I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Saturday, December 19, 2009

School's out...I survived...what's next?

Well, I made it through my first full semester of college at MGCCC. It wasn't easy...in fact it was very hard. God, it was so hard. But I did my best, and with the patience and understanding of my merciful teachers, I finished with all A's and a 3.87 GPA.

Music Appreciation and Art For Elementary School had a few issues, but thankfully they were worked out by the end of the term. Sometimes, I thought Drawing and Design were going to kill me. Physically speaking, I had a terrible time and I can't help but think about how much better I could have been in those classes if I hadn't been so sick and miserable. Maybe no better at all, but I wonder. It has been a very emotional experience for me, and I knew it would be. Learning to draw (and paint) has been on my bucket list for years...a childhood dream. I've been saying since Kindergarten that I wanted to be an artist, but I never thought in a million years that it would happen because I've always been so, so bad at it. Since becoming a Bob Ross instructor, then joining Art With Heart, I have felt crippled in a sense because I couldn't draw and didn't even have the knowledge to know how to learn. I'm still a newborn where this is concerned, but I am amazed by how much I've learned already. It brings me to tears...I can't help it. This experience has been very difficult for me health-wise but I don't regret it. It has meant a great deal to me. More than I can say.

I feel very disheartened, however, because I don't believe for a second that I'll be able to do this again. I am supposed to have the same schedule next semester, but right now that seems impossible. I was already sick every single day in class, in some way or another, and by the end of the semester I was having to lie down in my car at times because I was so weak and exhausted. It was (and is) a constant fight to sit up and act like nothing's wrong, and it's getting harder as time goes on. I've gone into "crash" mode again, and this time, I can't seem to find a way out. I can't stand the thought of being sick at school every day for four more months, and then four more months after that, and after that, and so on. But I also can't stand the thought of dropping my studio classes when that is the primary reason I'm there.

Anyway, I don't want to drop the classes. It would tear my heart out. Right now I've registered for the spring semester with 16 hours (yikes)...10 of those being online, the other 6 being Drawing and Design 2. Seems impossible, but I guess I'm gonna give it a shot. One of my classmates blessed me so much on the last day of school. He gave me a hug and said that he was praying for me, and that he hoped to see me in class next semester. He said he could see that I was very tired, but to not give up because it would be worth it in the end. He has no idea how much I needed to hear that. I cried all the way home, and most of the day as well. Amazing how kind words can give us enough strength to keep going.

Enough of my rambling. My point is that I'm grateful. Even though I'm struggling horribly and I don't know what my college future holds, I don't take a minute for granted. This rivals my time in Florida almost two years ago, and is definitely on my list of experiences that I will hold dear for the rest of my life. I'm just scared that I won't be able to continue, that's all. I have so many emotions right now, it's overwhelming. Blah. I'm such a sap. :)

So now, a short hiatus. Christmas is here (already...crazy), 2010 is around the corner, surgery the first week of January, then the insanity begins again. Full time college and part time teaching.