Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Conflicted

When people ask how I'm doing, I'm torn. Lie and say "Fine, thanks!" or tell the truth and be labeled as negative. It's a hard decision for me. I am all about being real...I think people can see that. But I don't want people thinking that I'm all gloom and doom either, because I'm not. Yes I'm sick and miserable, but I'm also blessed and I never forget that.

I am having a very, very hard time right now. It takes every ounce of strength I have to climb out of bed and function. Sometimes I cry all the way to school. Sometimes I cry all the way home. I'm weak and exhausted and in horrible pain every single day, and it is getting harder and harder to make it through the day. I never escape the symptoms and they're getting worse. It is down right disheartening. I feel defeated.

I'm so grateful to have wonderful friends, understanding students, and patient teachers. I couldn't possibly ask for more. I'm not at my best right now, and it tears my heart out to think that I would let any of these people down. I'd give anything to feel better.

When I'm not at school or teaching, I'm on bedrest elevating my legs. Tomorrow I have an ultrasound at the hospital, then I have to go teach a class. I've almost had to cancel my Bob Ross workshops, but I am trying my best to hang in there. It is so difficult right now. I've let my students know that I'm going downhill and will have to take a break for surgery and recovery. I hope to continue and even increase my workshops next year, but it's going to take a miracle in my body to make that happen. I barely make it through the few that I teach now.

Praying for answers. Mercy. Healing. Anything I can get to keep going. I tell God every day that I can't do this...at least not without Him. I'm standing on Isaiah 40:31 and praying that I can be an example of perseverance, hope, and God's divine strength. I'm not feeling it right now, but that doesn't mean it's not there. When you can't see God, hear God, or feel God, that's when you just have to trust.

I'm trying. Hard.

2 comments:

Too Many Hats said...

I certainly think you should be honest with those you are close to. Aquaintances can get the, "I'm hanging in there." line, which is true, but just not detailed. I really hope the procedure you choose will be super helpful to your overall health.

Kathryn said...

I've no doubt you're trying hard. It is difficult to keep going, sometimes. I'm praying for you.

I have a hard time when folks keep saying, "Are you better?" or "Are you better yet?" Long term issue, folks. "Better" is measured in millimeters. Sigh. I tend to be very honest, too, & don't know how to respond 'cause these folks care about me. I wish most of them had not learned about my struggles. (My issues are different than yours & not as extreme.)

Hugs to you! You do so much more than do i & i'm so impressed with you.