I've been nominated for the Honest Scrap award by my sweet friend Sarah in India. Sarah runs Sarah's Covenant Homes and cares for orphaned, special needs children. She is one of my heroes. I hope to be well and financially able to visit her and the children someday.
My heart is heavy for Sarah right now, as she just lost two of her beautiful children...Elizabeth and Evelyn, within a week of each other. And last I heard, several other children are in the hospital with various illnesses. Dear Jesus, please help these children, Sarah, and all of the caregivers as they walk through this incredibly difficult valley. I absolutely cannot imagine.
I urge you to visit Sarah's blog and pray for them. See what you can do to help.
And now...ten (VERY) honest things:
1. I have social anxiety, frequent nightmares, and a startle reflex...a few symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Not sure what to do about that.
2. I am thankful every day that I didn't have children with my ex-husband, yet heartbroken beyond words that I will never have children at all. In spite of that, I rejoice with complete sincerity when I hear of a new birth or pregnancy, because babies are the most wonderful people on earth and their very presence brings me joy that I can't even explain.
3. As relieved as I am to be happily divorced, I am finding myself having feelings for the opposite sex again after seven years of feeling nothing. I am having a hard time processing that, and at the moment it hurts so much that I would rather go back to feeling nothing again.
4. I don't share nearly as much about my health as people think I do. As a teen (and before my diagnosis), I was labeled a liar by family, friends, teachers, and doctors, and I guess I've never gotten over that. There have been days and nights when I've felt like I was going to die, but I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid that they wouldn't believe me.
5. I was traumatized by watching my grandmother, who was the greatest person I've ever known, suffer and die the way she did. It changed me and I fear the same fate.
6. I am a very open-minded, tolerant person who gets along with darn near everyone. I am a peacemaker, and it takes something pretty significant for me to remove myself from certain people and/or situations. It is always hard even when I know it is the right thing to do.
7. God has occasionally given me visions, dreams, and insights into my own life as well as other peoples' lives. I've had dreams of events in detail that have come to fruition. I've been able to tell someone how they were feeling, what they were worrying about, etc., without really knowing them or their situation. Sometimes it seems like I can feel their burdens as if they were my own.
8. I desperately want to be physically and financially independent. It hurts to have to rely on other people to help me get by and I feel like a burden to them. I am mentally capable of much and I have proven that, but I am physically unable to hold a full time job. God knows I'd be working if I could. That's why I am continuing my college education, although at times I don't see the point as I don't feel any hope of making it on my own whether I have a degree or not.
9. I get very attached to some people. But not in a creepy way. :) I'm the safest person I know. It is my character to embrace others and strive to never take them for granted. It is a work in progress and I pray that I will be a better person each and every day. I just want to be a friend to world and somehow, in some way, make a difference.
10. The older I get, the more I realize how different I am and how abnormal my life has been. It is surreal, depressing, and intriguing all at the same time. It makes me wonder why I was chosen to walk this road, yet it makes me count my blessings. It makes me seek a purpose for it all.