I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The blog entry where I talk about my stupid uterus...fair warning, fellas.

The continuous hormone therapy that I was put on in July in an attempt to bring my pathetic, psychotic uterus under control has not only failed MISERABLY, it has created new problems that are making me even MORE MISERABLE on a daily basis. The culprit? Estrogen. My body simply does not tolerate it AT ALL. Throwing up, doubled over in pain, heart rate and blood pressure out of control, and hypersensitive to everything to the point of crying at the drop of a hat...it is utterly ridiculous. There are few drugs on this planet that I detest more than synthetic estrogen. Useless garbage.

I went to USA Women's yesterday for another consultation with Dr. L. She said there's nothing more that can be done, and gave me two options: destroy it or remove it. I've been scheduled for an ultrasound next Wednesday, and a uterine biopsy on Oct 21st to rule out cancer. After those results come back, I will know whether or not I'm eligible for an ablation (burning the inside of the uterus, rendering it non-functional). If they find tumors or other issues that would hinder the ablation, a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) would be in order.

I have a feeling that I'll be eligible for the ablation, but I'm concerned that it's not going to work. It is not guaranteed and I know several people who did not have success with it. I could very well have the ablation, then start hemorrhaging a month later and have to go right back for a hysterectomy. That would really suck. But being very high risk in surgery, I have to consider the fastest and safest method of dealing with this. I also have to think about time and convenience. The ablation is a week recovery, the hysterectomy a month. I would also have to find someone reliable to care for me while I recover from the hysterectomy. Not the easiest task.

The logical thing would be to have the complete hysterectomy and get it over with. Problem solved. But I am high risk in surgery, I don't have the time or the money, and I would be out of commission for a long time. The reasonable thing would be to have the ablation, although risky as well, it's safer and the recovery time is much shorter than most surgeries. But, there's a chance that it won't work. So if given a choice, I'm torn as to what to do.

I'm making it a matter of prayer, but ultimately I am going to have to decide for myself unless the docs don't like the test results and make the decision for me. I don't know...I just want it to be over. My uterus has been nothing but a curse to me for nearly 20 years. I just want this misery to end.

The Periodic Paralysis, kidney stones, pulling and tearing muscles and cartilage, TMJ, migraines, hypertension, chronic pain and weakness...I think that's quite enough to deal with. My insane uterus (and the crappy hormone therapy) only contributes to my complications. It is absolutely senseless. I swear I will throw a "Good riddance stupid uterus" celebration when it's all said and done. It is still a hard decision to have to make, however. I've known for a while that I would never have children, and I've come to terms with that, but it's still a pretty traumatic thing to go through regardless.

This is not what I wanted my life to be, but it is what it is and all I can do is take one day at a time and keep moving forward, believing that God is in control.

But I also look forward to the day when this earthly life is done, and I don't have to suffer anymore.

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