I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'm gonna miss this place

I have to say that 2010 has been a little difficult so far, and I'm really struggling in school this semester. The full time schedule and the classes have been hard to deal with. I'm making lower than expected grades in two of my academic classes, and it is very disheartening. I'm also still not well most mornings, so I'm barely making it through Design without being sick. It is hard to pretend that I'm not miserable. I want so much to be a good student and make everyone proud, but right now I'm not doing that. The exhaustion and frustration nearly brings me to tears, and at the present time I feel that I'm not cut out for this college thing at all. I'm tired, in terrible pain, and unusually depressed. I don't want be this way.

But I count my blessings daily. I know I'm lucky to be in college at all. My God, this is my third or fourth attempt for crying out loud. And I'm here, in school, learning the elements of design like I always wanted. Sometimes I stand in that room and look around, and all I can do is shake my head, hold back the tears, and say thank you. It is surreal. I'm finally here. And when it's time to go, I'm gonna miss this place.

There are days when I love being at school and being around everyone. There are days when I want to adopt half the people in the art department because they just flat out make my heart smile. Being involved in the club gives me a reason to get out of bed, and I pray that I can somehow make a positive impact. I don't take a minute for granted, because I know that someday soon, I'm gonna miss this place.

There are days when I get aggravated, upset, and stressed out. There are days when I can't stand the thought of getting out of bed to go. There are days when I feel like I don't belong and I'm not worthy of anyone's time. I get so frustrated with myself and sometimes others. But in the midst of all of these feelings, I remind myself of where I've been and where I am now, and I know how much I'm gonna miss this place.

I may crawl away with lousy grades, but I'm gonna keep trying. God bless my teachers for bearing with me. I love them for it. So I will continue to hang in there as best as I know how. I'm here and I'm thankful. I care too much and I've worked too hard to give up now.

And on top of that...I'm really, really gonna miss this place.

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