I am trying to cope with life as best as I can, but I think sometimes I have to realize that I'm human and I'm not as strong as I want to be. I have days when I put on a smile and make lemonade with the lemons I've been given, and I have days when I'm sick and tired of the freaking lemonade, and I grieve for the life that I have lost to this disease. It's hard to have hope when the future looks so dim. Owned by the government and relying on other people to provide my basic necessities is not living. It is merely existing...nothing more.
I had plans like anybody else. College was killing me but I was killing
it in return, and I had no intention of quitting. I couldn't wait to get
my Masters so I could teach and counsel, even if it was only possible
via internet while propped up on pillows. I would have been satisfied
with that (I think), and I would have been one kick-ass online
instructor. I also planned to provide therapeutic art in my community
free of charge in my spare time. I had a solid goal toward the only
things I've ever strove for...independence, and making a difference. I
wanted a tiny house in a town that I don't hate, and once stable and
established, I wanted to apply for foster parenting. I have said since I
was a little child myself that I would be one of "those moms" whether I
had my own children or husband or not, and I meant it. But that's gone
now. All of it...everything I've ever wanted has been ripped out of my
hands, as if I'm not worthy of achieving it. I'm not okay with that. I
am unfathomably angry.
I don't know anyone who has ever wanted to be more independent. While I
don't take the abilities I have for granted, it's impossible to ignore
the fact that this is an unfair world that operates on survival of the
fittest, and I am not one of those people. So what happens to me? Exist
day in and day out until I die in poverty? Forced to live being watched
or controlled by other people, who may or may not resent me, for the
rest of my life?
Unacceptable. That's what this is. It doesn't matter how much lemonade I
make, how positive I think or speak, or how much I pray for my sins to
be forgiven in hopes of being good enough to get somewhere in
life...that doesn't change reality. I talked to someone tonight who
insisted that everything bad that happens to us is a demon. If you're
sick, you have a demon. If you're born with abnormalities by the world's
standards, you have a demon, and somebody did something wrong to make
it happen. You're cursed.
But isn't a holier-than-thou individual proclaiming that you're cursed, a
curse in itself? I'm not a Bible-thumper, but I am firm in my beliefs. I
know where I'm going when I die, and why I'm going there. I'm a
believer, but I can't bring myself to believe that any person has the
right to say someone else is possessed by the devil because they're sick
- to say that a kid with Epilepsy needs a demon cast out, or a stroke
victim must have done something to offend God, or a Muscular Dystrophy
patient just doesn't have enough faith to be "normal". The very notion
seems, in its own way, sick. And I don't accept it.
I've also talked with people who think I shouldn't be allowed to be
independent. They think I should have to live my life under someone
else's thumb, even if that means an unhappy home or a facility of some
kind. Never mind that I'm only in my mid 30's, intelligent, and could
survive on my own if I had the resources to do so. Tough luck. I'm
crippled, so I should have to accept being imprisoned for the rest of my
useless life, controlled by the fears and convenience of others.
I don't accept it. I don't accept any of it, and I never will.
To those who say this is the existence I should accept...to those who
choose to ignore the facts as well as the possibilities...to those who
disregard my full potential because I have a physical disability...to
those who claim that I'm cursed...to those who think I'm not good
enough, strong enough, or worth it...to those who believe I'm done for
and have spinelessly written me off...to those who have given up on me,
and expect me to do the same...I suggest you get the hell out of my way.
I don't give up.