Friday, December 17, 2010

Hard reality. Tough honesty. I don't really know what to title this...

I've been depressed since a recent club field trip. We had lunch on site and I was the last person to arrive at the cafe (I walk with a cane and have to take breaks). I ate more slowly than usual while everyone else played around. My teacher/adviser got impatient as I took another bite and said "Oh come on". I apologized for being slow, but didn't bother to explain that I'm having significant esophageal pain and difficulties swallowing and breathing right now. I imagine he's tired of me explaining myself and I know I definitely am, so I decided that it wasn't worth it for fear that he would only take it as a lame excuse. I left it at "Sorry for eating so slowly" and moved on. I think like a lot of people in my life, he just doesn't know what to do with me at times. It's a little obvious that he has been frustrated with me off and on for the past 13 months or so, but he has remained positive and professional. It's his job, and he does it pretty darn well for the most part. I think the world of him and probably always will.

This triggered a flashback, however. Of the ex-husband variety and his gradual loss of patience with me and my condition. As much as I don't want to offend any of my male readers by this, I can't help but mention that the "over it" feeling is something that I get from men often. Doesn't matter who they are...friend, boyfriend, boss, family member, teacher...many of them simply get tired of "dealing" with me and eventually react. Usually somewhere between a few months to a couple years. I guess my ex-husband is the best example of this...a total 180 degree turn...from "I know you're very sick but it doesn't matter...I love you and want you to be my wife and I will take care of you" to complete annoyance that quickly lead to resentment, zero patience, fits of rage, infidelity...I could list a lot of other things, but I'll spare you. I thank God for singlehood, even in the tough times when I feel utterly alone. It's very hard to accept that this is my reality, though, and the thought of people in general getting tired of "the sick girl" time and again for the rest of my life is more disheartening than I can express. But hell, what can I do about it...I'm tired of me, too.

Anyway, I resigned from my officer position in the club that day. It was the right thing to do and they agree (silence speaks volumes, that's for sure). I know they don't need me and that has never been my attitude, but I care very much and investing in the club and its members was a mission of love. I still embrace the place and people with utmost sincerity and I don't regret my time there, but I am simply too sick, in too much pain, and too stressed to handle it right now.

I'm honestly not handling much of anything anymore. I don't want to live like this. I just want to be normal.

1 comment:

Mandy said...

found it, delete my last twitter escapade haha... dont know much about ya irl but definatlay care about ya irl, world seems to hav no patience but must be a reason.. you got this girl! ur tough