Friday, November 27, 2015

On Comparison



I took a walk around the neighborhood tonight. Without the walker, which is always risky. But I have to do it. I need to feel freedom...the freedom of being on my own two feet, if only for a little while. I'll hold on to whatever feelings of freedom from this life I can find. I knew when I made it back to my place, I would be weaker than before. I knew that I would need to put on my oxygen mask and that I would have to lie down. And it was yet another reminder, along with the many reminders I am presented with each day, that this is really my life.

I acknowledge how lucky and blessed I am that I can do such a thing...the choice of risking myself to take a few precious steps with the normals. I try to remain grateful for the times that I'm on my feet. I'm not always able to stand up and walk, and some people never can. I have to think about them, always, to maintain perspective. Because if I think about all of the normal people living their normal lives, it crushes my soul. And the soul-crushing reality that I'm not one of them forces me to remember the suffering, which unacceptably but undeniably includes me.

Comparison is a thief. I mustn't let it steal from me. I've lost enough.