope I have.

I've continued my non-credit drawing course, and worked on a few independent projects as well. Here are a couple of them:

Full contrast ink design of Satine from Moulin Rouge

It was about a nine hour project.

Here's the beautiful video reference!!

30 minute gestural study of a Francisco de Goya

etching from his bullfighting series

More art will be shared soon on the other blog.

My older brother got married, and the wedding was perfect. This is the only photo I have of myself with my sibling tribe and their spouses and kids. Just missing my nephew Asher, and of course our deceased brother Max. Look how big the girls (Sadie, Zoey, and Jo) have gotten! Valerie too, who is graduating from U of Alabama soon. Funny that my cane is photobombing at the bottom of the pic.

I'm still waiting for a copy of the wedding pictures, so here's some stupid selfie nonsense. :P

I could barely move by the end of the night, but I survived.

I've spent a lot of time in bed since then.

MDA clinic in Jackson is Tuesday, so I'll blog again soon.

September 2018 (with pictures)

Welcome back, readers.

The drawing course is going well, I guess. I'm learning some things.

Sitting up in a desk chair hasn't been working out (muscle weakness)

so here's my current setup in the living room. Lots of pillows involved.

I'm considering just moving it all to my bed, but I'm trying not to.

As I mentioned last month, drawings will be posted on the art blog.

(Edit Note: This was uploaded before problems with my apartment arose,

and I decided to leave it on the blog. I'll resume drawing when I am able.)

My minimalism efforts have continued in September.

I finally tackled my worst (scary!) closet.

Trust me, it was absolutely embarrassing.

I feel much better now that it looks like this.

I use a disturbing amount of plastic,

but it goes to the recycling center.

I spent some time back at the apartment

deep cleaning the kitchen and dining room.

It was painful, and didn't improve the issue with

the neighbor's cigarette smoke, but I'm glad I did it.

(HKPP was also an issue. My butt was kicked for days.)

This made me laugh out loud.

I've been living on soup, chocolate milk, frozen coffee, and noodle dishes for quite a while now, but sometimes I still try to tolerate solid food. I stayed at my brother and sister in law's house a lot since I couldn't breathe well at home, and I ate far too much real food there. It was good, but I paid the price for sure. I can't stay on the Gastroparesis diet forever and be able to use my muscles to their potential (they are much weaker than average already), so I have to keep trying.

I've made some Asian and South American dishes recently, but this month, I returned to my obsession with Italy. Years ago, I studied Italian cuisine using online courses and blogs written by regular people in Italy that I used a translator to read. If you really want to learn the way people cook in other countries, that's the best way to do it (as opposed to American TV cooks who pretend they're from another country...don't even get me started). Anyway, you know by now that I'm neither a Chef nor a Photographer, but I'm going to share a few pics.

Caprese is normally a salad, but I turned it into a sandwich. :-)

Squee! This was my best shrimp scampi yet!

Wow at the work that went into this Amatriciana,

but it turned out perfectly. I only wish all of those

tomatoes had resulted in more than 1 2/3 cups of it.

As I said, none of the solid food is going that well. I'm doubled over with my stomach daily when I consume more than soft, liquidy things. Occasionally, it's bad enough to bring out the phenergan. I don't take it often (in addition to its usual side effects, it wipes me out with HKPP). My conditions are downright unbearable at times, and I don't think I'll ever accept my limitations. I'm trying to stay afloat both physically and mentally, but it's not easy. Some days are better than others.

I wish I could run a food charity...a soup kitchen or food truck or something. It's a completely irrational and impossible idea for someone with my disability, but I think about it all the time. I'm depressed that I don't do enough to make a difference. As the office manager recently told me, I can't stand people but I love humanity. Funny, but he's absolutely right. I struggle greatly with the state of the world and the people in it. I get so angry, but then I just feel sad because there's nothing I can do to change things for the better - for myself or anyone else.

I'll always wonder what I could have accomplished had my conditions been properly treated in my younger years. I'll never know, and I realize there is no sense in mulling over it.