Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Grace, Illness, What Lies Behind, and What Lies Ahead


I'm bringing in the new year quite ill, but thankful to be in a warm room surrounded by blankets and pillows made by family and friends. This has been a tough year, and I have to believe that the next will be better. Even if I'm not feeling it at the moment (I'm not), I know happier days lie ahead.

I've been talking to God all day. He's heard everything from "thank you, I know how lucky I am" to "I can't believe this is my life, thanks for nothing". The grace of God is that he loves me no less in my waves of grief and self-loathing than he does when I'm delightful (which isn't often). I'm glad to also have people in my life who accept me in the bad times and believe in me even when I don't believe in myself. You would be surprised how many have walked away - people who by definition of who they were should have never given up on me. I'm crushed, but I don't accept defeat, and when someday I do fall down for the last time, you know it won't be without a fight. I'm a stubborn woman, and nobody, not even those who abandon me, will ever be able to say I didn't try.

2014 brought many changes, and 2015 will bring even more. I have been blogging for over a dozen years now, and I have always written a long entry dedicated to reviewing my goals for the year and making new goals for the year ahead. I haven't given it a single thought today. As of right now, I just don't care. Right now, my only wish for myself is to survive 2015 with my sanity intact. Right now, I simply want to see tomorrow. Right now, that's enough.

Know that I love and appreciate all who have stuck with me. I am thankful to have such thoughtful people in my life. You are truly a treasure, and I hope 2015 gives you everything you hope for and more.