I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Long Overdue Health Update - 3/22/14

I'm having a hard time blogging, if that wasn't obvious. Things are extremely stressful at the moment, and I'm still trying to recover from the 2014 body infection and paralysis of doom. At any rate, I'm here with a boring update.

Three weeks of fevers, three infections, three antibiotics, loads of cough and cold meds, an ER visit, major paralysis including my digestive tract (lost around 7 pounds), a trip to the docs in Jackson, increased HKPP meds, and I am finally...FINALLY...beginning to snap out of this nightmare. I am back on a walker and even driving a little bit. I managed to attend a Doctor Who meeting today in a nearby city, before coming back home and crashing into bed with a migraine and weakness. I'm going to have to take my recovery a little easier I guess, but it's hard when I have so much to do. I have been down for literally seven weeks. I was bedbound nearly the entire time, and my aunt has come over each day to help me. She still is, because I'm still unable to do things like laundry or cook a real meal other than using the microwave or toaster oven (which is better than nothing, I realize). She has been a lifesaver, as usual.

My aunt and uncle took me back to Jackson for an appointment last week. I was in a wheelchair, and we decided that in order to bring me out of my prolonged paralytic state, the meds needed to be increased. It appears as though I need the increased meds just to be able to function for a couple hours a day. The rest of the time, I'm here in bed trying not to lose my mind. Next week, I'll go to the local clinic to check my potassium level, then it's back to Jackson in April.

My birthday is tomorrow, and I hope I'll at least be able to get up and do something. I don't know what it will be, I'll just have to play it by ear.

There is a lot more going on in my life, but I am not ready to go there yet. I'll explain when I am at liberty to do so. I appreciate the prayers, thoughts, well wishes, gifts in the mail...I have such thoughtful friends. Thank you for hanging in there with me. Hope everybody has had a much better 2014 than this. I'll eventually get back on track with things around here, I promise.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Let It Go



This damn Disney song makes me ugly-cry like a two year old.

Frozen is much better than it appeared in the trailer. In fact, the trailer showed nothing but funny and intriguing elements while completely hiding the fact that the storyline is a boohoo fest. It rivals Mulan, which in my opinion is one of Disney's very best non-Pixar animations. In spite of a magic power being involved, the plot is believable and not overplayed like a lot of "Disney Princess" movies are. It's heavy in metaphors that people of all ages can apply to their own lives, to the point of psychological impact. The Oscars for best animated feature and best song are well deserved. Had Let It Go not won, no doubt there would have been a riot.

The story represents so much to so many people. For me personally, it has been a struggle to let go of the injustice, oppression, and criticism I've received all my life for being who I am and for some of the life decisions I've made. A lot of people don't understand me, and unfortunately we humans are notorious for knocking what we don't understand. As a result, some think I'm weak and wrong and wish I would conform to their version of "normal".

Newsflash: it is never happening. I am a Southern white Creole-Cajun, hetero-abstinent, politics-hating non-partisan humanitarian, culture-embracing, gay ally, anti-racist, non-denominational Christian woman with crippling, life-threatening systemic disease who survives on public welfare. Deal with it - every bit of it - or promptly pick up your toys and go home. This is not a game, so don't think for a second that I am a challenge to be conquered. You will lose. Miserably.

As the song says, I'm not going to be held down by someone else's ideal, and I don't care what they have to say about it anymore. Those who truly love me respect me, my feelings, and my life decisions, just as I do for them. And even if I am Queen Elsa - the "different" one with the freak genetic condition that makes me appear weak - isolated by the cold around me, I will continue to stand my ground and be content in knowing that I'm free of the control of mental hijackers.

As for wrong - I'm not. Not anymore. Thank God, the past is in the past and I'm never going back. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I've finally done right by myself, and I will never regret it. I'm sure I will continue to be misunderstood, judged, and criticized, but I strive to let go of the fear and pain that accompanies these things. I am not a prisoner. I will be me whether people like it or not.

Here I stand, and here I stay. Let the storm rage on.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Okay, I'm Here...Sort Of.

I haven't felt like blogging. I'm still stuck in bed with hurting ears and partial paralysis, and I'm just SO over it. There are no words for how sick I am of this BS. I need to be up and around, I have things to do. Especially now, as I received heartbreaking family news the other day. The clock is ticking on life as I know it, and there is much to be done. I will have to explain later...I am not at liberty to do so at this time.

My aunts have been saints throughout my illness. One of them brings me something to eat every day, and picks up snacks and medications when I need it. Life has come to a complete halt, needless to say, and I would not make it without their help. I'm thankful they care.

My nieces have both had birthdays. I am missing their parties, which sucks. I'll send them gifts when I finally get out of bed. I hope and pray it'll be soon.

My birthday is around the corner, and I would appreciate feeling human by then. Fingers crossed that I'm out of this bed in the next week or so.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014