I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Hey Look, A Spinning Head

That would be mine. I have so much to write about, but I'm overwhelmed at the moment and I'm having a hard time focusing on anything that involves something other than laying in bed trying to breathe/sleep normally.

I am doing better. This week has been fairly functional since upping my B-12 and prescription potassium. I'm having to take more than prescribed just to be able to use my limbs, and I will continue to do so until I run out. My doctors in Jackson have not returned my calls concerning my hospital stay and the need for more potassium, so I've had no choice but to raise the dose myself. It's working. Not anywhere near where I need it to, but at least I can walk to the other side of the house, eat somewhat regularly, and drive short distances without having an episode. I am still very weak and walk with assistance of a cane or crutches, but that beats the heck out of having to use the wheelchair, or needing relatives to hang on to me. Wow. Putting it in that perspective makes all the difference. My uncle said something last month that really got me thinking. We were at my brother's graduation ceremony, me in a wheelchair, and I brought up the fact that the last time I was on that street, I was walking in the March of Dimes March For Babies. It was only a few years ago when I participated and completed the 2.75 mile walk. Thought I was going to die for a week afterwards, mind you, but I did it. My uncle said "You're lucky you were able to do THAT much." I often brush off his snarky comments, but that one has stayed with me. I suppose that's the perspective I should have, eh? To be glad that I could walk for a little while? I admit I have mixed feelings, but I get the point and I don't take that window of time for granted whatsoever. I am truly thankful.

I'm also weary, but in spite of that, I seem to be coping a little better now that I've increased the potassium and B-12. As I said in the beginning of this post, I am still having trouble completing basic tasks, but I am making an effort to regroup and tackle one goal at a time. Anyone who knows me knows I'm an overachiever. I try until I crash and burn, but I refuse to stop trying.

I visited with my mom the other day, and had a bit of a breakthrough with her. She made it known that she does care that I'm sick, but doesn't want to ask questions or know much about it. She did say that she's glad I've found a support group, and seemed somewhat happy for me that I had a published article about it. She also agreed to write Social Security and tell them that she will not be my caregiver. That should help them to understand how desperately I need assistance. She is very detached from the reality of this situation, still, but at least she's not being harsh and unreasonable anymore and for that I am grateful. It is a step in the right direction.

I will wait and write about my recent episode and hospital stay in a separate entry. It will no doubt be long-winded. It was a pretty scary four days. I'm trying to bounce back but even my stomach is still sore from the lovenox shots they gave me every day for DVT. Sheesh. Anyway, I can no longer keep my eyes open so more on that and other stuff later. Nighty night.