I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be,
but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.
— Douglas Pagels

Friday, March 20, 2009


In too much pain to sleep, but too weak to get much accomplished. I did manage to make queso dip and just took some lentil soup off the stove. Also doing a small load of laundry...time for summer clothes. I believe spring is officially here, and if you're familiar at all with spring on the gulf coast, you know it only lasts a few weeks before it becomes the sweltering six months of summer...April 15 to October 15. 80-100 degree (F) temps with 80-100 percent humidity. It's pretty much like clockwork.

I came to the realization the other day that I live life with a sense of urgency. These days, I get out of bed and rush to tackle as much as humanly possible because I know that my body is going to crash and I'm going to end up back in bed. When I'm functioning better than usual, I do as much as I can because history proves that it is only temporary. A mere window of living, in a lifetime of existence. I don't know how to get out of this "mode", because it's all that I know.

I'm feeling very troubled. Depressed. And more tired than words can describe.

I don't want to only exist. I want to live. And as much as I try to accept, and even redefine my life based on my circumstances and abilities, it just doesn't make sense.

I don't know how to make my life make sense.