Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The roller coaster continues...

This has been a heck of a week.

As I said, surgery went very well. So, so thankful for that! Everyone involved (surgeon, med students, anesthesiologist) said that it went so much better than they anticipated, and they were very pleased. Hypertension and tachycardia, but other than that, it was textbook perfect right down to the 24 hours of "labor pains" that they said I would have afterwards. I handled the pain and didn't even take the pain pills that were prescribed to me. Until around the fifth day, that is, when I was in no less pain than the day after surgery. It finally got to me.

It got to me BAD.

Day four, I became very agitated and frustrated. Day five, I had a complete and total meltdown. A meltdown of epic proportions. I can't remember the last time I cried so much and so hard for so long. At least eight hours straight, and off and on for half a day after that. I couldn't get out of bed and function, and I couldn't sleep. All I could do was bawl my freaking head off. It was scary, to be honest. I was in a state of despair so deep that I literally ached from the emotional pain just as much as the physical pain. That is a bad place to be, and I pray that it doesn't happen again.

I don't have a decent explanation for it. I'm guessing it's my body trying to adjust to a toasted uterus (sorry guys), and the lack of hormones. I have been on hormone therapy for approximately 15 years, so the sudden halt is probably making my body say "WTH???" I have also been dealing with some feelings that were very magnified in this moment, and it all became too much to bear. I felt like I was dying.

Thankfully, I've appeared to snap out of it for the most part. Still agitated and overemotional at times, but certainly doing better than I was the other day. This is not the norm for me and I really, really hope that it will pass. I don't like emo Kelli at all. I want to be collected, boring, easy-going Kelli again.

Despite the pain I'm in (surprisingly my strained neck is giving me more grief than the surgery site), I started school today. My teacher announced in class that I was back and asked how I was. "Cranky", was my response. He said that everyone will be sure to stay away from me. Ha! Love my peeps...I've missed them! I'm so grateful to be there and I'm not taking it for granted. Felt awful the whole time, though. Curled up with my pillow at one point and zoned out during a lecture (sorry Mr. Poole). So many of my conditions are rearing their ugly heads right now (will elaborate on those soon)'s really tearing me down. I'm weak and in pain to the point of nausea and tears. It's hard just to sit up in a chair sometimes. I can't imagine making it through these classes for another four months, but I'm trying so hard. I have to find the strength to do this somehow.

I just want to feel better. I'd do anything to feel better.

All I can do is breathe, pray, and take one day at a time.


Too Many Hats said...

You went to school? Wow, you are super woman. I know you don't feel like that, but really you are. I am so sorry you are feeling miserable and I hope you feel much much better soon.

Sue said...

I'm sorry it's been so long since I stopped by. I promise to come by more often this year.

Sorry to hear that you surgery and were having such a tough time with recovery. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sending best wishes and warm hugs,