I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Grace, Illness, What Lies Behind, and What Lies Ahead


I'm bringing in the new year quite ill, but thankful to be in a warm room surrounded by blankets and pillows made by family and friends. This has been a tough year, and I have to believe that the next will be better. Even if I'm not feeling it at the moment (I'm not), I know happier days lie ahead.

I've been talking to God all day. He's heard everything from "thank you, I know how lucky I am" to "I can't believe this is my life, thanks for nothing". The grace of God is that he loves me no less in my waves of grief and self-loathing than he does when I'm delightful (which isn't often). I'm glad to also have people in my life who accept me in the bad times and believe in me even when I don't believe in myself. You would be surprised how many have walked away - people who by definition of who they were should have never given up on me. I'm crushed, but I don't accept defeat, and when someday I do fall down for the last time, you know it won't be without a fight. I'm a stubborn woman, and nobody, not even those who abandon me, will ever be able to say I didn't try.

2014 brought many changes, and 2015 will bring even more. I have been blogging for over a dozen years now, and I have always written a long entry dedicated to reviewing my goals for the year and making new goals for the year ahead. I haven't given it a single thought today. As of right now, I just don't care. Right now, my only wish for myself is to survive 2015 with my sanity intact. Right now, I simply want to see tomorrow. Right now, that's enough.

Know that I love and appreciate all who have stuck with me. I am thankful to have such thoughtful people in my life. You are truly a treasure, and I hope 2015 gives you everything you hope for and more.


Friday, December 26, 2014

Christmas, Courage, & A New Year

I want to thank my family and friends for the cards, gifts, thoughts, prayers, and simply your presence (which is much more important than your presents) this Christmas. I apologize for my inadequacy where returning the favor is concerned. This is not my favorite holiday nor my favorite time of year - everybody who knows me well knows this - but I always hope to make the best of it or at least get through it in one piece. It is usually a relief when it's over, because that means the new year is coming up and my silly brain usually registers New Year's Day as a clean slate and a new start. I'm not sure how I will be feeling about it this time. 2014 has been a year of grief and many changes, but one thing is certain - I will try.

I'm a chronic trier to the point of my own detriment at times with no intention of giving up even when my mind and body and circumstances and people insist that I do so. I would like to believe I have purpose in the world in spite of my brokenness...perhaps even because of it. So even though I never wanted to be a fighter, I put on my mask and I fight. Anyone you talk to who is faced with serious illness and/or deep loss will tell you that they carry on not because they are doing well or because they are feeling better or because they want to, but because they have to. Because it's the only reasonable option. Because they know the alternative. Because even in the darkest of times, it is the right thing to do.

I've read that courage is not the absence of fear - it is choosing to rise to the challenge in the midst of that fear. So I pray for courage as I end this year and begin a new one. I am a realist and I know this stubborn illness, the frustration, the difficult pain, the grief, and the seemingly impossible circumstances will still be there. But I also know I'm equally impossible, difficult, and stubborn, therefore I will strive to face it all with my heart, mind, and stupid sense of humor intact.

Because I have to.

May 2014 end as well as possible, and 2015 be better.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Sometimes, I manage to kick Muscular Dystrophy's butt.

But sometimes, it kicks mine.





I'm not worried about the brown dish since I bought it, but I would like to replace my late MawMaw's 1980s turquoise clear-bottomed nesting bowl if anyone happens to run across vintage Pyrex online. Email ugottafriend4life@gmail.com with "MawMaw's bowl" in the subject line.

Thanks...  :(


Edit Note 12/23: Someone has graciously replaced the bowl. It's the exact same one, which makes me very happy. I have such thoughtful friends...thanks so much.