Monday, July 16, 2012

My Big Fat Food Network Star Meltdown

Alternately titled "Holy Epic Nervous Breakdown of the Year, Batman"

Credit: Food Network

If you missed my previous banter, click HERE.

First of all, I am sooooo disappointed that they didn't bring my sister-from-another-mister Emily back to the competition. SAD!!! My favorite Retro-Rad chick will have an awesome career anyhow, and she may very well end up on Food TV in the future. I hope so! Cross yer fingers, kids!

The big episode drew near. Twitter started buzzing with excitement. Alton Brown was Post-It-Tweeting the countdown (side note: if you aren't following him on Twitter, you're missing out). He admits to crying in the episode, and then follows up with a tweet implying that he doesn't do that whole crying thing. Me, being an advocate for men who have a sensitive side, decided to reply to the original tweet with my own Post-It-Tweet:

Real men cry, Mr. Brown. And don't you forget it.
Even though you're anti-man-cry, I still love you.
(But not in a creepy way...promise.)

And then, some random funny person decided to Photoshop their support for Team Alton:

And I laughed and laughed.

And then, it was time. The show begins!

And my mood changes instantly upon seeing previews of Team Alton in tears.

And I can't believe it, but I'm actually starting to feel physically ill...because this crap is REAL.

Elimination time arrives all too quickly. Michelle from Team Bobby and Yvan from Team Giada advance to the final, leaving only one spot left for Team Alton. My heart is crushed knowing that Martie and Justin won't be in the finals together. I become lightheaded and a little bit shaky.

Turns out I was unknowingly holding my breath. Ha! OOPS.

Then the powers that be surprised me by responding to my unprecedented freak-out, proving they are human.

And I felt like Eeyore when he told Pooh and the gang, "Thanks for noticing me. Even though you tried to KILL me."

(Credit: Disney)

Food Network made their painful choice. Justin was awarded a Pilot episode in the finals.

But then...


Something so shocking happened, I almost choked and rolled right out of my sick-bed.

It was a dead tie!
Both Justin and Martie are in the final!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND BABY JESUS...YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was the greatest moment
in Food Network history.
Do you hear me?


Martie is an Alabama girl, like me, and makes me so proud. Her Pilot was shrimp on the Mobile Bay for Heaven's sake. My family has been in the AL/MS Coast seafood industry for centuries. Not years or decades, mind you. CENTURIES. It is who we are. It is what we do. Martie's show would be a breath of fresh air. She's local. She feels like family. I want her to win.

Justin is the one of the most interesting people I've seen on Food Network. He is unique and gifted, and the bond between him and Alton touches me deeply for reasons I'm not willing to share publicly (I'd tell them, if they asked). What I see between them is magic, and the sky is the limit to what they are capable of together. They are the Dynamic Duo...the Batman and Robin of Food Network. I adore them, and I think they deserve to win. I told Justin this on Facebook, and buddy I freakin' meant it.

It's amazing how a televised competition can suck you in. I want so much to see Martie and Justin win. I want them both to have a show. I don't know how to convince Food Network that we, the people, WANT THEM BOTH!

But Team Alton hasn't won yet. We have to VOTE!

Vote for Martie. Vote for Justin.

As long as Alton wins, I will be happy.

Thanks to all who chatted with me on Twitter/Facebook last night! It was so intense and such a blast! Epic!