I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'm gonna miss this place

I have to say that 2010 has been a little difficult so far, and I'm really struggling in school this semester. The full time schedule and the classes have been hard to deal with. I'm making lower than expected grades in two of my academic classes, and it is very disheartening. I'm also still not well most mornings, so I'm barely making it through Design without being sick. It is hard to pretend that I'm not miserable. I want so much to be a good student and make everyone proud, but right now I'm not doing that. The exhaustion and frustration nearly brings me to tears, and at the present time I feel that I'm not cut out for this college thing at all. I'm tired, in terrible pain, and unusually depressed. I don't want be this way.

But I count my blessings daily. I know I'm lucky to be in college at all. My God, this is my third or fourth attempt for crying out loud. And I'm here, in school, learning the elements of design like I always wanted. Sometimes I stand in that room and look around, and all I can do is shake my head, hold back the tears, and say thank you. It is surreal. I'm finally here. And when it's time to go, I'm gonna miss this place.

There are days when I love being at school and being around everyone. There are days when I want to adopt half the people in the art department because they just flat out make my heart smile. Being involved in the club gives me a reason to get out of bed, and I pray that I can somehow make a positive impact. I don't take a minute for granted, because I know that someday soon, I'm gonna miss this place.

There are days when I get aggravated, upset, and stressed out. There are days when I can't stand the thought of getting out of bed to go. There are days when I feel like I don't belong and I'm not worthy of anyone's time. I get so frustrated with myself and sometimes others. But in the midst of all of these feelings, I remind myself of where I've been and where I am now, and I know how much I'm gonna miss this place.

I may crawl away with lousy grades, but I'm gonna keep trying. God bless my teachers for bearing with me. I love them for it. So I will continue to hang in there as best as I know how. I'm here and I'm thankful. I care too much and I've worked too hard to give up now.

And on top of that...I'm really, really gonna miss this place.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

To Write Love On Her Arms

Helping those suffering from depression, self-affliction, and suicidal tendencies. Join the movement at http://www.twloha.com.

(P.S. - Henna tattoo, left arm)

Thursday, February 4, 2010

School and Teaching Update

I have a lot of blogging to catch up on, but I also have a lot of schoolwork to do, and that takes priority. While I have a minute, however, I figured I would ramble about this semester and my teaching gigs:

Surgery went very well on January 4th, but I returned to school this semester in horrid shape with the Periodic Paralysis...the worst I have been in years. I could barely lift my arms and legs at times and I was constantly nauseated and disoriented. I realize now that I should have gone to the ER, but hindsight is 20/20. My condition continued to decline and I had to withdraw from my Drawing class - broke my freaking heart. Also pissed me off. A lot.

Thankfully, I have had a tremendous breakthrough in my condition, and while I have a long way to go in getting it under control again, I'm half way there.

So I returned to school, and I'm trying my best to catch up. I have 13 hours (after dropping Drawing)...English Comp II, Computer Apps, Physical Science I, and Design II.

English II is nothing but writing. Writing writing writing. Somebody told me last semester that it was mostly reading and discussing literature. WRONG. It's writing, with a side order of writing, and writing for dessert. Writing. Can you feel the excitement? I'm a writer, yes, but not of topics that I care nothing about, and not on a deadline. But I am this semester. So suck it up, Kelli, and start writing.

Computer Applications is a necessary evil. I took $1200 worth of Microsoft Office classes a few years ago, only to have Office 2007 come out a month later and it be DIFFERENT from what I had just taken. Thank you, freaking Microsoft. So now I'm learning Office 2007 Professional. Evil. But necessary.

Physical Science is taught by none other than the man who taught Chemistry at my high school when I was there 16 years ago! What are the odds of that? He is a HOOT...funniest teacher ever! I absolutely LOVE him! The course is freaking me out somewhat...has a lot of math and I can't do higher math. I aced the first quiz ONLY because a friend tutored me prior to the test. I would have most definitely failed otherwise! WHEW...

Design II is of course my LOVE. It is extremely frustrating right now (partly due to being behind and partly due to being more sick and miserable than usual), but I am trying my best to hang in there and not drive my teacher batty.

TEACHING! Yes, I'm going to be teaching again starting this Saturday. Thank the Lord that I'm gonna be able to do it. It is my only income (and a low one at that), so canceling classes really hurt me. I look forward to returning to Hobby Lobby in Mobile and Biloxi...I love my students!!! They are the best...truly...I am so blessed!

This is Seascape Month in Mobile. I will be teaching the wave in our first class and then we will do it again in a more detailed seascape in the second class. I have a full class in Mobile and had to stop advertising...that's a good problem! I'm working hard to keep it going.

If my health continues to improve, I will be well enough to make the trip to Florida for my Bob Ross Florals certification. This will open up new doors and double my class load (and income) if I can pull it off. Praying that I can make this dream a reality this summer!

I guess that's all for now. I need and appreciate your continued prayers, friends. Talk to you soon.