Tuesday, January 4, 2011

One year ago today...

I had surgery. Of the female variety. Consider that your TMI warning for this blog entry. Or feel free to go look at my 2009 and 2010 archives if you want the scoop (but you probably don't...just sayin').

It had to be done...I was truly suffering, developed pre-cancer, and had run out of options.

I am grateful that a nearby university hospital took me in as a guinea pig for their interns. They were great and it was the most drama-free surgery I have ever had.

And while the anesthesia spawned a massive further decline in my Hypokalemic Periodic Paralysis, leaving me barely able to walk or sit up for 2/3's of the day, having to drop out of my drawing class, not being able to teach at times, and bouts of random crying and crankiness due to the sudden ending of hormone therapy after 15 years, I do not regret it one iota and would do it again in a heartbeat.

In fact, knowing for years now that I would not be able to safely carry a child or give birth due to my conditions, and the physical suffering that I endured since I was a teen from the psycho-uterus from hell, I wish the surgery had happened long ago. I thankfully have not had any trouble since, and I pray that I never, ever relapse.

Coming to terms with the fact that I won't have children has been hard to describe. I have very good days and not so good days. I am thankful that I don't have children, yet I grieve that I don't have children...at the very same time. I imagine that makes sense only to those who walk the road of poverty and disability as I do. I'm not sure. It's still not easy to wrap my brain around, even though I've faced this reality for a long time now.

What bothers me much more is not that I can't be a bio mom, but that I don't qualify to adopt. Knowing that there are children out there who need a parent, and I can't do a thing about it...that's the hardest part. That's what brings me to tears...the children that are already here. I have been an adoption advocate since childhood, always saying that I would be one of those moms. The odds of this ever happening for me are slim now, but I will continue to be an advocate on behalf of millions of children out there that deserve to be loved and taken care of. If I can't do it, I will support those who can. That's why I follow so many adoption blogs and join in their efforts to bring awareness. I can still be a vessel, albeit, indirectly.

Life goes on. And I count my blessings every day.

Now go hug your babies.

1 comment:

April said...

I <3 adoption, and appreciate your concern for all kids in need of a family. Have you been able to support any kids in your community? I've gotten my church girls club involved in collecting needed hygiene items for kids in foster care, and through my adoption agency we've been able to pray for specific children waiting for a family.