I reviewed the last year of my blog yesterday. It was nearly unbearable. I've come to the conclusion that I'm honest to a fault. I ramble, I'm very matter of fact, and I don't sugar-coat anything. It's how I conduct myself, but I don't always want it that way. I don't like to wallow in the mud of circumstance. I seek an oasis from reality, just like everyone else. I think it's all a part of the normal process of coping with whatever each day brings.
I had plans. Goals. Dreams. I had so many. Almost all that I've ever wanted in life has been taken from me, but I've been reminded this week that the one thing I'm still capable of is being a writer. So, I'm going to write.
I discovered recently that I fear judgment for the words I put out there. What am I afraid of? Rejection? Who isn't. Misunderstanding? Always. I've questioned over the last 24 hours if I should change what I write and the way I write it to appease those around me. Even now, this entry is not what I originally intended it to be. I was planning to make some pretty major renovations in the blog world. I was going to promise a transformation. But as I began writing, those words wouldn't come out. This, however, did. I believe there is a reason for it.
I'm going to write whatever I need to. Whatever keeps me sane. Whatever makes me happy.
I will still talk about my circumstances, and I will still be as honest as ever. It may not be pretty and it may not be popular, but I think it's important. Sometimes I want to stop sharing the ugly that is often my world, but then I get a message from someone who appreciates what they read...who says it helps them to know my struggle. Finding someone to talk to about what you're going through can be a great blessing. It has been to me. Perhaps, even life-saving. Knowing how much the honesty of others with similar challenges has changed my life, I'm learning that in spite all of the pain and heartache and abuse I've endured since childhood, by the grace of God, my story can make a positive impact. And that is what this is all about. That is what matters. My prayer is to take what life has thrown at me and prove Romans 8:28 - "All things work together for good for those who love God, which are called according to His purpose." Not just nice, pretty, happy things. ALL things. All of them.
I don't understand it, and I'm not going to try to. But I want to trust it, because it gives me hope. Hope that my life matters. I hang on to the promise with all that is in me, because it is all that I have, and all that I need to take the next breath on this spinning ball of insanity called Earth.
I don't want my life to be in vain. So, I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, and I will keep writing.